Falling out of Heaven. John Lynch

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       What You Don’t See

      ‘You can either do it yourself or I will have to do it for you. It’s your choice.’

      I say nothing but hold her with my eyes. I am in a bathroom of some kind but it is more industrial than personal, all chrome bars and wide porcelain sinks. I am sitting on a small folding steel chair. I am still wearing my white gown and I can see the goosepimples on my exposed arms and legs.

      ‘Hygiene is very important,’ she says.

      I don’t feel as alone as I did, maybe it’s the long sleep or the fact that I am getting used to these people who surround me every waking hour telling me that they only have my best interests at heart. She is pretty this young girl in front of me and her face is open and rounded. She has a small plastic basin full of soapy water.

      ‘My name is Naomi.’

      I know she’s trying to get me to speak, but it’s so long since I have that I’m not sure if I can.

      ‘I know that this is difficult…That you feel alone…But you are in good hands…This is a good place, you must trust that…’

      She gently takes my feet and puts them in the basin. I feel the warmth spreading up my legs. She begins to move the sponge along the line of my calves.

      ‘You’ll feel better for this, you’ll see.’

      Her hands are small like a child’s and I watch as they slide up and down my shins.

      ‘You’re from the North, aren’t you?’

      Still I don’t reply but look at the suds forming in soapy rings on the hairs of my legs.

      ‘It’s great what’s happening up there now. Let’s hope it holds. It must have been tough for you all those years, all that violence…I’m from Waterford. I think sometimes that we had it very easy down here. You know, what you don’t see won’t hurt you…Now I’m going to put this mat on the floor and I need you to stand on it so I can give the rest of you a good scrub. That’s it…Who’s a good boy?’