The Complete A–Z of Everything Carry On. Richard Webber

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       (WITHERING disappears again and LEWIS turns to BOGGS.)

      LEWIS: Now remember, Dad, be tough with them. We can’t afford to lose this contract.

      BOGGS: Yes, yes, I know, Lewis.

       (The door opens again and WITHERING ushers in ALLCOCK and VIC.)

      VIC: Mr Boggs – this is our union general secretary, Mr All-cock.

      BOGGS: How do you do, Mr Allcock. My son Lewis and Mr Plummer, our works foreman.

      ALLCOCK: Pleased to meet you, gents. And sorry if I’m a bit late, but I had another stoppage this morning.

      BOGGS: I’m sorry to hear that. You want to try Epsom salts. Marvellous stuff.

       (ALLCOCK gives him a strange look.)

      ALLCOCK: Work stoppage, I mean.

      BOGGS: Oh, I beg your pardon.

      ALLCOCK: Yes. Well, shall we get straight down to it then?

      LEWIS: Good idea. We’ve already lost four days’ production over this.

      ALLCOCK: Now, don’t let’s get off on the wrong foot, young feller. I’ve got a lot on my plate and I had to interrupt what little holiday I get to come ’ere today.

       (As they sit …)

      LEWIS: I’m sorry.

      ALLCOCK: Not that I’m all that worried. Majorca’s a bit boring after the first three weeks or so.

       (Confidentially to BOGGS.)

      ALLCOCK: I got a deal going on for some building development there, you know.

      BOGGS: How nice.

      ALLCOCK: Yes. Do you fancy a piece?

      BOGGS: (Shocked) I beg your pardon?

      ALLCOCK: A plot of land!

      BOGGS: Oh. No, I don’t think so, thank you. If we could just get down to business.

      ALLCOCK: Yes, all right.

       (He takes the open file from VIC and puts it in front of him.)

      ALLCOCK: Well, I’ve had the basic facts from Spanner ’ere, and you know what your main trouble is, don’t you?

      SID: Yeah. It’s the same old one about who does what job.

      ALLCOCK: Ah yes, but the real basic trouble ’ere is – it’s an unofficial strike.

      LEWIS: What does that mean, then?

      ALLCOCK: It means my ’ands are tied. I can’t do a damn thing. Because it hasn’t got union approval, see?

      BOGGS: Well, I’m delighted to hear that, Mr Allcock.

      ALLCOCK: So your first step towards getting a settlement is to make it official!

      BOGGS: Yes, but … how exactly can we make it an official strike if it hasn’t got union approval?

      ALLCOCK: (Chuckles indulgently.) No, no, if you’ll forgive me for saying so, Mr Boggs, you’ve got it arse about face.

       (BOGGS reacts coldly to this bit of crudity.)

      BOGGS: If you’d care to translate that, Mr Allcock, I don’t understand these technical expressions.

      ALLCOCK: What I mean is, the strike hasn’t got our approval simply because it is unofficial.

      Make it official and we’ll damn soon approve it, don’t you worry!

      LEWIS: All right then, just tell us how we go about making it official?

      ALLCOCK: Very simple. We submit all the facts of the dispute to the Union Judiciary Committee. They’ll study them and pass on their recommendations to the Industrial Relations Committee. (Pause.) In due course of course.

      LEWIS: How do you mean, in due course?

      ALLCOCK: Well, the Union Judiciary Committee are over at a conference in Rio – and you know what that means, eh?

       (He chuckles dirtily, nudges old BOGGS, and makes an expressive zig-zag gesture with his hand.)

      BOGGS: Quite. Then how soon could we expect action to make it official?

      ALLCOCK: Just as soon as the Industrial Relations Committee can study the recommendations and pass their findings on to the Direct Action Committee.

      SID: Blimey, you seem to have more committees than the society for unmarried mothers!

      ALLCOCK: Well, the Executive have got to have something to do, haven’t they?

      LEWIS: (Getting angry.) All right, then what happens after all that, Mr Allcock?

      ALLCOCK: I can tell you that all right. It’ll all be chucked right in my lap and I’ll have to hop on another plane back from Majorca, dammit.

      BOGGS: Well, pending settlement, Mr Allcock, couldn’t you, as general secretary, recommend a full return to work?

      ALLCOCK: Me? Listen, mate, if I was ever to make any clear-cut decision I’d be out on my ruddy arse!

      SID: In other words, we can’t win.

      BOGGS: Well, there wouldn’t be much point having unions if you could, would there?

       (And he laughs jovially.)

      BOGGS: This is madness, madness!

      BOGGS: (Packing up.) You don’t ’ave to worry, Mr Boggs. Let matters take the normal procedure and I can promise you a quick settlement. With the usual bit of give and take from both sides, of course.

      BOGGS: Yes … we give and you take!

      ALLCOCK: (Getting up.) Ha ha, that’s very good, I like that. We give and you take. I’m glad you can see the funny side of all this, Mr Boggs. Well, I must be getting along now. Goodbye all, and I must say this meeting has been most useful. Most useful.

      BOGGS: Goodbye, Mr Allcock.

       (As ALLCOCK and VIC go out.)

      SID: Well, all I can say is, whoever named him knew what he was doing!

      CARRY ON AGAIN DOCTOR

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