Making Amends. Группа авторов

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СКАЧАТЬ all my actions and letting others have the responsibility for theirs.

      An amends is taking the episodes of my life that haunt me and laying them to rest, finally. It allows me to walk down my side of the street with my head up, unafraid of anyone I may encounter. It makes it possible for me to anticipate life instead of hiding from it. Life is to be lived, not battled or avoided.

      An amends is allowing those I abused in my disease to participate in my recovery. I owe them that, and more important, I owe myself that. I believe that each time I committed an offense against another person, in reality I committed a far greater offense against myself. The offenses against others pale in significance when compared with the internal havoc I wreaked within myself.

      I’ve found that mistreating others is really a two-part deal. First, I go against my values by telling myself it is OK to commit a wrong against someone else. My ethics and morals both say this is wrong, yet when I take over the management of my life, I tend to override any good sense I ever had. The pursuit of a fleeting moment’s excitement becomes more important than living up to my own standards. Each time I did that, I gave a piece of myself away. I believe my self-esteem when I got here was on the minus side of the page because I had given so many pieces of myself away.

      Second, I committed the wrong against another person. Therefore, each time I was harmful to others, I gave that piece of myself to them, thus giving away control of my actions and thinking. That was certainly evident by the pains I went to in order to avoid those I had wronged. I even had to change my route to the washroom at work, taking a longer, more devious path. Fear. Guilt. Hiding. Have you ever avoided going someplace you really wanted to go, because you knew one of your “victims” would be there too? Not a fun way to live.

      Upon sobering up, joining AA and setting out on the “Road of Happy Destiny,” I discovered a new strength within. That strength has allowed me to make my amends, and as a result, I’ve experienced some of the most profound and moving moments of my sobriety. Some really marvelous people reentered my life because of my amends attempts, and we are closer today than before. You see, prior to the amends, I had never stopped to really look at them, to put myself in their place, to empathize with them, to consider their importance in my life, to just be polite. I found some really good folks where I had previously seen small, inferior, bothersome persons.

      Each person did one big thing for me. They all returned the small pieces of myself I had left in their charge, thus participating in my recovery by assisting me to become whole again. The more I was able to follow the Big Book in making my amends, the better I felt. It astounds me that those I wronged are able to contribute so much to my recovery. Once I discovered this, I began to seek them out more fervently, and my amends really began to enhance my sobriety. I am still amazed at God’s power to put the wreck I was back together.

      It has been eight years since my first bumbling attempts at amends, and I’m pretty much whole again. All the negative feelings I used to associate with Step Nine are gone. My Higher Power has allowed me to experience our wonderful way of life to the fullest, and I want more of it.

      There is yet one piece of myself still in the care of another, and I am looking forward to going home for that visit in a few months. Thanks to God, our program, my sponsor and my group, I have all the tickets I need for a very rewarding excursion into a few moments of my past. I left part of myself and someone I need there. I’m going back to get them.

      N. D.

      Omaha, Nebraska

How Willing Would You Be?

      August 1991

      Although my body walked, my spirit crawled out of the room where I had just completed my Fifth Step. I was so sick of myself and my character defects that I was totally willing to take the Sixth and Seventh Steps.

      Then came Step Eight. The first part of this Step was easy. The Big Book told me that I had made my list when I made my inventory, so I took my list of persons I had harmed from my Fourth Step.

      The second part of this Step was not so easy. “Willing,” it said. There’s that word again; the Big Book and the “Twelve and Twelve” seem to use that word a lot. It’s written in Step Three, again emphasized in Step Six, and here it is again in Step Eight. As I looked my list over, there were many amends I was willing to make, as I could see where I had been childish, selfish and self-centered. But there were some that brought back hurts so deep I was not willing to make amends then—and I seriously doubted if I ever would be. The words from the Big Book kept playing through my head, “We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.” I knew that, but I still wasn’t willing.

      Reading over the part on Step Eight in the Big Book, I saw I wasn’t unique; earlier AAs had evidently been like me. This was apparent when I read the line that says, “There are probably still some misgivings,” and again when I read, “If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.” (Ask God, of course.)

      I kept praying about the difficult amends while I was making other amends, and it seemed like every meeting I attended during that time was on the Eighth Step. In one of these meetings, I heard someone share her experience. She had been willing to make all her amends but one. In talking to her sponsor about it, the sponsor put it like this: If your program depended upon this one amends—that is, if you made this amends you would stay sober, and if you didn’t make it you would drink again—how willing would you be then?

      Hearing that, and reading again about going to any length, brought me the willingness I had been praying for—at least on all but one. Deep in my heart I knew it would take a miracle for the willingness to come for that one, and when the exact moment was right, God gave me the willingness so suddenly that it was like a physical force slammed into me. Once again, God was right on time, not a minute too early or a second too late.

      Since I’ve been in the program, I’ve been told countless times that if I will take care of the possible, God will handle the impossible. Countless times I’ve witnessed this to be true.

      It’s been over two-and-a-half years since all this happened, and I’m still sober. I can only say it’s because of God and not me, for the part I played has been so small in comparison to God’s part. I thank God for AA, and for the fact that, just for today, I’m still willing.

      Robi M.

      Edmond, Oklahoma

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