The Devil's Dictionary. Амброз Бирс

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      Barlow S. Vode

      DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

      Thou shalt no God but me adore:

       'Twere too expensive to have more.

       No images nor idols make

       For Robert Ingersoll to break.

       Take not God's name in vain; select

       A time when it will have effect.

       Work not on Sabbath days at all,

       But go to see the teams play ball.

       Honor thy parents. That creates

       For life insurance lower rates.

       Kill not, abet not those who kill;

       Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

       Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless

       Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

       Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete

       Successfully in business. Cheat.

       Bear not false witness—that is low—

       But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

       Covet thou naught that thou hast not

       By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

      G.J.

      DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

      A leaf was riven from a tree,

       "I mean to fall to earth," said he.

       The west wind, rising, made him veer.

       "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

       The east wind rose with greater force.

       Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

       With equal power they contend.

       He said: "My judgment I suspend."

       Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,

       Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."

       "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;

       Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

       Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,

       You'll have no hand in it at all.

      G.J.

      DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

      DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

      DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

      DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

      DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

      DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

      DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

      DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

      DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.

      DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

      All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee

       The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;

       For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,

       Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

      Mumfrey Mappel

      DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

      DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

      DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

      "Chief Deputy," the Master cried,

       "To-day the books are to be tried

       By experts and accountants who

       Have been commissioned to go through

       Our office here, to see if we

       Have stolen injudiciously.

       Please have the proper entries made,

       The proper balances displayed,

       Conforming to the whole amount

       Of cash on hand—which they will count.

       I've long admired your punctual way—

       Here at the break and close of day,

       Confronting in your chair the crowd

       Of business men, whose voices loud

       And gestures violent you quell

       By some mysterious, calm spell—

       Some magic lurking in your look

       That brings the noisiest to book

       And spreads a holy and profound

       Tranquillity o'er all around.

       So orderly all's done that they

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