Perfect Match: a laugh-out-loud romantic comedy you won’t want to miss!. Zoe May

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СКАЧАТЬ getting. Predictable, satisfying, dependable crisps.

      Kate eyes me warily. ‘Just one more site.’

      I shake my head and crunch through another mouthful.

      ‘One more won’t hurt!’ she insists.

      Ignoring her, I open up the fridge and retrieve a block of cheddar. I’ll just grate some cheese over these crisps and then pop them in the microwave. It’ll be even tastier. I find the cheese grater and start grating the cheddar onto the chopping board. I can hear Kate shuffling about behind me, but I don’t turn around. I’m going to focus on grating my nice little mound of cheese instead. A sing-song tone chimes through the kitchen — the familiar sound of Kate’s laptop firing up. I grab a bowl, fill it with nachos and sprinkle the cheese over them, but as I turn to pop them in the microwave, I spot a dating site – Dream Dates – open on Kate’s computer. She looks at me guiltily as I snap the microwave door shut.

      ‘One more site and I’ll be off your case, I promise. I know you’ve tried them all and I know how crap they’ve been but I don’t think you should chuck the towel in just yet. Think of everyone we know who’s met their partner online. I reckon it’s just a matter of perseverance. Just give Dream Dates a try and if it doesn’t work out, then fine—’ Kate throws up her hands in mock surrender ‘—I’ll back off and you can stay home and eat all the nachos you want.’

      The microwave pings. I reach inside. The cheese bubbles enticingly. I lean against the kitchen counter and give the bowl a few seconds to cool down.

      ‘It looks really good,’ Kate notes, gazing at the homepage. ‘According to the slogan, “Your dream date is just a few clicks away.”’

      I scoff. ‘And the slogan of Match is, “If you don’t like your imperfections, someone else will.” And Guardian Soulmates promised I’d “Meet someone worth meeting” but look at me.’ I reach into the bowl, peel apart two gooey nachos and dangle one into my mouth.

      ‘It’ll take five minutes,’ Kate says pleadingly. ‘Okay, I’m entering your details. Female, twenty-eight, looking for man, between the ages of twenty and forty?’

      ‘Twenty to forty?’ I practically spit out a nacho. ‘I’m not dating a twenty-year-old! And I’m not dating a forty-year-old either for that matter. Twenty-five is the youngest I’ll go to and thirty-five tops.’

      ‘Okay, so twenty-five to thirty-five.’ Kate grins as she enters the age range.

      ‘I can’t believe you’re making me do this,’ I groan before munching another handful of crisps.

      ‘So, what do you want your username to be?’ Kate asks.

      ‘Something simple. Sophia and then my initials.’

      ‘Okay, so Sophialj.’ Kate types it in. ‘It’s available!’

      ‘Seriously?’ I raise an eyebrow. ‘It’s hardly ever available. How new is this site?’

      Kate shrugs. ‘Headline?’

      I sit back down and take a sip of wine. I can feel it flushing my cheeks, making me a little light-headed.

      ‘Would like to meet the perfect man,’ I blurt out.

      Kate scoffs. ‘Come on, Sophia. Be serious.’

      ‘I am being serious! That’s what I want, I want the perfect man,’ I insist. ‘I’m sick of dating noodle-obsessed weirdos and crazy ex-cons. I just want to meet someone decent for once, is that really too much to ask?’

      Kate thinks for a moment. ‘But that’s not the same as perfect,’ she says.

      ‘It would be perfect for me.’

      ‘But saying you want to meet the perfect man makes you sound really high-maintenance.’ She pointedly raises an eyebrow, her fingers poised over the keyboard.

      I shrug. ‘You asked what I want my headline to be.’

      ‘Fine! Well, let’s hope there’s a guy out there who’s put, “Would like to meet high-maintenance woman.”’ Kate types it in.

      ‘Do you know what?’ I declare, gesticulating with my wine glass. ‘Maybe it’s about time I start being a bit more high-maintenance. Raise the bar. No more loserish guys. Let’s go back to the age range.’

      ‘Why?’ Kate questions.

      ‘Because, do you know what? Twenty-five is too young. If the guy’s twenty-five then he’s probably got the mentality of a twenty-year-old. If he’s too young then he’s probably not done playing the field, he’s not going to want to settle down and it’ll just be a case of wham bam thank you ma’am.’

      Kate smiles as she reaches for her wine glass. ‘Well, an older guy then?’ she suggests.

      ‘Maybe, but thirty-five is too old,’ I tell her. ‘If he’s thirty-five, he’ll probably be some creepy bachelor that no one’s wanted to take off the shelf or divorced, which is way too much baggage.’

      ‘Okay… So what age do you want?’ Kate presses, a hint of impatience in her voice.

      ‘Twenty-eight? Actually no,’ I think aloud. ‘Men mature slower than us, don’t they? So at twenty-eight, he might still not have caught up. Maybe thirty or thirty-one? No, a hot guy would have been snapped up by thirty. Okay, twenty-nine. Yeah, twenty-nine. He’s spent his twenties focusing on his career, he’s got his own home and everything’s sorted and now he’s beginning to realise that something’s missing…’

      ‘You?’ Kate suggests.

      ‘Exactly. Me!’

      Kate laughs and clicks back to the age range. ‘Okay, so twenty-nine to… twenty-nine.’ She clicks enter. ‘Right, so your personal ad.’

      I sigh. I could just use my standard one and paste it in. I’ve tried so many dating sites that in the end, I just created a folder on my desktop with the inconspicuous title of ‘Admin’, which actually contains all my best photos, my personal ad spiel, a list of my interests, likes and dislikes and all that jazz. It takes so long writing a good profile that there’s no point redoing it every time.

      ‘One second, I’ll get it. It’s on my computer.’ I put my wine glass down and get up to fetch my laptop from my bedroom.

      ‘Sophia,’ Kate calls me back. ‘What are you doing?’

      ‘My personal ad… It’s on my laptop.’

      ‘You’ve already written it?’ She looks confused.

      ‘It’s in my dating file,’ I tell her. ‘It’s a copy and paste job.’

      Kate snorts with laughter. ‘Your dating file! Hah! What next? A spreadsheet for all the men you’ve ever dated?’

      ‘Shut up!’ I give her a little push.

      ‘Dating file! Hahahaha!’ Her eyes tear up as she falls about laughing.

      ‘Not СКАЧАТЬ