The O’Hara Affair. Kate Thompson

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СКАЧАТЬ short and bow-legged. I’m playing the wicked landlord who practises droit du seigneur and gets to tup all the local totty.’

      ‘Nice work.’

      ‘I can’t complain. How’s your line of business, Dervla?’

      ‘I’ve given up auctioneering. Or rather, it gave me up. And I’m writing a book.’

      ‘You’re writing a book!’ said Daphne. ‘What nonsense.’

      Shane raised an eyebrow at Dervla, and she shrugged. ‘What can I tell you?’ she said. ‘Life’s a little rough around the edges these days. And I am writing a book, actually. On how to sell your house.’

      ‘Hey! Congratulations.’

      Dervla gave a rueful smile. ‘Unlikely to be a bestseller, but it’s keeping me busy.’

      ‘Congratulations!’ said Daphne. ‘And celebrations. We’re celebrating something, aren’t we? What, exactly, are we celebrating?’

      ‘We’re celebrating your birthday,’ Dervla told her.

      ‘I’ll let you get on with it,’ said Shane. ‘Good to see you, Dervla.’

      ‘Likewise.’

      Dervla resumed her seat, and watched Shane move back to his table, where a handsome, rather saturnine man was studying the wine list. She hoped it would impress – Christian had taken such care compiling it. Picking up a menu, she felt her stomach somersault when she saw the prices. She hadn’t been exaggerating when she’d told Shane that life was a little rough around the edges. The proposed expansion of Christian’s wine importing business had coincided with the recession: people weren’t buying much fine wine these days. He’d taken to stocking more downmarket stuff to supply those customers who’d taken to drinking at home instead of the pub, where a couple of glasses of wine could cost nearly as much as a full bottle from the off-licence. Sales of accessories like electric corkscrews and wine coolers and silver champagne stoppers had plummeted, and sommelier kits remained on the shelf, gathering dust. Christian’s efforts to get night classes in wine appreciation up and running in the community centre had met with a dismally poor response.

      Luckily, there was income from the renting out of Dervla’s apartment in Galway, and from the cottage – Christian’s sister had insisted that if Daphne was to live with the newlyweds, it was only fair that they receive rent in return from the income that Daphne’s investments brought in. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it kept things ticking over – just.

      Dervla remembered how things had been at the height of the property boom, when she could have afforded to eat out every night if she’d felt like it. She remembered how she’d fantasized about sitting with Christian on the bench by the door of the Old Rectory, sipping chilled Sancerre and sharing with him her dreams of planting fruit trees and keeping chickens and maybe – if they were lucky – having babies. She’d pictured herself drifting around the garden in a wifty-wafty frock, carrying a trug full of vegetables she had grown herself, vegetables that she would whizz up into a delicious purée, to be served later with roast rack of lamb at the dining table around which a dozen friends would have congregated, all laughing and swapping gossip and repartee. The women would be dressed in Cath Kidston florals, the men in Armani casuals. Kitty the Dalmatian would sport a fringed suede collar, and there’d be Mozart on the sound system.

      How ironic, she thought, that now she’d made the definite decision to grow her own fruit and veg, it wasn’t for trendy ecological reasons: it was because it was cheaper. Ironic that – now she was actually installed in her dream house – she couldn’t afford to furnish it. Ironic that the only Cath Kidston florals within her current budgetary remit would come second-hand from eBay. But it was terribly, terribly sad that, instead of Mozart, the accompanying soundtrack to her life was Des O’Connor.

      ‘What does that funny-looking person think he’s doing?’ Daphne was glowering at the maître d’.

      ‘He’s showing Christian to our table,’ Dervla told her. ‘Now. What’ll we have to eat?’

      ‘What is there?’

      ‘I’ll read the menu to you. Potted crab—’

      ‘Potted what?’

      Oh, God. Dervla resisted the temptation to sling the menu on the table and leg it out of the restaurant. Instead, she smiled at Christian as he joined them.

      ‘Hi, darling,’ she said.

      He gave her a brief kiss on the cheek before dropping into his chair. ‘Is that Shane Byrne I see over there?’ he asked. ‘That’s him. I felt very chuffed to be seen hobnobbing with him: he came over to say hello.’

      ‘This place must be good if it’s frequented by film stars. He’s a bit older in real life than he looks on the screen, isn’t he?’

      ‘Stop gawking at him. He says he can’t go anywhere these days without someone sticking a phone in his face.’

      ‘What an idea!’ said Daphne. ‘Why should anyone want to stick a phone in his face?’

      ‘Shane’s famous,’ explained Dervla. ‘He’s a movie actor.’

      ‘That doesn’t explain why anyone should want to stick a phone in his face.’

      ‘Phones can take photographs now, Mum,’ said Christian.

      ‘What a lot of nonsense you talk,’ said Daphne.

      Christian sighed, then opened the menu. ‘Hmm. Potted crab sounds good.’

      Daphne regarded him with interest. ‘Potted what?’ she said.

      The excruciating lunch dragged on over ninety long minutes. Daphne kept making remarks about the other diners in quite stentorian tones, and every time she did, Dervla died a little death. And she had constantly to remind her mother-in-law that the drink in the tumbler to her right was elderflower pressé, and the food on the plate in front of her was fish pie, and Daphne insisted that she’d ordered meatballs like Christian, not fish pie, and her nose dripped constantly and she chewed on her cuticles, and Dervla found herself chewing on her cuticles – something she hadn’t done since her stressed-out estate agent days.

      At one stage, Christian made his excuses: he wanted to combine business with pleasure by having a chat with the owner about some alterations to the wine list. So he upped and left Daphne and Dervla together. After a couple of polite enquiries – would Daphne like some more water? Would she care for a cup of coffee? – Dervla gave up making desultory conversation, and people-watched instead. A woman’s threeseasons-ago Vuitton bag was showing signs of wear and tear, and her roots were an inch long. A man was studying the bill with a furrowed brow, clearly hoping there was some mistake. A young couple had opted for two starters rather than main courses. At least Dervla wasn’t the only person in Coolnamara who was feeling the pinch.

      Things were different at Shane’s table, on the other side of the room. There, lobster thermidor and an excellent bottle of Meursault had been served (Christian had recognized the label). Holy moly! It was far from lobster and swanky vintage wine that Shane Byrne had been reared! But, Dervla noticed now, he wasn’t the one footing the bill. His lunch companion was dealing with it, while Shane signed autographs for a couple of awestruck teenage girls. As Shane chatted to his fan club, СКАЧАТЬ