Blaikie’s Guide to Modern Manners. Thomas Blaikie

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ council, your MP, the bus company. Don’t listen to people who sneer at the British and their eternal queues. Queues are fair and just. They’re worth fighting for.

       In a crowd, few follow the example of the late Bubbles Rothermere who would beat the back of anyone in the way with her tiny fists. But many have a policy of massively increasing speed and biffing everybody else out of the way. This isn’t very nice but is less easy to resist. They’ve usually disappeared by the time you realise what has happened. Protest charmingly – ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise I was in the way’ – if you get the chance. Or just don’t get out of the way. Stand your ground and see what happens.

       If you see someone dropping litter, pick it up and hand it back to them. ‘I think you dropped this.’ It sometimes works. If they turn nasty, say, ‘It’s quite all right. I’ll throw it away for you.’ Then make a run for it.

      Children

      In public places there are two sorts: ones who are unaccompanied, ones who aren’t. Neither are quite as they should be. ‘I was in the newsagents only last week,’ says Mrs Gibbs. ‘Two little boys, both under ten, rushed in making an awful noise, barged in front of me and shouted at the shopkeeper, “Give us some chewing gum.” I wasn’t going to stand there doing nothing, I can tell you. I said, “Stop that racket, wait in the queue, if you wouldn’t mind, and when it’s your turn you might try ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’.” The shopkeeper and the one other customer in the shop were horrified. “You ought to watch out,” they said, “they might have had a gun.” I couldn’t believe it. What nonsense! Three adults in the shop and two little boys and the only person who wasn’t afraid of them an old woman of eighty-five!’

      At the airport, setting out with a party of ten for a villa holiday in Majorca, Zoe Miller, 25, just starting out in PR and a graduate of the University of Kent (one of those subjects that are hard to explain), was fed up with ‘all these parents who seemed to think the departure lounge was just a big play-pen for their children. One of the fathers was making the most noise, pretending to be a roller-coaster or something.’ Zoe is rather against children in general, which Mrs Gibbs isn’t. But perhaps Zoe has a point. It probably wasn’t just thoughtlessness either. Many parents now like to make a conspicuous parade of their parenting and what better opportunity than the departure lounge?

      Did she do anything about it? She is shocked. ‘Oh, no. That wouldn’t be right, would it? I’m not a busybody. It’s just my personal opinion that they’re annoying.’

      Zoe’s not thinking straight. She’s being too nice. It isn’t ‘just my personal opinion’. She’s got a fair point. A public space is a public space. It isn’t for one special interest group to take over.

       If unaccompanied children are behaving inconsiderately in public – making a lot of noise, dropping litter, barging queues – intervene if it is safe to do so and you are likely to get somewhere, in other words if there is a majority of adults present.

       Speak firmly but politely.

       Most children, even ‘well-brought-up’ ones, will take advantage if they sense that adults are afraid of them.

       Most ‘antisocial behaviour’ is perpetrated by children and teenagers. If adults won’t step in to put a stop to minor outbreaks it isn’t very surprising that some young people will graduate to more advanced forms.

       Parents of small children: it may be difficult to keep your offspring amused, especially if waiting in a public place, but try to show consideration for others. Once, at a rather serious concert, I sat in front of a child who had been supplied with a rattly teddy to keep her occupied for the duration.

       You’re more likely to get people’s backs up if your underlying attitude seems to be that your child has a right to rampage about. If you are apologetic and make some attempt to restrain, you will get a more indulgent response.

       If you are exasperated by unfettered children (e.g. strange child actually crawling over you in a café; mother looking on waiting for you to coo admiration) you’re going to have to say something. Don’t be relativist; don’t think, ‘Who am I to tell others what to do?’ Stand up for what you believe in!

      Get a move on: cashpoints and checkouts

      ‘Why don’t people know how to use a cashpoint machine?’ Zoe asks. In the queue she becomes impatient. But she is not quite herself near a cash dispenser anyway – so many anxieties about lack of funds. She’d rather snatch the smallest sum she thinks she can get away with and run. Which is why, in the supermarket, she is often holding up the queue paying £6.78 on her debit card and annoying people like Matt, always in a hurry because of family commitments. If you probe deeper into Matt’s soul, you’ll find that he does sometimes wonder why so many people stand for twenty minutes in a queue at the checkout and still haven’t got their money ready.

       Try to achieve technical mastery of the cashpoint machine. If there is a queue, don’t go on and on trying to make it give you money when you know quite well your account is empty. If you have a complicated transaction, apologise to anybody you are keeping waiting.

       Perhaps one day, in supermarkets, there will be a queue for people who have got their money or their cards ready.

       To speed things up, hand over your card as soon as all your goods have been scanned. Don’t wait until you have finished packing them.

       Don’t keep everybody waiting while you spend hours devising some gargantuan Dewey decimal system for packing your purchases.

      Munch as you go and What’s that smell?

      ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ says Mrs Gibbs. ‘I wouldn’t want to go back to the old days, when you got a withering look for sucking on a throat lozenge in Woolworth’s. But this eating on the street does seem to have got out of hand. People are working their way through whole hot dinners.’

      Perhaps she exaggerates just a little. But Zoe, young and carefree, is frequently to be seen in her lunch hour waving a plastic fork in one hand and holding a tinfoil tray full of carrot salad in the other – with not a few bits of carrot trailing on the pavement behind her. Others wield enormous door-step sandwiches and rolls whose contents are a challenge to control.

      Then on the trains and buses you see people tucking in to fish-and-chip dinners, curry suppers, sweet-and-sour pork, spare ribs. London Transport thought there was enough of a problem in 2004 to launch an anti-smelly-food poster campaign featuring an Italian-looking man hung about with salamis and bits of Parma ham. This caused grave offence. The Italian ambassador was obliged to point out that these foods are not smelly.

      Be that as it may, eating on the hoof isn’t very good for you and shows the minimum of respect for food. But that’s not the point. The old-fashioned idea that it just wasn’t dainty to eat in public might have been absurd but:

       The sight of people gnawing on huge filled rolls or trying awkwardly to eat chop suey from a tinfoil tray while walking along is rarely attractive.

       If you are struggling to eat this kind of food on the street, you are very likely to be in the way.

       In enclosed spaces, some people will think that what you’re eating smells horrible.

       Good СКАЧАТЬ