Confessions of an English Opium-Eater. Томас Де Квинси

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СКАЧАТЬ returned my salutation (or rather my valediction), and we parted (though he knew it not) for ever.  I could not reverence him intellectually, but he had been uniformly kind to me, and had allowed me many indulgences; and I grieved at the thought of the mortification I should inflict upon him.

      The morning came which was to launch me into the world, and from which my whole succeeding life has in many important points taken its colouring.  I lodged in the head-master’s house, and had been allowed from my first entrance the indulgence of a private room, which I used both as a sleeping-room and as a study.  At half after three I rose, and gazed with deep emotion at the ancient towers of –, “drest in earliest light,” and beginning to crimson with the radiant lustre of a cloudless July morning.  I was firm and immovable in my purpose; but yet agitated by anticipation of uncertain danger and troubles; and if I could have foreseen the hurricane and perfect hail-storm of affliction which soon fell upon me, well might I have been agitated.  To this agitation the deep peace of the morning presented an affecting contrast, and in some degree a medicine.  The silence was more profound than that of midnight; and to me the silence of a summer morning is more touching than all other silence, because, the light being broad and strong as that of noonday at other seasons of the year, it seems to differ from perfect day chiefly because man is not yet abroad; and thus the peace of nature and of the innocent creatures of God seems to be secure and deep only so long as the presence of man and his restless and unquiet spirit are not there to trouble its sanctity.  I dressed myself, took my hat and gloves, and lingered a little in the room.  For the last year and a half this room had been my “pensive citadel”: here I had read and studied through all the hours of night, and though true it was that for the latter part of this time I, who was framed for love and gentle affections, had lost my gaiety and happiness during the strife and fever of contention with my guardian, yet, on the other hand, as a boy so passionately fond of books, and dedicated to intellectual pursuits, I could not fail to have enjoyed many happy hours in the midst of general dejection.  I wept as I looked round on the chair, hearth, writing-table, and other familiar objects, knowing too certainly that I looked upon them for the last time.  Whilst I write this it is eighteen years ago, and yet at this moment I see distinctly, as if it were yesterday, the lineaments and expression of the object on which I fixed my parting gaze.  It was a picture of the lovely –, which hung over the mantelpiece, the eyes and mouth of which were so beautiful, and the whole countenance so radiant with benignity and divine tranquillity, that I had a thousand times laid down my pen or my book to gather consolation from it, as a devotee from his patron saint.  Whilst I was yet gazing upon it the deep tones of – clock proclaimed that it was four o’clock.  I went up to the picture, kissed it, and then gently walked out and closed the door for ever!

* * * * *

      So blended and intertwisted in this life are occasions of laughter and of tears, that I cannot yet recall without smiling an incident which occurred at that time, and which had nearly put a stop to the immediate execution of my plan.  I had a trunk of immense weight, for, besides my clothes, it contained nearly all my library.  The difficulty was to get this removed to a carrier’s: my room was at an aërial elevation in the house, and (what was worse) the staircase which communicated with this angle of the building was accessible only by a gallery, which passed the head-master’s chamber door.  I was a favourite with all the servants, and knowing that any of them would screen me and act confidentially, I communicated my embarrassment to a groom of the head-master’s.  The groom swore he would do anything I wished, and when the time arrived went upstairs to bring the trunk down.  This I feared was beyond the strength of any one man; however, the groom was a man

      Of Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear

      The weight of mightiest monarchies;

      and had a back as spacious as Salisbury Plain.  Accordingly he persisted in bringing down the trunk alone, whilst I stood waiting at the foot of the last flight in anxiety for the event.  For some time I heard him descending with slow and firm steps; but unfortunately, from his trepidation, as he drew near the dangerous quarter, within a few steps of the gallery, his foot slipped, and the mighty burden falling from his shoulders, gained such increase of impetus at each step of the descent, that on reaching the bottom it trundled, or rather leaped, right across, with the noise of twenty devils, against the very bedroom door of the Archididascalus.  My first thought was that all was lost, and that my only chance for executing a retreat was to sacrifice my baggage.  However, on reflection I determined to abide the issue.  The groom was in the utmost alarm, both on his own account and on mine, but, in spite of this, so irresistibly had the sense of the ludicrous in this unhappy contretemps taken possession of his fancy, that he sang out a long, loud, and canorous peal of laughter, that might have wakened the Seven Sleepers.  At the sound of this resonant merriment, within the very ears of insulted authority, I could not myself forbear joining in it; subdued to this, not so much by the unhappy étourderie of the trunk, as by the effect it had upon the groom.  We both expected, as a matter of course, that Dr. – would sally, out of his room, for in general, if but a mouse stirred, he sprang out like a mastiff from his kennel.  Strange to say, however, on this occasion, when the noise of laughter had ceased, no sound, or rustling even, was to be heard in the bedroom.  Dr. – had a painful complaint, which, sometimes keeping him awake, made his sleep perhaps, when it did come, the deeper.  Gathering courage from the silence, the groom hoisted his burden again, and accomplished the remainder of his descent without accident.  I waited until I saw the trunk placed on a wheelbarrow and on its road to the carrier’s; then, “with Providence my guide,” I set off on foot, carrying a small parcel with some articles of dress under my arm; a favourite English poet in one pocket, and a small 12mo volume, containing about nine plays of Euripides, in the other.

      It had been my intention originally to proceed to Westmoreland, both from the love I bore to that country and on other personal accounts.  Accident, however, gave a different direction to my wanderings, and I bent my steps towards North Wales.

      After wandering about for some time in Denbighshire, Merionethshire, and Carnarvonshire, I took lodgings in a small neat house in B–.  Here I might have stayed with great comfort for many weeks, for provisions were cheap at B–, from the scarcity of other markets for the surplus produce of a wide agricultural district.  An accident, however, in which perhaps no offence was designed, drove me out to wander again.  I know not whether my reader may have remarked, but I have often remarked, that the proudest class of people in England (or at any rate the class whose pride is most apparent) are the families of bishops.  Noblemen and their children carry about with them, in their very titles, a sufficient notification of their rank.  Nay, their very names (and this applies also to the children of many untitled houses) are often, to the English ear, adequate exponents of high birth or descent.  Sackville, Manners, Fitzroy, Paulet, Cavendish, and scores of others, tell their own tale.  Such persons, therefore, find everywhere a due sense of their claims already established, except among those who are ignorant of the world by virtue of their own obscurity: “Not to know them, argues one’s self unknown.”  Their manners take a suitable tone and colouring, and for once they find it necessary to impress a sense of their consequence upon others, they meet with a thousand occasions for moderating and tempering this sense by acts of courteous condescension.  With the families of bishops it is otherwise: with them, it is all uphill work to make known their pretensions; for the proportion of the episcopal bench taken from noble families is not at any time very large, and the succession to these dignities is so rapid that the public ear seldom has time to become familiar with them, unless where they are connected with some literary reputation.  Hence it is that the children of bishops carry about with them an austere and repulsive air, indicative of claims not generally acknowledged, a sort of noli me tangere manner, nervously apprehensive of too familiar approach, and shrinking with the sensitiveness of a gouty man from all contact with the οι πολλοι.  Doubtless, a powerful understanding, or unusual goodness of nature, will preserve a man from such weakness, but in general the truth of my representation will be acknowledged; pride, if not of deeper root in such families, appears at least more upon the surface of their manners.  This spirit of manners naturally communicates itself to their domestics and other dependants.  Now, my landlady had been a lady’s maid or a nurse in the СКАЧАТЬ