It's Got To Be Perfect: A laugh out loud comedy about finding your perfect match. Haley Hill

Чтение книги онлайн.

       Chapter 6

      HE SLAMMED HIS business card on the table ‘This is me. Google me. Now can we talk about what I’m looking for?’

      ‘Er, hang on,’ I interrupted, picking up his card. ‘Richard Stud. Consultant gynaecologist.’

      I looked up to see him shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

      ‘Is that really your name?’ I asked, assuming he was having me on.

      He let out an irritated sigh. ‘Yes. It is. It’s not like my parents gave me any choice in the matter.’

      ‘Okay. Sorry. It’s just—’

      ‘I know. A gynaecologist called Dick Stud. I’ve heard it all before. There’s also dermatologist called Mr Cream, so you can use that one for your dinner party anecdotes too if you like.’

      ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. Honestly, I thought it was a joke. Anyway, I’ve had to live with the name Eleanor Rigby, so I know where you’re coming from.’

      ‘What’s wrong with that?’

      ‘It’s a Beatles’ song.’

      He shrugged his shoulders.

      ‘About a desperately lonely woman who died a spinster? Anyway, moving on from my issues, let’s talk about yours. Apart from bottom groping in wine bars, what do you like to do in your spare time?’

      Two days prior, I’d received a call from a man with a familiar Irish accent. The man explained that he had been headhunted in a bar a few weeks back and wanted to book an appointment to see me. It was only when he arrived that I’d recognised him as the bottom-groper from the queue at Apt. I suppose I could have argued the accuracy of his use of the term ‘headhunted’, or his suitability as a client in general, but something stopped me. When I’d first met him, his jet-black hair and white teeth made him look like one of those cheesy Just for Men adverts. But this time—albeit through the haze of a cherry-plucker hangover—with his bright blue eyes and floppy hair, he reminded me, a bit, of Rob Lowe.

      Behind him, the lounge bar gleamed as though it had been the subject of an extreme makeover. In the twenty-four hours since the party, the carpet had been shampooed, the sofas scrubbed and the surfaces polished. Fresh flowers replaced the old, new candles replaced withered stumps and the shadows seemed to have crept back into the crevices. Aside from a few resistant stains, all traces of the night had been erased.

      During the prerequisite discussion about his family and career background, I sensed we were both losing interest.

      ‘Okay,’ I said, improvising a drum roll on the table. ‘Now you get to tell me what you’re looking for.’

      He smiled. ‘You’re going to love this.’

      ‘Go on,’ I said, before taking a sip of coffee.

      ‘I have absolutely no idea. That’s my answer. I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m looking for. I just want someone nice.’

      I smiled. ‘That’s great. Open-minded is the best way to be when dating,’ I said, though not entirely convincing myself. ‘So you don’t have a type at all?’

      He shuffled in his seat again. ‘I used to have a type, but not any more. I love all girls: tall, short, slim, curvy, blondes, brunettes, white, black. I suppose the main issue would be settling with just one.’ He laughed.

      I frowned.

      ‘That was a joke,’ he said. ‘I’d be more than happy with one. The right one.’

      ‘Okay, so how do we find the right one?’

      His eyebrows met in a semi-frown. ‘I don’t have any trouble attracting girls, or finding girls I’m attracted to. But—’ he leant back in his seat and looked up to the ceiling ‘—I go off them.’

      ‘You go off them?’

      He nodded.

      ‘Can you explain?’

      He scratched his nose. ‘It’s quite difficult to explain when I don’t really understand it myself.’

      ‘Try.’

      ‘Okay, well, when I meet a girl I like, I fall in love easily,’ he explained, still scratching his nose. ‘It’s a bit like a favourite T-shirt. I’ll wear it all the time and then one day I’ll look at it and hate it. And then throw it out.’

      ‘Because you’ve found a new favourite T-shirt?’

      ‘Not necessarily. Sometimes. Other times, I’ll just wear other T-shirts until I find a new favourite one.’

      Steve appeared at our table. ‘You can never have enough T-shirts,’ he said, nodding at Dr Stud, who then laughed. ‘Any more drinks?’

      ‘Thanks for the insightful input, Steve, another coffee for me. Still haven’t quite metabolised those cocktails.’

      ‘You’re better off with water: rehydrate and flush out that acetaldehyde,’ Dr Stud suggested, before turning towards Steve. ‘I’ll have a beer, please, mate. And I like your T-shirt.’

      He nodded at Brigitte who was squeezed into a tiny red dress and pouting next to the bar. I turned around. I hadn’t noticed her until now, yet Dr Stud, who’d had his back to the bar, had somehow managed to assess her attractiveness and ascertain that she was something to do with Steve.

      ‘The male sixth sense,’ I said after I’d shared my thoughts with him. ‘The ability to determine cup size and sexual availability without turning your head.’

      He laughed. ‘And the female equivalent? The ability to calculate total net worth with a casual glance.’

      I smirked. ‘So do you think what you earn is important to women?’

      He laughed, but this time it sounded forced and irritated. ‘Of course. You wouldn’t believe the number of women I’ve pulled just by telling them I’m a doctor.’

      ‘But that’s not because of how much you earn.’

      ‘No?’

      ‘No, СКАЧАТЬ