Dear Charlie. N.D. Gomes

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      To my family and Nick for their endless support

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

       About the Author

       Dedication

Chapter 1: ‘One to Another’ (The Charlatans, Summer 1996)

Chapter 2: ‘Everything Must Go’ (Manic Street Preachers, Summer 1996)

Chapter 3: ‘What Would the Community Think?’ (Cat Power, Autumn 1996)

Chapter 4: ‘The Circle’ (Ocean Colour Scene, Autumn 1996)

Chapter 5: ‘6 Underground’ (Sneaker Pimps, Autumn 1996)

Chapter 6: ‘Head Over Feet’ (Alanis Morissette, Autumn, 1996)

       Chapter 7: ‘Look on Down from the Bridge’ (Mazzy Star, Autumn 1996)

       Chapter 8: ‘When You’re Gone’ (Cranberries, Autumn 1996)

       Chapter 9: ‘No Place to Hide’ (Korn, Autumn 1996)

       Chapter 10: ‘Swallowed’ (Bush, Autumn 1996)

       Chapter 11: ‘Breathe’ (Prodigy, Autumn 1996)

       Chapter 12: ‘Follow You Down/Til I Hear it From You’ (Gin Blossoms, Winter 1996)

       Chapter 13: ‘She’s a Star’ (James, Winter 1996/1997)

       Chapter 14: ‘Alone’ (Dinosaur Jr., Spring 1997)

       Chapter 15: ‘One Headlight’ (Wallflowers, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 16: ‘Sunday Morning’ (No Doubt, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 17: ‘Say Yes’ (Elliott Smith, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 18: ‘Halo’ (Texas, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 19: ‘Let Down’ (Radiohead, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 20: ‘It’s No Good’ (Depeche Mode, Spring 1997)

       Chapter 21: ‘The End is the Beginning is the End’ (Smashing Pumpkins, Summer 1997)

       Chapter 22: ‘Staring at the Sun’ (U2, Summer 1997)

       Chapter 23: ‘Heroes’ (Oasis, B-Side, Summer 1997)

       Chapter 24: ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ (The Verve, Summer 1997)

       Copyright

Chapter 1

       ‘One to Another’ (The Charlatans, Summer 1996)

       Dear Charlie,

       I’m sorry it’s taken me seven weeks to write this. Honestly, I still don’t know why I am. It’s not like you will ever get to read it. It’s not like you will ever know how I am feeling. I can’t change anything, certainly not the past couple of months. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget. I’ll never be able to forget.

       The strange thing is, I can’t stop thinking about the small things, like what I had for breakfast that morning, what music I listened to on the radio while I ate, why I chose blue jeans over black cords. But that’s just it. These thoughts fill my head all day, but when I open my mouth to share them, I can’t. I just can’t.

       My therapist says if I can’t talk about it then maybe writing in a journal will help me. Like I’m the one who needs help in this family. Yes, I am seeing a therapist. That’s how bad things have got around here.

       I don’t even know where to start. Everything’s changed. Mum flits between total denial and hysterics, almost on a daily basis. One minute she acts like she really believes you’re just upstairs doing your homework or listening to music, and the next minute it’s a complete emotional breakdown all over again. She relives your death every day. My therapist says this is normal, but I’m beginning to question whether there really is a criterion for measuring normality in this kind of a situation.