It's Got To Be Perfect: A laugh out loud comedy about finding your perfect match. Haley Hill

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СКАЧАТЬ sucked on a pink straw protruding from a fussy cocktail and eyed me up suspiciously.

      ‘Are you a journalist?’ she asked between sucks.

      ‘No.’ I laughed. ‘What makes you think that?’

      ‘You look like one.’

      I glanced down at my black dress and then back at her. Once I’d worked my way up the seemingly endless legs protruding from tiny leather hot pants, my eyes lingered on her chest, braless and buoyant under a cream silk camisole.

      She glared at me. ‘What do you want?’

      Her features, enhanced to cartoonish proportions, reminded me of a creature from Avatar.

      ‘I’m headhunting,’ I said.

      The rest of the girls’ necks swivelled towards me. ‘You’re a model scout?’ one of them asked.

      I shook my head.

      ‘Party promoter?’

      I shook my head again, suspecting the truth might be a tremendous disappointment. ‘I’m looking for single girls who want to meet eligible men.’

      When I’d explained my plans to unite lonely hearts across the globe, the girl next to me flicked a mane of hair extensions over her shoulder.

      ‘We only date footballers,’ she said.

      I stepped back. I’d read about girls like her in gossip magazines. There might have been one on Dr Phil too. I was intrigued.

      ‘Why?’ I asked.

      She stared at me in disbelief, as though I’d just told her I’d never watched Big Brother.

      ‘Der, because they earn £150k per week and I’m on £7.99 an hour.’

      She went on to proudly list the benefits of her past encounters with Premier League players, which included but was by no means exclusive to: designer clothing, cosmetic surgery, jewellery allowance, provision of luxury accommodation, sports car, private-clinic abortions and a six-figure pay-off at the end. It sounded more like a job than a relationship. I’d also noted that out of the men she’d named, most were married.

      ‘Why do you date the married ones?’ I asked, less to highlight the moral issue, which I suspected wasn’t a concern, but more to question the real purpose.

      She laughed. ‘It’s not like we expect them to leave their wives.’

      ‘Well what’s the point, then?’

      ‘Once you’re in with the footballers, sometimes they pass you on to their teammates, the ones who aren’t married.’

      ‘They’re like matchmakers too,’ the only blonde in the group chipped in with a beaming smile.

      ‘Or pimps?’ I suggested.

      ‘Hey!’ Kat interrupted as she bounded up to me, and began theatrically fanning herself with a handful of business cards. ‘Check these out.’

      She thrust them in my hand and then opened her bag to reveal dozens more.

      ‘Am I done now?’ she asked, glancing over her shoulder. I followed her gaze and saw the underage barman grinning widely, as though his expression had been fixed since Kat’s kiss. ‘His shift finishes soon. Can I?’

      ‘Okay. Go on then,’ I said, checking my watch. ‘I suppose I could do with an early night.’

      The blonde girl looked at me, then back at the other girls and then back at me. ‘Want to come with us?’ she asked and the rest of the group nodded vaguely.

      Once we were in the taxi, the girl in the hot pants, who I now knew was named Carmen, explained more about the party.

      ‘You only get invited if you’re in with the promoters,’ she said, checking her make-up in a compact mirror.

      ‘And they only invite girls from agencies,’ another girl added.

      ‘What agencies?’ I asked.

      ‘You know, for glamour models, promo girls, dancers,’ Carmen said.

      The blonde girl, who I would later learn was Kerri, smiled. ‘They want pretty bubbly girls there.’

      ‘Bubbly?’ I asked.

      ‘You know: fun, social.’

      I rolled my eyes. ‘I don’t suppose they invite the wives or girlfriends?’

      They laughed.

      ‘So,’ I said, ‘if you win the hand of a Premier League prince, would you let him come to these parties?’

      Suddenly their faces contorted as though I’d suggested one of them don a boiler suit.

      When we arrived, I noticed there were no men in the queue, which snaked for a mile around the block, but the girls were huddled together in the line, shivering in the skimpy clothing that was required to gain entry. Boobs were hoisted up, squeezed together or spilling out. Skirts were sprayed on, tops were slashed at the sternum, and legs were elongated with six-inch heels. Every attribute was exploited to secure its maximum market value. Tonight, it was time to cash in their assets.

      The men, it was explained to me, were safety tucked up inside, readily paying £500 for a £10 bottle of vodka. I was soon to learn that the mark-up could be justified when the beverage was delivered with a sparkler and a gaggle of nubile girls.

      Despite the sleek modern interior, each step down the staircase was like taking a step back in time. Men sat wide-legged at tables, downing drinks, and pulling girls onto their laps as though patrons of a medieval whorehouse. Girls wiggled past the VIP area, until the chosen ones were summoned to straddle their prince’s lap.

      With rock-hard nipples poking through her camisole, Carmen was immediately ushered into the VIP area. She blamed the forty-minute queue in ice-cold air, but her friends claimed she’d deliberately tweaked them before catching a footballer’s eye.

      ‘It’s not fair,’ one of them whined. ‘My tits are better than hers.’

      ‘And she copied my hair colour,’ another one, who I think was called Chastity, said. She went on to explain that the player in question was a reserve they were all targeting. After reading a recent interview, in which he stated he preferred brunettes, she had dyed her hair. The others, except Kerri, had copied. ‘Lucky cow,’ she added as she watched him pull Carmen onto his lap.

      I waved my hand in front of her face. ‘Earth to twenty-first-century woman.’

      She looked at me and frowned. ‘What?’

      ‘Don’t you want more than that?’

      She looked back at Carmen and the footballer and then laughed. ‘More than a rich husband and the perfect life, what more is there?’

      ‘Oh, let me think.’ I scratched my head. ‘How about СКАЧАТЬ