Memoirs of a Fruitcake. Chris Evans

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ a year. He had investigated alternative ways of printing and the sharing of distribution facilities to help cut costs, and he and I had even had a clandestine lunch with Piers Morgan who, in principle, had agreed to be our editor.

      Our thinking was something along the lines of radio stations being very similar to newspapers in so many ways. Why couldn’t our millions of new listeners become millions of new readers, and vice versa?

      As momentum around Project Star gathered pace, the frisson of our second big deal was well and truly in the air – especially when we discovered we could snap up this ailing daily for the knock-down price of just £25 million, a snip at the time for a UK national newspaper title.

      Alas, though, it was not to be.

      The board rejected our request for permission to buy the Daily Star hands down. We had the deal in the bag, but they were insistent we didn’t need it. Their exact phrase was ‘Why do we need to bet the ranch anymore?’

      The board left us in no doubt that they were more than happy with things as they stood. My management team, on the other hand, could not have been less satisfied with the situation. In fact they were about to throw their toys, along with their immense talent, right out of our company pram.

      As soon as they were informed of the board’s decision, all three of them – the chief executive officer, the financial officer and the managing director – walked straight out of the building.

      I couldn’t believe it.

      Here was I, a radio DJ, former newsagent, kiss-o-gram and forklift-truck driver, now alone at the head of a £200 million company with close to two hundred employees and hundreds of thousands of pounds flowing in and out of our accounts on a daily basis.

      I needed my boys back and I needed them back bloody quickly. I summoned the board to an emergency meeting scheduled for the second I came off the air the next day.

      ‘The management feel they can no longer work with you and have left,’ I offered up as a starter.

      ‘They have what?’ said one of the board.

      ‘They’ve gone, they’re no longer here, I am on my own and I am just a DJ, I have no idea what really goes on here and we need to get them back.’

      ‘Oh dear,’ said another member of the board.

      ‘Precisely,’ I concurred.

      ‘Well, this is not good, not good at all,’ said a third.

      ‘I agree wholeheartedly,’ I whimpered. By now they could see I was distressed.

      ‘What exactly is their issue?’ said the guy who had spoken first.

      ‘Growing the company is what they do, they identified a perfectly valid opportunity and you have refused point blank to support them.’

      The board were sympathetic to their case but immovable when it came to taking any risk. I have to say they had a perfectly sound argument and one with which I was finding it very difficult to disagree. However, I still had a problem.

      ‘That may be the case,’ I bleated, increasingly desperate, ‘but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, I am on my own on this side of the table and all our employees are about to arrive at work and wonder where the hell the three blokes who run this place have disappeared to.’

      ‘So what do you want us to do?’ said the first one.

      I hadn’t actually thought about the answer to this question. I just presumed the board would know what to do. I opened my mouth and hoped something half-sensible might come out.

      ‘You need to reassure them that it’s because of their efforts that we find ourselves in the position of having to do nothing.’ So far so good. ‘And then you need to tell them how good they are and … er … give them some more money.’

      I have no idea where this last bit came from.

      ‘You want us to give the management a bonus for walking out?’

      I wasn’t sure if I did or not but I wasn’t about to stop now.

      ‘Yes, more money, they’re businessmen after all, that’s what they’re about. We need to get them back in the door and re-incentivise them at the same time. A cheque each is the only way.’

      Now this, dear friends, is me being extremely bad at business but extremely good at selling. Let’s face it, this was a terrible idea. People often say what a great businessman I am but there is nothing further from the truth. I am many things, but I am not, never have been and never will be a great businessman.

      Although the management had an almost justifiable beef, there’s no way they should have deserted me in the first place, let alone been rewarded for doing so.

      Indeed, when I foolishly tried a similar stunt a couple of years down the line, the whole episode ended up costing me £13 million and I didn’t work for the next three years.

      But I must have been very convincing on the day because the board actually agreed to my suggestion, authorising me to dish out some new share options in the direction of my management team – if they deigned to return to work, that is.

      I skipped off to the restaurant where they were waiting, happy to be the bearer of good news and confident they would see sense.

      When I turned up they looked like three naughty schoolboys hoping to high heaven they weren’t going to get caned. If I’m totally honest, they looked like they thought they might be about to get fired. I suspect that they’d had time to reflect on their impetuousness and were perhaps beginning to think better of it. No need, though, for I only brought glad tidings of great joy.

      ‘You are all bonused up and back in business’, I declared to three visibly relieved and frankly somewhat surprised faces.

      I only wish someone had been able to say the same to me later when, as I’ve said, I tried a similar stunt, but there I go, jumping the gun again.

      Now, houses next and how to buy a really big one that you definitely can’t afford.

       TOP 10 MUST HAVES WHEN I BUILT MY DREAM HOUSE

      10 Helipad

      9 Trout lake

      8 Hot tub (wooden – outdoor)

      7 Village shop in the kitchen

      6 Library

      5 Waterfall in the library

      4 Identical replica of my local pub

      3 Steam room

      2 Cinema

      1 Space

      WITH THE ROCK-STAR LIFESTYLE COMES THE ROCK-STAR MANSION and СКАЧАТЬ