Mr Landen Has No Brain. Stephen Walker

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СКАЧАТЬ man far too pleased with himself for Drizzle’s liking. Drizzle decided he must be Flaccid, though there was no sign of Placid. Flaccid said, ‘As you can see, we’ve covered the entire site with foam rubber. I’m sure you’ll agree this is the safest park, not only in Wyndham but the whole world.’

      ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ He thrust his Gladstone bag into the chest of Flaccid, who took hold of it while Drizzle stepped forward to inspect the nearest caravan. It was indeed completely covered in foam rubber; green foam rubber. A nice safe colour.

      As Drizzle tugged the foam to check it was properly glued, Flaccid said, ‘Take as long as you like. We’ve nothing to fear from close inspection.’

      And it seemed he was right.

      But then …

      … a thought struck Drizzle.

      He stepped back and took in the entire view; a whole caravan park covered in foam – not just caravans but offices, trees, the ground.

      ‘You fool,’ Drizzle demanded. ‘Don’t you realize what you’ve done?’

      Flaccid shrugged blankly.

      Drizzle said, ‘You’ve turned this entire camp into one big sponge. If an asteroid were to hit this site, immediately after heavy rainfall, the impact could squeeze out a tidal wave so huge it would deluge the entire North Yorkshire coast, drowning us all.’

      Flaccid frowned. ‘Isn’t that highly unlikely?’

      Drizzle slapped a sticker on Flaccid’s forehead.

      It said FAILED.

      ‘No, Gary. No one could be having a worse time than I am. I’ve been locked out of my mobile home, my assistant’s out of control, I’ve a giant rabbit sitting on him, my host’s a psycho. How could you be having a worse time than me?’ Teena paced Sally’s kitchen, arguing with her cell phone.

      The phone said bzz.

      ‘Baboons?’ Teena said. ‘How can you have been kidnapped by baboons? There are no baboons in Blackpool.’

      The phone said bzz.

      ‘Tanzania? How the hell did you get from the Pleasure Beach to Tanzania?’

      Bzz.

      ‘What giant squid?’ she said.

      Bzz.

      ‘Captain Nemo?’ she said.

      Bzz.

      ‘Jules Verne?’ she said.

      Bzz.

      She stood still and frowned. ‘Gary, are you making this up?’

      Bzz.

      ‘All your holidays are like this?’ she said.

      Bzz.

      ‘Then why do you keep taking them?’

      Bzz.

      ‘Gary, there is such a thing as taking optimism too far.’

      Bzz.

      ‘Right! That’s it! If this is what holidays are like, you can keep them! I won’t be taking another!’ She prodded the phone’s Off button like it was the eye of her worst enemy then held the phone like she was about to throw it at the wall. She thought better of it and placed it on the table. She stood fuming until she noticed Sally leaning against the doorpost, watching her. ‘You heard that?’ Teena asked.

      ‘Every word.’ As far as Sally’d been able to work out, Gary was Teena’s lodger. He was also her bridesmaid. She’d wanted him as her best man but the vicar wouldn’t stand for it. He’d said it might cause confusion if both bride and groom had a best man. She’d said that was easily solved. She’d have a best man and her fiance wouldn’t. But the vicar had insisted – even after a prolonged bout of finger proddings and Do-You-Know-Who-I-Ams. He’d said it would be the same at any cathedral. It was a standard part of the wedding ceremony.

      So now Gary Yates was her bridesmaid. She’d said it would do him good since he was totally besotted with her. Seeing her marry another man would give him a sense of closure and finally convince him there was never going to be anything between her and him. He might blub now but he’d thank her for it later.

      ‘I take it you’ll be staying in a hotel for the rest of your holiday, what with your host being a psycho!’ Sally said.

      ‘And not be able to keep an eye on those two? No chance. I’m staying right here.’

      Daisy doggie-paddled upside down between the two girls.

      Teena glared at it as though ready to punch it. ‘And what’s that doing in here?’

      ‘Because she’s been such a good girl, helping me foam rubber the camp, I’m letting her live indoors from now on.’

      ‘And do I get a say in this?’

      ‘None. You don’t live here, remember?’

      Teena fumed some more. She opened her mouth to say something then thought better of it. She opened her mouth again then thought better of it. She glanced around as though seeking inspiration. Then at last she said, ‘His reputation’s built entirely on me, you know.’

      Sally frowned. ‘Your bridesmaid has a reputation?’

      ‘Not Gary – Landen.’

      She frowned deeper. ‘Mr Landen has a reputation?’

      ‘Because he was my first college lecturer, the scientific press said he’d discovered me – like I was some lost tribe. I wasn’t lost. I knew precisely where I was – Oxford. And I’d discovered myself long before he came along. He thinks he’s so clever. Well … well …’ Her clenched knuckles turned white by her sides.

      ‘Well what?’

      She just stood there, anger stopping her conceiving the revenge she thought he deserved. Then she spotted something, something on the worktop by the sink. She headed for it, ravenous strides devouring the ground between her and it.

      At the worktop she unplugged the TV aerial, opened the window, shoved the TV out then shut and fastened the window. She clattered aside unwanted items, the electric tin opener, the whisk, the coffee blender. Each hit the floor with a clank until at last she lifted the one object she wanted. A yank at its cable tugged its plug free of the wall socket.

      ‘Could you treat my property with a little more respect please?’

      ‘Never mind that.’ She eagerly studied the object’s black plastic. ‘Let’s see how clever he is when this gets through with him.’

      ‘Teena?’

      ‘What?’ Her gaze was fixed to the thing like Cthulha’s had been fixed to her.’

      ‘That СКАЧАТЬ