Thomas Wolfe: Of Time and the River, You Can't Go Home Again & Look Homeward, Angel. Thomas Wolfe

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СКАЧАТЬ said Eugene, “I’m all right now.”

      “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” said Jim Trivett chidingly.

      “It came on all of a sudden,” said Eugene. He added presently: “I think it was something I ate at that damn Greek’s to-night.”

      “I felt all right,” said Jim Trivett. “A cup of coffee will fix you up,” he added with cheerful conviction.

      They mounted the hill slowly. The light from winking cornerlamps fell with a livid stare across the fronts of the squalid houses.

      “Jim,” said Eugene, after a moment’s pause.

      “Yes. What is it?”

      “Don’t say anything about my getting sick,” he said awkwardly.

      Surprised, Jim Trivett stared at him.

      “Why not? There’s nothing in that,” he said. “Pshaw, boy, any one’s likely to get sick.”

      “Yes, I know. But I’d rather you wouldn’t.”

      “Oh, all right. I won’t. Why should I?” said Jim Trivett.

      Eugene was haunted by his own lost ghost: he knew it to be irrecoverable. For three days he avoided every one: the brand of his sin, he felt, was on him. He was published by every gesture, by every word. His manner grew more defiant, his greeting to life more unfriendly. He clung more closely to Jim Trivett, drawing a sad pleasure from his coarse loyal praise. His unappeased desire began to burn anew: it conquered his bodily disgust and made new pictures. At the end of the week he went again, alone, to Exeter, No more of him, he felt, could be lost. This time he sought out Thelma.

      When he went home for Christmas, his loins were black with vermin. The great body of the State lay like a barren giant below the leaden reek of the skies. The train roared on across the vast lift of the Piedmont: at night, as he lay in his berth, in a diseased coma, it crawled up into the great fortress of the hills. Dimly, he saw their wintry bulk, with its bleak foresting. Below a trestle, silent as a dream, a white rope of water coiled between its frozen banks. His sick heart lifted in the haunting eternity of the hills. He was hillborn. But at dawn, as he came from the cars with the band of returning students, his depression revived. The huddle of cheap buildings at the station seemed meaner and meaner than ever before. The hills, above the station flats, with their cheap propped houses, had the unnatural closeness of a vision. The silent Square seemed to have rushed together during his absence, and as he left the car and descended the street to Dixieland, it was as if he devoured toy-town distances with a giant’s stride.

      The Christmas was gray and chill. Helen was not there to give it warmth. Gant and Eliza felt the depression of her absence. Ben came and went like a ghost. Luke was not coming home. And he himself was sick with shame and loss.

      He did not know where to turn. He paced his chill room at night, muttering, until Eliza’s troubled face appeared above her wrapper. His father was gentler, older than he had ever seen him; his pain had returned on him. He was absent and sorrowful. He talked perfunctorily with his son about college. Speech choked in Eugene’s throat. He stammered a few answers and fled from the house and the vacant fear in Gant’s eyes. He walked prodigiously, day and night, in an effort to command his own fear. He believed himself to be rotting with a leprosy. And there was nothing to do but rot. There was no cure. For such had been the instruction of the moralists of his youth.

      He walked with aimless desperation, unable to quiet for a moment his restless limbs. He went up on the eastern hills that rose behind Niggertown. A winter’s sun labored through the mist. Low on the meadows, and high on the hills, the sunlight lay on the earth like milk.

      He stood looking. A shaft of hope cut through the blackness of his spirit. I will go to my brother, he thought.

      He found Ben still in bed at Woodson Street, smoking. He closed the door, then spun wildly about as if caged.

      “In God’s name!” Ben cried angrily. “Have you gone crazy? What’s wrong with you?”

      “I’m — I’m sick!” he gasped.

      “What’s the matter? Where’ve you been?” asked Ben sharply. He sat up in bed.

      “I’ve been with a woman,” said Eugene.

      “Sit down, ‘Gene,” said Ben quietly, after a moment. “Don’t be a little idiot. You’re not going to die, you know. When did this happen?”

      The boy blurted out his confession.

      Ben got up and put on his clothes.

      “Come on,” said he, “we’ll go to see McGuire.”

      As they walked townward, he tried to talk, explaining himself in babbling incoherent spurts.

      “It was like this,” he began, “if I had known, but at that time I didn’t — of course I know it was my own fault for —”

      “Oh, for God’s sake!” said Ben impatiently. “Dry up! I don’t want to hear about it. I’m not your damned Guardian Angel.”

      The news was comforting. So many people, after our fall from grace, are.

      They mounted to the wide dark corridor of the Doctors’ and Surgeons’, with its sharp excitement of medical smells. McGuire’s anteroom was empty. Ben rapped at the inner door. McGuire opened it: he pulled away the wet cigarette that was plastered on his heavy lip, to greet them.

      “Hello, Ben. Hello, son!” he barked, seeing Eugene. “When’d you get back?”

      “He thinks he’s dying of galloping consumption, McGuire,” said Ben, with a jerk of the head. “You may be able to do something to prolong his life.”

      “What’s the matter, son?” said McGuire.

      Eugene gulped dryly, craning his livid face.

      “If you don’t mind,” he croaked. “See you alone.” He turned desperately upon his brother. “You stay here. Don’t want you with me.”

      “I don’t want to go with you,” said Ben surlily. “I’ve got troubles enough of my own.”

      Eugene followed McGuire’s burly figure into the office; McGuire closed the door, and sat down heavily at his littered desk.

      “Sit down, son,” he commanded, “and tell me about it.” He lit a cigarette and stuck it deftly on his sag wet lip. He glanced keenly at the boy, noting his contorted face.

      “Take your time, son,” he said kindly, “and control yourself. Whatever it is, it’s probably not as bad as you think.”

      “It was this way,” Eugene began in a low voice. “I’ve made a mistake. I know that. I’m willing to take my medicine. I’m not making any excuses for what has happened,” his voice rose sharply; he got half-way out of his chair, and began to pound fiercely upon the untidy desk. “I’m putting the blame on no one. Do you understand that?”

      McGuire turned a bloated bewildered face slowly upon his patient. His wet cigarette sagged comically from his half-opened mouth.

      “Do СКАЧАТЬ