Not My Idea of Heaven. Lindsey Rosa

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      I dedicate this book to my gorgeous children, Nina and Stanley; to Tom whose love has made my life worth living; to my brother who has never wavered in his support of me.

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

       Preface

      Chapter 1 - How Ever Did it Come to This?

      Chapter 2 - Welcome to My World

      Chapter 3 - One Size Fits All

      Chapter 4 - The Carpenter, the Dreamer, the Romantic and Me

      Chapter 5 - Motherly Love

      Chapter 6 - The Ministry

      Chapter 7 - School of Thought

      Chapter 8 - Trouble with the Neighbours

      Chapter 9 - Bound by the Rules

      Chapter 10 - After Being Shut Up

      Chapter 11 - The Move

      Chapter 12 - Secondary Education

      Chapter 13 - Coming of Age

      Chapter 14 - Feeling the Strain

      Chapter 15 - Reading Matters

      Chapter 16 - Tailor Me, Dummy

      Chapter 17 - Seafood

      Chapter 18 - Camping in Gurnsey

      Chapter 19 - Changing Appetites

      Chapter 20 - Original Thin

      Chapter 21 - Jekyll And Hyde

      Chapter 22 - I Can’t Do It On My Own

      Chapter 23 - So Near And Yet So Far

      Chapter 24 - A Clinical Decision

      Chapter 25 - Leaving Mum

      Chapter 26 - Naming My Change

      Chapter 27 - The Truce

      Chapter 28 - Another New Life

      Chapter 29 - Day Tripping

      Chapter 30 - Becoming Worldly

      Chapter 31 - Pleased to Meet Me

      Chapter 32 - Big Girl in a Short Skirt

      Chapter 33 - Living in Sin

      Chapter 34 - The Baby Belly

      Chapter 35 - Don’t I Want You, Baby?

      Chapter 36 - Unfinished Business

      Chapter 37 - And Then It Was Gone

      Chapter 38 - Playing by the Rules

      Chapter 39 - My Brother and Tom

      Chapter 40 - Testing Times

      Chapter 41 - Sister and Brother

      Chapter 42 - Off the Peg

      Chapter 43 - Don’t Turn Your Back on Me

      Chapter 44 - Full Circle

       Afterword

       Acknowledgements

      Copyright

      About the Publisher

       Preface

      The world, as we understand it, exists in our minds. The problem is, we all think differently. To some people, the world I grew up in is perfectly normal. To them, it is right, and the way the rest of the people in the world live is wrong.

      How you see it depends on which side of the fence you are standing.

      I was born on the wrong side of the fence. This book is about my journey from one side to the other, and how I had to leave my family behind.

      Although this is a true account of my life, I have changed the names of those involved to respect their privacy as much as possible.

      Chapter One

       How Ever Did it Come to This?

      My weight halved in a matter of months. The winter dragged by while I crouched against the radiator. I pressed my back into its heat until my skin burned. I sipped continuously from a mug of black coffee, willing the inky liquid to warm my bony body. Mum knelt in front of me, pleading, ‘Please eat.’ At last, desperate, she pushed crumbs of food into my mouth. I sealed my lips and turned my head away. Then the hunger came. I ate until I could eat no more. My belly, full of food, stretched and swelled, and I became consumed by rage. I used my fists to thump my face and jaw bone. So I sat on my hands while Mum fed me.

      I became the prisoner of my mind. I listened carefully to its wild rants and became obedient to its command of weight loss. I purged my body of the pollutant, picking at my teeth to remove every last trace of food. But I wanted to be well, to be normal. How ever did it come to this?

      Chapter Two

       Welcome to My World

      I sat in the Welfare office on the hard plastic chair behind the door. The windowless room was hot and I felt my sweaty legs sticking to the seat. The Asian boys messed around in the corner, scuffling with each other. I kept my head down and pretended to read my book. I didn’t want anyone talking to me. It was embarrassing having to be there.

      Through the open door I could hear the sound of my friends singing hymns in assembly. They were Christian hymns but I didn’t recognize any of the tunes or the words. I just wanted to be with the other children, but neither their prayers nor their songs were approved by God. In my head I sang the words to a hymn that I knew would be.

      Jesus bids us shine, With a pure, clear light, Like a little candle, Burning in the night In this world of darkness,

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