I Found You. Jane Lark

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СКАЧАТЬ which led from the street up to the opening on to the footpath across Manhattan Bridge, and thought of Rachel standing there last night. Where the hell had she come from? Why had she wanted to jump?

      “Jason? You’ve changed, you know that.” It was half statement, half accusation. But she was right, I had. Leaving her behind was giving me the chance to find out who I was––not who Lindy and Jason were. Since school I’d done nearly everything because she wished me too. I’d picked my college because it was where she wanted us to go. I bought clothes because she liked them. We ate what she wanted. We did the stuff she wanted. Now I couldn’t even remember what I did or didn’t like.

      You pick, Rachel had said in the pizza place, before going off to the restroom. Like it didn’t even matter if I picked what she hated.

      “Possibly, it’s different living here.”

      “But you don’t have to live there.”

      “No, but I want to.” I wasn’t even sure I did want to anymore though.

      “And what are you going to do about this girl?”

      I sighed. “I’m going to let her get back on her feet and then she’ll find somewhere to live, and I’ll know she won’t be tempted to jump off a bridge again. She was standing out here, in twenty-one degrees Fahrenheit last night, Lind, in a t-shirt, and she didn’t even notice the cold.”

      “Just be careful, Jason, I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

      Ah, Lindy did still care, then, in some way. “I’ll take care. You don’t need to worry about me.”

      “Well I do. I worry a lot. I wish you were home.”

      I rested my hand on the cold stone and looked along the bridge and then down to the black shifting water. I didn’t know what to say to that, I didn’t wish I was home. But I wasn’t sure what I did wish right now. “I love you.” The words slipped from my mouth, out of habit, yet there was no feeling of love in my chest anymore. I wasn’t even sure there ever had been.

      “I love you too. I can’t wait to see you.” She could wait. She didn’t even want to come here for Christmas. We’d had a long argument about that too. She’d wanted me to go back there. I’d refused.

      “I’ll call you tomorrow evening, alright?”

      “Yeah.”

      “Say, hi, to Dad in the morning.”

      “Yeah.”

      “Night.”

      “Night.”

      ~

      “Everything fine in paradise?” Rachel mocked when I walked in, her hesitant smiles of earlier now transformed into a wide teasing grin, after a couple of hours shopping. I smiled.

      Considering she’d attempted to throw herself off a bridge just over twenty-four hours before, she was fun to be with, I found her easy company. She didn’t seem to think highly of herself. She didn’t seem to care what I thought of her either. She just was. Take her or leave her. I couldn’t imagine anyone disliking her though. Yet why then, would she have ended up alone on Manhattan Bridge?

      The microwave pinged, and I realized she’d put my coffee in there to warm it back up.

      She handed it to me. “You look like you wanna talk?” I met her green gaze. “She wants you to throw me out, right?”

      “No, she doesn’t want me here at all.” I sipped the coffee, then sighed. “You don’t need my burdens.”

      Her fingers lay over mine as they gripped the cup. Her good hand, not her bandaged hand. They were cold, and the sensation stirred male instincts I’d always found it relatively easy to keep at bay with anyone else.

      It was only because we were alone in my apartment and I’d been away from Lindy for a few weeks.

      Her hand fell, as though she’d sensed my discomfort, then she turned away. “Some people say talking about problems makes you feel better.” She started running water to wash up the few odd cups and things on the side.

      “Ha, ha, very funny.” She was quoting back what I’d said to her. But if I spoke, it might encourage her to speak too. I leaned my elbows on the counter, and sipped my coffee.

      She flashed me a smile over her shoulder.

      I lifted my eyebrows and smiled too. “Okay, I’ll talk…” So while she washed the few bits of crockery and stuff, wiped it up, and put it away, I leaned on the counter and poured out my troubles.

      I told her how Dad was disappointed I didn’t want to take over his business one day. He was annoyed I hadn’t stayed at home and become store manager in his stead. I told her about Lindy too, about how she always wanted me to be doing this or that, and I’d tried to be what she wanted, but being what she wanted didn’t seem like me.

      “…She wants a box-shaped house in a cul-de-sac, with two point four kids.”

      “And you want?”

      God, no one ever asked me that, everyone in my life had always told me what I wanted. “Now there’s the tricky thing, I don’t know anymore. I always thought I wanted to be here, doing what I’m doing, yet I feel lame. I just don’t feel right. I’m working for an asshole. I hate being at the magazine. All I am is a lackey. I’m learning nothing I wanted to. And I’ve only made one sort-of friend, Justin. But I can’t go back home and be a failure.”

      “You wouldn’t be a failure, you’d be a trier. And you’ve made two friends. There’s me, too.”

      “There’s not much reward in trying though is there? It’s success and achievement that makes you feel good.”

      “You don’t feel good?”

      Her green gaze met mine, questions and concern there.

      “I don’t feel great, but I’m not so down I’d jump off a bridge. I’ll work it out. What about you?”

      Her lips twisted to a smirk. “Clever, but you won’t get my story out of me that easy. I don’t want to talk…”

      I laughed. She did too. Which was crazy seeing as just over twenty-four hours ago, she had wanted to jump off a bridge, and the thing that had led her up there was what she wasn’t talking about. I had a feeling one day she’d tell me what took her to Manhattan Bridge. But it wasn’t going to be today, she wasn’t ready yet.

      She put the last cup in a cupboard. “I’m going to go to bed. If that’s okay?”

      “Yeah.” I straightened up.

      “Are we sharing the bed again tonight?” she asked.

      Fuck, something lurched low in my stomach, but I swallowed back the jolt of awareness, and hid it with a smile. “Yeah. If you’re okay with it?”

      “It’s okay with me, if it’s okay with you?”

      “It’s СКАЧАТЬ