The Mandarins. Simone Beauvoir de

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СКАЧАТЬ the bigger things. What he admired in her above all was her complete disdain for worldly goods; she soared in some supernatural region, and he despaired of ever joining her there. He was amazed that she permitted herself to become flesh in his arms. ‘Naturally, it went to my head a little,’ he admitted to himself. And she, for her part, had believed in his declarations of eternal love and in the miracle of being herself. Therein no doubt was where he had been guilty – by first exalting Paula immoderately and then too lucidly taking her true measure. Yes, they had both made mistakes. But that wasn’t the question; the question now was to break it off. He turned over words in his mind. Did she have any suspicion of what was about to come? Generally, when he remained silent for any length of time, she was quick to question him.

      ‘Why are you moving things around?’ he asked.

      ‘Don’t you think the room looks nicer this way?’

      ‘Would you mind sitting down for just a minute?’

      ‘Why? Am I annoying you?’

      ‘No, not at all. But I’d like to have a talk with you.’

      She let out a choked little laugh. ‘How solemn you look! You aren’t going to tell me you don’t love me any more, are you?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Then anything else does not matter.’ She sat down, leaning towards him with a patient, slightly mocking expression. ‘Go ahead, darling, I’m listening.’

      ‘Loving or not loving each other isn’t the only thing in the world,’ he said.

      ‘To me, it’s all that matters.’

      ‘But not to me; I’m sure you know that. There are other things that count, too.’

      ‘Yes, I know – your work, travelling. I’ve never tried to dissuade you from them.’

      ‘There’s another thing that’s important to me, and I’ve told you this often – my freedom.’

      She smiled again. ‘Now don’t tell me I haven’t given you enough freedom!’

      ‘As much as living together permits, I suppose. But for me, freedom means first of all solitude. Do you remember when I first came here to stay? We agreed then that it would only be till the end of the war.’

      ‘I didn’t think I was a burden on you,’ she said, no longer smiling.

      ‘No one could be less of a burden than you. But I do think it was better when we lived apart.’

      Paula smiled. ‘You used to come here every night. You used to say you couldn’t sleep without me.’

      True, he had told her that, but only during the first year, not after. He didn’t, however, contest the point. ‘All right,’ he said, ‘but at least I used to work in my room at the hotel …’

      ‘That room was just one of your youthful whims,’ she replied in an indulgent voice. ‘No promiscuity, no living together – you must admit your code was rather abstract. I really can’t believe you still take it seriously.’

      ‘But it’s not at all abstract. When two people live together, you can’t avoid building up tensions on the one hand and becoming negligent on the other. I realize I’m often disagreeable and negligent, and I know it hurts you. It would be much better for us not to see each other except when we really felt like it.’

      ‘But I always feel like seeing you,’ she said reprovingly.

      ‘When I’m tired, or out of sorts, or when I’m working, I prefer being alone,’ Henri said coldly.

      Again Paula smiled. ‘You’re going to be alone for a whole month. When you get back, we’ll see whether or not you’ve changed your mind.’

      ‘No,’ he said firmly, ‘it won’t change.’

      Suddenly, Paula’s smile vanished and a look of fear appeared on her face. ‘Promise me one thing,’ she murmured.

      ‘What?’

      ‘That you’ll never live with another woman.’

      ‘What an idiotic notion! Don’t be a fool! Of course I promise.’

      ‘Then I suppose you can go back to your cherished old habits,’ she said with resignation.

      He studied her curiously. ‘Why did you make me promise that?’

      Again a look of panic appeared in Paula’s eyes. She was silent for a moment. ‘Oh, I know that no other woman could ever take my place in your life,’ she finally said. There was a false calmness in her voice. ‘But I cling to symbols, you know.’ She started to get up, as if she dreaded hearing any more. He stopped her.

      ‘Wait,’ he said. ‘I want to be completely frank with you. I’ll never live with another woman. Never. But I have an urge to do things, meet new people, have a few little affairs. I think it’s because of these four years of austerity we’ve just gone through.’

      ‘But you are having an affair now, aren’t you?’ Paula said calmly. ‘With Nadine.’

      ‘How do you know?’

      ‘You don’t lie very well.’

      At times she was so completely blind – and at times so clear-sighted! He was disconcerted. ‘I was an idiot not to talk to you about it,’ he said embarrassed. ‘I was afraid of hurting you. But there’s absolutely no reason for you to feel hurt; practically nothing has happened, and it won’t last long, in any case.’

      ‘Don’t let it upset you. I’m not one to be jealous of a child, especially Nadine!’ She walked over to Henri and sat down on the arm of his chair. ‘On Christmas Eve I told you a man like you isn’t subject to the same laws as other men. I still believe that. There’s a commonplace form of faithfulness that I’ll never demand of you. Have a good time with Nadine, and anyone else you like.’ She ruffled Henri’s hair. ‘You see how much I respect your freedom!’

      ‘Yes,’ he said. He was both relieved and disappointed; his too-easy victory led him nowhere. He felt he had to carry it at least to its conclusion. ‘As a matter of fact, Nadine doesn’t have a shadow of feeling for me. All she wants is for me to take her along. But it’s completely understood that we’ll stop seeing each other just as soon as we get back.’

      ‘Take her with you?’

      ‘Yes, she’s going to Portugal with me.’

      ‘No!’ Paula exclaimed. Suddenly her serene mask shattered into a thousand pieces and Henri saw before him a face of flesh and bones, with trembling lips and eyes glistening with tears. ‘You said you couldn’t take me!’

      ‘You didn’t seem anxious to go, so I didn’t try very hard.’

      ‘I wasn’t anxious! I’d have given an arm to go with you! Only I thought you wanted to be alone. I’m perfectly willing to sacrifice myself to your beloved solitude,’ she cried out in revolt, ‘but not to Nadine! No!’

      ‘It СКАЧАТЬ