Complete Works. D. H. Lawrence

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СКАЧАТЬ alive, which seemed to live for her. He was brooding now, staring out over the country from under sullen brows. The little, interesting diversity of shapes had vanished from the scene; all that remained was a vast, dark matrix of sorrow and tragedy, the same in all the houses and the river-flats and the people and the birds; they were only shapen differently. And now that the forms seemed to have melted away, there remained the mass from which all the landscape was composed, a dark mass of struggle and pain. The factory, the girls, his mother, the large, uplifted church, the thicket of the town, merged into one atmosphere—dark, brooding, and sorrowful, every bit.

      “Is that two o'clock striking?” Mrs. Dawes said in surprise.

      Paul started, and everything sprang into form, regained its individuality, its forgetfulness, and its cheerfulness.

      They hurried back to work.

      When he was in the rush of preparing for the night's post, examining the work up from Fanny's room, which smelt of ironing, the evening postman came in.

      “'Mr. Paul Morel,'” he said, smiling, handing Paul a package. “A lady's handwriting! Don't let the girls see it.”

      The postman, himself a favourite, was pleased to make fun of the girls' affection for Paul.

      It was a volume of verse with a brief note: “You will allow me to send you this, and so spare me my isolation. I also sympathise and wish you well.—C.D.” Paul flushed hot.

      “Good Lord! Mrs. Dawes. She can't afford it. Good Lord, who ever'd have thought it!”

      He was suddenly intensely moved. He was filled with the warmth of her. In the glow he could almost feel her as if she were present—her arms, her shoulders, her bosom, see them, feel them, almost contain them.

      This move on the part of Clara brought them into closer intimacy. The other girls noticed that when Paul met Mrs. Dawes his eyes lifted and gave that peculiar bright greeting which they could interpret. Knowing he was unaware, Clara made no sign, save that occasionally she turned aside her face from him when he came upon her.

      They walked out together very often at dinner-time; it was quite open, quite frank. Everybody seemed to feel that he was quite unaware of the state of his own feeling, and that nothing was wrong. He talked to her now with some of the old fervour with which he had talked to Miriam, but he cared less about the talk; he did not bother about his conclusions.

      One day in October they went out to Lambley for tea. Suddenly they came to a halt on top of the hill. He climbed and sat on a gate, she sat on the stile. The afternoon was perfectly still, with a dim haze, and yellow sheaves glowing through. They were quiet.

      “How old were you when you married?” he asked quietly.

      “Twenty-two.”

      Her voice was subdued, almost submissive. She would tell him now.

      “It is eight years ago?”

      “Yes.”

      “And when did you leave him?”

      “Three years ago.”

      “Five years! Did you love him when you married him?”

      She was silent for some time; then she said slowly:

      “I thought I did—more or less. I didn't think much about it. And he wanted me. I was very prudish then.”

      “And you sort of walked into it without thinking?”

      “Yes. I seemed to have been asleep nearly all my life.”

      “Somnambule? But—when did you wake up?”

      “I don't know that I ever did, or ever have—since I was a child.”

      “You went to sleep as you grew to be a woman? How queer! And he didn't wake you?”

      “No; he never got there,” she replied, in a monotone.

      The brown birds dashed over the hedges where the rose-hips stood naked and scarlet.

      “Got where?” he asked.

      “At me. He never really mattered to me.”

      The afternoon was so gently warm and dim. Red roofs of the cottages burned among the blue haze. He loved the day. He could feel, but he could not understand, what Clara was saying.

      “But why did you leave him? Was he horrid to you?”

      She shuddered lightly.

      “He—he sort of degraded me. He wanted to bully me because he hadn't got me. And then I felt as if I wanted to run, as if I was fastened and bound up. And he seemed dirty.”

      “I see.”

      He did not at all see.

      “And was he always dirty?” he asked.

      “A bit,” she replied slowly. “And then he seemed as if he couldn't get AT me, really. And then he got brutal—he WAS brutal!”

      “And why did you leave him finally?”

      “Because—because he was unfaithful to me—”

      They were both silent for some time. Her hand lay on the gate-post as she balanced. He put his own over it. His heart beat quickly.

      “But did you—were you ever—did you ever give him a chance?”

      “Chance? How?”

      “To come near to you.”

      “I married him—and I was willing—”

      They both strove to keep their voices steady.

      “I believe he loves you,” he said.

      “It looks like it,” she replied.

      He wanted to take his hand away, and could not. She saved him by removing her own. After a silence, he began again:

      “Did you leave him out of count all along?”

      “He left me,” she said.

      “And I suppose he couldn't MAKE himself mean everything to you?”

      “He tried to bully me into it.”

      But the conversation had got them both out of their depth. Suddenly Paul jumped down.

      “Come on,” he said. “Let's go and get some tea.”

      They found a cottage, where they sat in the cold parlour. She poured out his tea. She was very quiet. He felt she had withdrawn again from him. After tea, she stared broodingly into her tea-cup, twisting her wedding ring all the time. In her abstraction she took the ring off her finger, stood it up, and spun it upon the table. The gold became a diaphanous, glittering globe. It fell, and the ring was quivering upon the table. She spun it again and again. Paul watched, fascinated.

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