LOOK HOMEWARD, ANGEL. Thomas Wolfe

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СКАЧАТЬ the library he ravaged the shelves of boys’ books, going unweariedly through all the infinite monotony of the Algers — Pluck and Luck, Sink or Swim, Grit, Jack’s Ward, Jed the Poor-house Boy — and dozens more. He gloated over the fat money-getting of these books (a motif in boys’ books that has never been sufficiently recognized); all of the devices of fortune, the loose rail, the signalled train, the rich reward for heroism; or the full wallet found and restored to its owner; or the value of the supposedly worthless bonds; or the discovery of a rich patron in the city, sunk so deeply into his desires that he was never after able to quench them.

      And all the details of money — the value of the estate usurped by the scoundrelly guardian and his caddish son, he feasted upon, reckoning up the amount of income, if it were not given, or if it were, dividing the annual sum into monthly and weekly portions, and dreaming on its purchasing power. His desires were not modest — no fortune under $250,000 satisfied him: the income of $100,000 at six per cent would pinch one, he felt, from lavishness; and if the reward of virtue was only twenty thousand dollars, he felt bitter chagrin, reckoning life insecure, and comfort a present warmth.

      He built up a constant exchange of books among his companions, borrowing and lending in an intricate web, from Max Isaacs, from “Nosey” Schmidt, the butcher’s son, who had all the rich adventures of the Rover Boys; he ransacked Gant’s shelves at home, reading translations of the Iliad and the Odyssey at the same time as Diamond Dick, Buffalo Bill, and the Algers, and for the same reason; then, as the first years waned and the erotic gropings became more intelligible, he turned passionately to all romantic legendry, looking for women in whom blood ran hotly, whose breath was honey, and whose soft touch a spurting train of fire.

      And in this pillage of the loaded shelves, he found himself wedged firmly into the grotesque pattern of Protestant fiction which yields the rewards of Dionysus to the loyal disciples of John Calvin, panting and praying in a breath, guarding the plumtree with the altar fires, outdoing the pagan harlot with the sanctified hussy.

      Aye, thought he, he would have his cake and eat it too — but it would be a wedding-cake. He was devout in his desire to be a good man; he would bestow the accolade of his love upon nothing but a Virgin; he would marry himself to none but a Pure Woman. This, he saw from the books, would cause no renunciation of delight, for the good women were physically the most attractive.

      He had learned unknowingly what the exquisite voluptuary finds, after weary toil, much later — that no condition of life is so favorable to his enjoyment as that one which is rigidly conventionalized. He had all the passionate fidelity of a child to the laws of the community: all the filtered deposit of Sunday Morning Presbyterianism had its effect.

      He entombed himself in the flesh of a thousand fictional heroes, giving his favorites extension in life beyond their books, carrying their banners into the gray places of actuality, seeing himself now as the militant young clergyman, arrayed, in his war on slum conditions, against all the moneyed hostility of his fashionable church, aided in his hour of greatest travail by the lovely daughter of the millionaire tenement owner, and winning finally a victory for God, the poor, and himself.

      . . . They stood silently a moment in the vast deserted nave of Saint Thomas’. Far in the depth of the vast church Old Michael’s slender hands pressed softly on the organ-keys. The last rays of the setting sun poured in a golden shaft down through the western windows, falling for a moment, in a cloud of glory, as if in benediction, on Mainwaring’s tired face.

      “I am going,” he said presently.

      “Going?” she whispered. “Where?”

      The organ music deepened.

      “Out there,” he gestured briefly to the West. “Out there — among His people.”

      “Going?” She could not conceal the tremor of her voice. “Going? Alone?”

      He smiled sadly. The sun had set. The gathering darkness hid the suspicious moisture in his gray eyes.

      “Yes, alone,” he said. “Did not One greater than I go out alone some nineteen centuries ago?”

      “Alone? Alone?” A sob rose in her throat and choked her.

      “But before I go,” he said, after a moment, in a voice which he strove in vain to render steady, “I want to tell you —” He paused for a moment, struggling for mastery of his feelings.

      “Yes?” she whispered.

      “— That I shall never forget you, little girl, as long as I live. Never.” He turned abruptly to depart.

      “No, not alone! You shall not go alone!” she stopped him with a sudden cry.

      He whirled as if he had been shot.

      “What do you mean? What do you mean?” he cried hoarsely.

      “Oh, can’t you see! Can’t you see!” She threw out her little hands imploringly, and her voice broke.

      “Grace! Grace! Dear heaven, do you mean it!”

      “You silly man! Oh, you dear blind foolish boy! Haven’t you known for ages — since the day I first heard you preach at the Murphy Street settlement?”

      He crushed her to him in a fierce embrace; her slender body yielded to his touch as he bent over her; and her round arms stole softly across his broad shoulders, around his neck, drawing his dark head to her as he planted hungry kisses on her closed eyes, the column of her throat, the parted petal of her fresh young lips.

      “Forever,” he answered solemnly. “So help me God.”

      The organ music swelled now into a triumphant pæan, filling with its exultant melody that vast darkness of the church. And as Old Michael cast his heart into the music, the tears flowed unrestrained across his withered cheeks, but smilingly happily through his tears, as dimly through his old eyes he saw the two young figures enacting again the age-old tale of youth and love, he murmured,

      “I am the resurrection and the life, Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end” . . .

      Eugene turned his wet eyes to the light that streamed through the library windows, winked rapidly, gulped, and blew his nose heavily. Ah, yes! Ah, yes!

      . . . The band of natives, seeing now that they had no more to fear, and wild with rage at the losses they had suffered, began to advance slowly toward the foot of the cliff, led by Taomi, who, dancing with fury, and hideous with warpaint, urged them on, exhorting them in a shrill voice.

      Glendenning cursed softly under his breath as he looked once more at the empty cartridge belts, then grimly, as he gazed at the yelling horde below, slipped his two remaining cartridges into his Colt.

      “For us?” she said, quietly. He nodded.

      “It is the end?” she whispered, but without a trace of fear.

      Again he nodded, and turned his head away for a moment. Presently he lifted his gray face to her.

      “It is death, Veronica,” he said, “and now I may speak.”

      “Yes, Bruce,” she answered softly.

      It was the first time he had ever heard her use his name, and his heart thrilled to it.

      “I СКАЧАТЬ