Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays. Various

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СКАЧАТЬ Waiter! Tell this woman not to shout so!—How much does your child cost?

      Townsman. My child costs—nothing! Do you understand?

      American. Well, your child costs nothing—my dog costs eight dollars. Think that over—is your son a thoroughbred? My dog is of the purest breed—think that over—if your son hurts my dog I'll hold you responsible. Think that over. [Fills his glass.]

      Cocotte. What do you think that man to be, little mouse?

      Young Man. A full blooded American.

      Artist. I should say he's a German who has spent two weeks in New York.

      Townsman. Aristide, are you going to sit there and permit your defenseless wife to be insulted like that?

      Townsman. As long as you have your tongue, my dear, you are not defenseless.

      Townswoman. It is your business to talk to him. [Kisses the Child.] My poor little Phillip! Your father is no man.

      Townsman. I was before I got married. [Crosses to the American.] Sir, my name is Aristide Beaurepard.

      American. Is that my fault?

      Townsman. I am the father of a family.

      American. I am very sorry for you, indeed.

      Townsman. I have a wife and children—

      American. You have only yourself to blame.

      Townsman. Your dog—

      American. I have no desire to discuss dogs with you. I don't believe you know anything about thoroughbred dogs. Waiter, sit this man down in his place.

      Townsman. This is I must say, this is—

      Waiter. Monsieur, you must not make a racket around you. This is a first class establishment. A real prince once dined here, I would have you understand. Come on now, if you please. [Leads Townsman back to his seat.]

      Townsman [sits unwillingly]. Not a centime tip will that fellow get from me. Not a centime.

      American. Waiter, Waiter, bring my dog a portion of liver, and not too fat. And a roast potato.

      Beggar. [Coming down C.] [Jumps up, cries out wildly.] I can't stand any more. For eight days I have not had a warm morsel of food in my stomach. I am not a human being any more. I'll kill myself. [Runs to the edge of the dock and jumps overboard.] [The splash of the water is heard. The Townswoman and the Waiter call "help, help!" Whereupon, from every side a crowd collects so that the entire background is filled with people staring into the water.]

      Townswoman. For God's sake he has thrown himself into the Seine. Oh, God! Oh, God!

      Omnes. He's in the river!

      American. [At table Right.] What a noisy place this is.

      [Townsman at center throws off his coat and is unbuttoning his vest when his wife seizes him.]

      Townswoman. [Center.] [Whimpering.] Aristide, remember you have a wife and children.

      Townsman. That is why I want to do it.

      Townswoman. Aristide, I'll jump in after you—as true as I live I'll jump in after you.

      Townsman. [Slowly puts his coat on again.] Then I won't do it. [Goes with her into the crowd.]

      A Voice. Get the life buoy. [Willing hands try to unloosen the life buoy, but it sticks.]

      Another Voice. Let that life buoy alone. Don't you see the sign "Do not touch"?

      A Man. The buoy is no good. It will not work.

      Another Man. Of course not. It's city property.

      Cocotte [shuddering]. I can't look at it. [Comes back to her table.]

      A Woman. Look! He's come up! Over there!

      Child. I can't see.

      Townswoman. My little heart of gold [to her husband]. Why don't you lift him up? Don't you hear that the child can't see? [Townsman takes the child on his shoulder.]

      Young Man [coming back to table]. These people are utterly heartless. It is revolting.

      American [loudly]. I'll bet twenty dollars he drowns. Who'll take the bet? Twenty dollars.

      Young Man. Are you a man or a beast?

      American. Young man, better shut your mouth. [Fills his glass.]

      Young Man. Does no one hear know the meaning of Altruism?

      Artist. Altruism! Ha, ha! [Laughs scornfully.] Love of one's neighbor. God preserve mankind from Altruism!

      Cocotte. What do you mean? You are not in earnest?

      Artist. In dead earnest. [Some one in the crowd brings a boat hook and reaches down into the river.]

      American. I'll bet twenty-five dollars that he doesn't drown—thirty dollars! [Disgustedly, seeing that no one takes him up.] Tightwads!

      Artist. Life is like that. One man's success is another man's failure. He who sacrifices himself for an idea is a hero. He who sacrifices himself for a fellow man is a fool.

      Young Man [theatrically]. No, it is the highest, the noblest of instincts. That is why my heart bleeds when I see all these people stand indifferently by while a fellow man is drowning. No one jumps in after him—

      American. Jump in yourself, young man, jump in yourself.

      Young Man [center]. It is different with me, I am with a lady—it wouldn't be right.

      American. Nobody will bet. This is a hell of a bunch. They ought to see one of our nigger lynchings. [Strokes the dog.] Poor Molly! She is so nervous. Things like this get her all excited.

      [Two Policemen enter.]

      First Policeman. Look at the mob. Something is liable to happen there.

      Second Policeman. Isn't it forbidden for such a mob to gather on the dock?

      First Policeman. Sure, it's against the law. Why shouldn't it be?

      Second Policeman [shaking their heads]. This is no place for us. [Exit Left.]

      Artist [to the Young Man]. Does it begin to dawn on you that true love of one's neighbor would not only be monotonous but unbearable as well.

      Young Man. Out there a man is drowning—and you stand there moralizing.

      Artist. Why not? We read a dozen suicides every day. [x to Chair Left.] Yet we go home and eat СКАЧАТЬ