Crystal Garden. Evelina Bash

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СКАЧАТЬ hit me. He was really gone. In one moment, I felt desperate. And that despair was so deep and utter. As if I was at the bottom of a deep, deep pit from which there is no exit. Darkness surrounded me, and I dissolved in it. Only my heart was trying to fight back shrinking with pain. I wanted to scream. But I could not. I wanted to hide in the most secluded corner and disappear, as if I had never existed. What do I do in this world? Who needs me? That feeling of helplessness engulfed me. I could not change anything, fix it, turn back the clock! World has faded without him. I will never see him again. I will never hear his voice, his laughter. We will never walk together after school, and he will never chat about his grand plans again.

      I wanted to howl and climb the walls. I stopped eating and sleeping. If I fell asleep I dreamed the same dream. The garden covered with white snow and he on his knees, his back turned to me. I came up to him, he was cold and still. And I woke up screaming.

      6

      One night, I was drawing my comic book by the light of a lamp. I was trying to portray my beautiful Amazon in the heat of the battle with some absolutely disgusting monster, but nothing came out. I wasted a dozen of sheets and tore the last one. I got really angry.

      The door opened and in came the mother. I pretended not to notice her, took a new sheet of paper and drew some squiggle on it. Mother sat on the edge of the bed. She was looking at me without saying a word. I drew another squiggle and it became an outline of the face.

      “Walter,” mother said quietly.

      I did not respond, sketched a couple of strokes that turned into stiff upper lip and nose.

      “I know it’s hard,” she said.

      Well, yes. But. In our family there was no such habit as to communicate with each other. Each of us lived his own life and I was perfectly fine with it. No need to break the tradition.

      I carefully drew one eye, then the other. Meantime she kept saying some useless stuff, like I should open up my soul, she understands me and wants to help me, and she is ready to listen to all my problems. No way!

      I added the eyelashes, then thought and made them longer.

      You were never interested in my problems before, and now all of a sudden they became very important.

      “I know a very good doctor.”

      Stop. Doctor?

      I was going to finish curls, but at the mention of some Doctor my pencil hovered in the air, and I listened.

      “Albert is very good doctor, he works with adolescents for almost twenty years. He is a psychologist and kids love him.”

      Albert, a psychologist, kids… It is nonsense. I don’t need a doctor.

      I continued to draw. So, neck, shoulder, hand, sword in hand. Or a spear?

      “Walter, I made an appointment for the next Monday.”

      So, spear, then I should change the hand.

      She sat for a while, looking at me. Then she nodded to me or to herself, I don’t know, and left the room.

      On Monday, we went to Albert. He was one of those experts adored by the adults and believed to help their children. Well, well. Children did not like Albert. Teens too. I was lying on the couch in his office. He sat next to me in his chair and made some notes in a large notebook. I do not know why people think that lying on the couch helps to reveal your soul to some stranger whom you do not even sympathize. I was lying there examining the picture on the opposite wall. It depicted a summer meadow and a little girl playing with a big shepherd dog.

      “Walter,” he said. “You are going through the difficult period, but soon it will end.”

      “Are you sure?” I thought.

      “If you shrink into yourself it will be more difficult for you to go through all that. Open to us, share your feelings, and together we will decide what to do next. We all knew Robert, he was a good friend to many and your loss – is our loss.”

      Robert. No one called him Robert. Our loss. Who the hell are you to tell me about him? Thoughts raced through my head, but I was silent.

      “Death chooses not only the old and sick…”

      Oh, really.

      “Sometimes it takes young and healthy, but God works in mysterious ways…”

      C’mon and God is here, yeah.

      “We have to believe that there, in heaven, he is all right…”

      Are you a psychoanalyst or a priest?

      “He’s gone, but we continue to live, we must not give way to grief…”

      And you try.

      “We must find the strength to move on…”

      Blah, blah, blah. He talked a lot, he appealed to my senses, then to my reason, and then just tried to ask some questions, but I only answered yes or no. I heard that after the session he told my mother that he was able to get talking the kids, which were far more troubled, and advised to discuss with me what was going on.

      It made little sense. Annoying questions only angered me more. I continued to attend therapy sessions, but still did not want to talk to Albert. I did not want to talk to anybody, I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I already knew everything they said trying to express their sympathy. I knew that Sunny is gone and I must somehow live on. I knew that someday I’d probably get used to this thought. I had nothing to share with my mother, who suddenly remembered that she has me. Moreover, I had nothing to share with Albert, who knew nothing about such troubled teenagers as me. Gradually, the hideous monsters, which fought my beautiful Amazon, have become more like Albert and my parents.

      7

      In early May, one of my classmates, Alex, was having his birthday party.

      I had normal relationships with my classmates. I was not an outcast or some nerd, I was not an object of jokes or bullying. We just kept a respectful distance, and it was my conscious choice. I never really strived to be a part of the company. It was enough for me to stay connected with only one person – with Sunny. But now, without him, my world became too empty. There were the times when I did not talk to anybody for days, and now I madly wanted to communicate with someone. So madly, that I went to that party.

      Alex lived in a big and a beautiful house just a few blocks from my parents’ house, but our house was nothing compared to his. The doors were wide open and I heard the music and laughter. At first, nobody noticed as I walked in and stood in the doorway hesitating, but soon all eyes were on me. Some of them surprised, some absolutely indifferent, but some looked at me even with sympathy. Sunny’s death was a shock for everyone, though not that great as it was for me. Two girls ran up at me and began vying with each other offering me beer or some cocktail with vodka.

      I don’t remember what my choice was, but I became drunk pretty quickly. I was sitting in a chair staring blankly at the girls dancing in front of me. In one hand, I held a cigarette, in the other was a glass of something alcoholic. I felt weird. My head was spinning. I inhaled, and the room disappeared in the fog. Suddenly I found myself on the steps of the ruined gothic church. Large flakes of snow were falling from the night sky. My lonely footprints were lost somewhere in dark thicket of old trees.

      “Walter…” СКАЧАТЬ