The Little Prisoner: How a childhood was stolen and a trust betrayed. Jane Elliott

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      ‘Go and turn the hot water off,’ Richard would tell me as soon as I got back from turning it on. I would know to obey without saying anything.

      

      ‘Why didn’t you turn the water on when I asked you?’ Mum would want to know a little while later when she went up for her bath.

      

      ‘I did,’ I would protest. ‘He told me to turn it off again.’

      

      ‘You bloody little liar!’ he would explode and I would have no chance of convincing Mum that I was telling the truth once he started ranting and raving. If I’d argued any further I would have got a beating, so I just stayed quiet, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he thought of another game.

      

      When it came to the beatings Richard liked to vary the implements he used. Sometimes it was a slipper, or a hand or a bamboo stick. He would make me choose which it was to be. As I got older the beatings got less, perhaps because they had served their purpose in training me to obey him. Instead I would just be punched or smacked around the head or thrown across the room or made to pay a forfeit by doing a favour. Whatever happened, I would never be let off a punishment.

      

      ‘Do you want breakfast, Jane?’ Mum called through from the kitchen one morning to where I was sitting on the sofa in the front room.

      

      ‘Yes please,’ I called back.

      

      ‘No, you don’t,’ my stepfather hissed from the nearby armchair. ‘Tell her you don’t want any.’

      

      ‘No, I don’t want any really,’ I shouted.

      

      ‘Why not?’ Mum asked, appearing in the doorway.

      

      ‘She must be fucking mad,’ he yelled, jumping up from his chair. ‘She doesn’t know what she fucking wants. Do you want fucking breakfast or not?’

      

      ‘Yes, please,’ I said in a small confused voice.

      

      ‘What do you want?’ Mum asked, shaking her head in puzzlement.

      

      ‘Toast,’ I said and she went back to the kitchen to make it for me.

      

      The moment she was out of sight Richard’s fingers closed painfully round my face like a clamp and he was whispering again, his face inches from mine. ‘I told you, you don’t want any fucking breakfast. Now fucking tell her.’

      

      ‘I don’t want any toast, Mum,’ I obediently called out to the kitchen. ‘I don’t really want anything.’

      

      ‘Stop messing me about, Jane!’ she shouted.

      

      ‘Stop messing your mum about!’ Richard screamed, hitting me hard around the head. ‘She’s fucking mad,’ he called out to Mum. ‘She just likes stirring up fucking arguments!’

      

      He was always playing these mind games to make Mum angry with me and to give him an excuse to smack me around. I just ended up so confused.

      I know which memory is the first one I can find which has a sexual connection, but I think there may be even earlier ones lying in wait beneath the dust somewhere. This one must have happened a couple of years after I came back home because I remember I was sharing a bed with my brother Pete. My next brother, Dan, was also in with us in a separate bed. I’d been turned out of my room because it was having one of its routine redecorations and Pete and I were lying top to tail in his bed. The reason I think something must have happened before is because I remember I was awake and listening that night, terrified of what was about to happen. I’d heard my mother going out, the front door shutting after her, and I’d known that Richard would soon be upstairs to get me.

      

      Every sound told me a story. The living-room door opened downstairs and I could sense Richard’s stealthy footsteps on the stairs. I closed my eyes, trying to stop my body from shaking so that I could pretend to be asleep. I thought maybe I would be safe because Pete was lying beside me and Richard wouldn’t want to wake him up. I was always clutching at straws like that to give myself some hope, and I was always disappointed.

      

      I could tell the door was opening beside my head and I could feel Richard moving me about to wake me up. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

      

      ‘Come out here,’ he whispered, ‘quietly.’

      

      I climbed out of the warm bed, leaving Pete sleeping peacefully, and Richard closed the door behind me. I stood on the landing, waiting as he shut the other doors on the landing and knelt down in front of me.

      

      ‘We’re going to play a little game,’ he said. ‘Shut your eyes and don’t you dare open them.’

      

      I obeyed him without question and heard him unzipping his trousers.

      

      ‘Don’t open your eyes,’ he repeated. ‘We’re going to play the game now.’

      

      I nodded, not wanting to make him angry.

      

      ‘I want you to play with my thumb. You hold it, and stroke it and move it up and down, and something magic will happen.’

      

      I knew it wasn’t his thumb that he put into my hand, which also makes me think something must have happened before that, but I played along and pretended, just as he had told me. The more co-operative I was, I thought, the sooner I could get back to bed and the more likely I was to avoid a beating.

      

      ‘What is it you’re holding?’ he asked every so often as I worked away.

      

      ‘Your thumb,’ I replied obediently and then the magic happened and he told me to go to the bathroom to wash my hands. Some of his mess had spilled on the carpet and he rubbed at it with his foot, making the scratching noise that I would hear so many times over the coming years.

      

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