Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great. Butler Ellis Parker

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СКАЧАТЬ of the famous lop-eared spotted beauty. He christened her Duchess on the spot, not especially because duchesses have lop-ears, but because he liked the name. That was in the days before people began calling things Nearwool and Ka-bosh-ko and Ogeta Jaggon, and similar made-to-order names.

      To Mr. Boggs, in the midst of his joy, came a thought; and he feverishly raked out with his hands the remaining newly born guinea-piglets, examining one after another. Oh, joy! He almost fainted! There was another lop-eared pig in the litter; and, what filled his cup to overflowing, he was able to christen the second one Duke!

      At that moment Perkins walked into the wood-shed. Perkins at that time had a room in the Silas Boggs mansion, and he entered the wood-shed merely to get an armful of wood with which to replenish his fire.

      “Well, Boggs,” he remarked in his cheerful way – and I may remark that, since Perkins has become famous, every advertising agent has copied his cheerful manner of speech, so that the ad. man who does not greet you with a smile no longer exists —

      “Well, Boggs,” he remarked, “more family ties, I see. Great thing, family ties. What is home without sixty-eight guinea-pigs?”

      Silas Boggs grinned. “Perkins!” he gasped. “Perkins! Oh, Perkins! My dear Perkins!” But he could get no farther, so overcome was he by his emotions. It was fully ten minutes before he could fully and clearly explain that the stork had brought him a pair – the only pair – of lop-eared guinea-pigs; and in the meantime Perkins had loaded his left arm with stove wood, and stood clasping it, overhand, with his right arm. When Silas Boggs managed to tell his wonderful news, Perkins dropped the armful of wood on the floor with a crash.

      “Boggs!” he cried, “Boggs! Now is your chance! Now is your golden opportunity! Advertise, my boy, advertise!”

      “What?” asked Silas Boggs, in amazement.

      “I say – advertise!” exclaimed Perkins again.

      “And I say – advertise what?” said Silas Boggs.

      “Advertise what?” Perkins ejaculated. “What should you advertise, but Silas Boggs’s Celebrated Lop-eared Guinea-pigs? What has the world been waiting and longing and pining for but the lop-eared guinea-pig? Why has the world been full of woe and pain, but because it lacked lop-eared guinea-pigs? Why are you happy this morning? Because you have lop-eared guinea-pigs! Don’t be selfish, Silas – give the world a chance. Let them into the joy-house on the ground floor. Sell them lop-eared guinea-pigs and joy. Advertise, and get rich!”

      Silas Boggs shook his head.

      “No!” he said. “No! I can’t. I have only two. I’ll keep them.”

      Perkins seated himself on the wood-pile.

      “Silas,” he said, “if I understand you, one of these lop-eared guinea-pigs is a lady, and the other is a gentleman. Am I right?”

      “You are,” remarked Silas Boggs.

      “And I believe the guinea-pigs usually marry young, do they not?” asked Perkins.

      “They do,” admitted Silas Boggs.

      “I think, if I am not mistaken,” said Perkins, “that you have told me they have large and frequent families. Is it so?”

      “Undoubtedly,” agreed Silas Boggs.

      “And you have stated,” said Perkins, “that those families many young and have large and frequent families that also marry young and have large and frequent families, have you not?”

      “I have! I have!” exclaimed Silas Boggs, beginning to warm up.

      “Then,” said Perkins, “in a year you ought to have many, many lop-eared guinea-pigs. Is that correct?”

      “I ought to have thousands!” cried Silas Boggs, in ecstasy.

      “What is a pair of common guinea-pigs worth?” asked Perkins.

      “One dollar,” said Silas Boggs. “A lop-eared pair ought to be worth two dollars, easily.”

      “Two dollars!” cried Perkins. “Two fiddlesticks! Five dollars, you mean! Why, man, you have a corner in lop-ears. You have all there are. Shake hands!”

      The two men shook hands solemnly. Mr. Perkins was hopefully solemn. Mr. Boggs was amazedly solemn.

      “I shake your hand,” said Perkins, “because I congratulate you on your fortune. You will soon be a wealthy man.” He paused, and then added, “If you advertise judiciously.”

      There were real tears in the eyes of Silas Boggs, as he laid his arm affectionately across Perkins’s shoulders.

      “Perkins,” he said, “I can never repay you. I can never even thank you. I will advertise. I’ll go right into the house and write out an order for space in every paper you represent. How many papers do you represent, Perkins?”

      Perkins coughed.

      “Perhaps,” he said, gently, “we had better begin small. Perhaps we had better begin with a hundred or so. There is no use overdoing it. I have over a thousand papers on my list; and if the lop-eared brand of guinea-pig shouldn’t be as fond of large families as the common guinea-pig is – if it should turn out to be a sort of fashionable American family kind of guinea-pig, you know – you might have trouble filling orders.”

      But Silas Boggs was too enthusiastic to listen to calm advice. He waved his arms wildly above his head.

      “No! no!” he shouted. “All, or none, Perkins! No half-measures with Silas Boggs! No skimping! Give me the whole thousand! I know what advertising is – I’ve had experience. Didn’t I advertise for a position as vice-president of a bank last year – and how many replies did I get? Not one! Not one! Not one, Perkins! I know, you agents are always too sanguine. But I don’t ask the impossible. I’m easily satisfied. If I sell one pair for each of the thousand papers I’ll be satisfied, and I’ll consider myself lucky. And as for the lop-eared guinea-pigs – you furnish the papers, and the guinea-pigs will do the rest!”

      Thus, in the face of Perkins’s good advice, Silas Boggs inserted a small advertisement in the entire list of one thousand country weeklies, and paid cash in advance. To those who know Perkins the Great to-day, such folly as going contrary to his advice in advertising matters would be unthought of. His word is law. To follow his advice means success; to neglect it means failure.

      He is infallible. But in those days, when his star was but rising above the horizon, he was not, as he is now, considered the master and leader of us all – the king of the advertising world – mighty giant of advertising genius among the dwarfs of imitation. So Silas Boggs refused his advice.

      The next month the advertisement of the Silas Boggs Lop-eared Guinea-pigs began to appear in the weekly newspapers of the West. The advertisement, although small, was well worded, for Perkins wrote it himself. It was a gem of advertising writing. It began with a small cut of a guinea-pig, which, unfortunately, appeared as a black blot in many of the papers; but this, perhaps, lent an air of mystery to the cut that it would not otherwise have had. The text was as follows:

      “The Celebrated Lop-eared Andalusian Guinea-pigs! Hardy and prolific! One of nature’s wonders! Makes a gentle and affectionate pet. For young or old. YOU CAN MAKE MONEY by raising and selling Lop-eared Andalusian Guinea-pigs. One pair starts you in business. Send money-order for $10 to СКАЧАТЬ