Bigger than Hitler – Better than Christ. Rik Mayall

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       SHOWBUSINESS GOLD ^*

      Literally anything can happen twenty four hours a day in showbusiness. That’s just what it’s like. There are secrets to be told and lives can be ruined. It’s all true, every syllable of it. But what I do NOT do is drop litter on the showbusiness super-highway. I’m a careful driver I am and I always use litter bins although they can be difficult to find when you’re doing 127mph in the outside lane. But if you’re really cool, you should always drive with the lights off at night—that way, you’re just part of the darkness. There are autograph hunters everywhere. I’m often thinking to myself, is that a road pile up ahead? Or is it another autograph roadblock? Not that I’ve got anything against autographs. I live for them. Fans are always hurling themselves into the road—metaphorically speaking obviously—to stop me driving past without giving them an autograph.

      Anyway, what was I talking about? That’s it—acting. Rules for good edge cutting acting: first off, try not to allow any other acters on stage when you are on it. They will deflect attention away from you. If they do manage to get on, make sure that you stand in front of them. But before any of that, before you even get on stage or even turn up for rehearsals, make sure you’ve got the biggest part (see fourth sentence of last paragraph). Sometimes it’s worth taking money to the auditions. And if you are a love interest in the play then make sure that you beef up your love equipment. Two tennis balls is good but three tennis balls and a cucumber should really hit the nail on the head. But worth remembering that you should try to make sure that your part does not involve running around because the tennis balls will fall out. If you think this might happen then make sure that you superglue them to your genitals. It might hurt a bit, but it’s worth it, you really don’t want tennis balls falling out of your Elizabethan trousers during a Hamlet monolog. It will take away the audience’s focus (that’s a theatrical expression for people in the audience saying, “Oh for fuck’s sake, this is shit!” too loudly) from your face.

      So, you’re on stage now with the biggest part and lots of tackle enhancers (that’s another theatrical expression) down your pants. Now is your time and it’s vital to remember that when you are acting you must shout and point at yourself and stand at the front of the stage. Shouting at the audience is called projecting, like they do in cinemas. This is what they teach you at acting school although I didn’t go to acting school myself. I don’t believe in acting schools. Acting schools are shit. You’ve either got it in your blood or you haven’t. You can always tell someone who’s been to acting school because they can’t act. And they’re on the television all the time and get all the parts in all those shit television dramas like that police thing with all those balding overweight arseheads. Bob or somebody.

      It is very important that you make sure to learn all the words in the right order before you shout them at the audience. It often helps to have a young woman to help you with your words. This is known in the industry as your word bird. Now, you know that hole at the front of the stage in between the stage and the audience That is what is known as the orchestra pit and that’s where you will need to put your word bird who can tell you what the words are if you forget them. She must be able to read as well and speak and she must have the book or the script (which is a technical term) with all the words written in it. And for God’s sake don’t have any mouth action with your word bird before you go on stage because if all her teeth are stuck together it’s a “no no” for tricky speeches (which means no good).

      When you are at the zenith of your career like I have been for the last thirty years (even though I am only thirty-seven^*) you, erm, something or other. Got it? New paragraph.

      Hey, we’re moving on this one. We’re moving down the page. Hang on a minute.

      That’s better. I needed that.

      Right, here we go, you know this bit anyway but I’m going to have to put it in here all the same because you never know what kind of stupid twat is reading your book, do you? Right, so the audience are the people who sit in the theatre. But they don’t sit on the stage. That’s where the acters stand, or sit and that’s where they stand or sit^† and shout at the audience. The audience are in the dark with their sweets, rustling things and coughing occasionally. They’re arseholes, don’t forget, but they’re also your friends. You love them. Sometimes you can tell them the number of your room at the Travelodge (always get a double smoker^‡) and they can visit you later. It also helps if you tell the audience that you are having trouble with your marriage and you might be available for some tragic lonely adultery but without anybody finding out, of course.

      Waiting for Godot is a play by that great playrighter Samuel Beckett. We did it at school (and I did it a few years later in the West End with Adrian Edmondson who was much better than me in it and is much more talented than me in everything he ever does). There is a lot of waiting around in it and I found out that if I sat at the front of the stage, the audience would look at me rather than Pozzo (he’s a bloke in the play). I found out that if I coughed a lot during his speech, I could deflect attention away from him onto me. I even put some grease on the stage one night and he slipped on it. Unfortunately, he didn’t hurt himself badly and it didn’t work out very well at all really because everyone in the audience looked at Pozzo falling off the stage and not at me. But I was learning my trade.

      I was like a kind of impresario at school. I managed to get loads of games of sports cancelled in the new school gym so that СКАЧАТЬ