The Essential Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

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СКАЧАТЬ if we cavalry fellows hadn’t found the ford and got across and turned old Beaulieu’s flank for you. You know you daren’t have given the order to charge the bridge if you hadn’t seen us on the other side. Consequently, I say that whoever found that ford won the battle of Lodi. Well, who found it? I was the first man to cross: and I know. It was my horse that found it. (With conviction, as he rises from the couch.) That horse is the true conqueror of the Austrians.

      NAPOLEON (passionately). You idiot: I’ll have you shot for losing those despatches: I’ll have you blown from the mouth of a cannon: nothing less could make any impression on you. (Baying at him.) Do you hear? Do you understand?

      A French officer enters unobserved, carrying his sheathed sabre in his hand.

      LIEUTENANT (unabashed). IF I don’t capture him, General. Remember the if.

      NAPOLEON. If! If!! Ass: there is no such man.

      THE OFFICER (suddenly stepping between them and speaking in the unmistakable voice of the Strange Lady). Lieutenant: I am your prisoner. (She offers him her sabre. They are amazed. Napoleon gazes at her for a moment thunderstruck; then seizes her by the wrist and drags her roughly to him, looking closely and fiercely at her to satisfy himself as to her identity; for it now begins to darken rapidly into night, the red glow over the vineyard giving way to clear starlight.)

      NAPOLEON. Pah! (He flings her hand away with an exclamation of disgust, and turns his back on her with his hand in his breast and his brow lowering.)

      LIEUTENANT (triumphantly, taking the sabre). No such man: eh, General? (To the Lady.) I say: where’s my horse?

      LADY. Safe at Borghetto, waiting for you, Lieutenant.

      NAPOLEON (turning on them). Where are the despatches?

      LADY. You would never guess. They are in the most unlikely place in the world. Did you meet my sister here, any of you?

      LIEUTENANT. Yes. Very nice woman. She’s wonderfully like you; but of course she’s better looking.

      LADY (mysteriously). Well, do you know that she is a witch?

      GIUSEPPE (running down to them in terror, crossing himself). Oh, no, no, no. It is not safe to jest about such things. I cannot have it in my house, excellency.

      LIEUTENANT. Yes, drop it. You’re my prisoner, you know. Of course I don’t believe in any such rubbish; but still it’s not a proper subject for joking.

      LADY. But this is very serious. My sister has bewitched the General. (Giuseppe and the Lieutenant recoil from Napoleon.) General: open your coat: you will find the despatches in the breast of it. (She puts her hand quickly on his breast.) Yes: there they are: I can feel them. Eh? (She looks up into his face half coaxingly, half mockingly.) Will you allow me, General? (She takes a button as if to unbutton his coat, and pauses for permission.)

      NAPOLEON (inscrutably). If you dare.

      LADY. Thank you. (She opens his coat and takes out the despatches.) There! (To Giuseppe, showing him the despatches.) See!

      GIUSEPPE (flying to the outer door). No, in heaven’s name! They’re bewitched.

      LADY (turning to the Lieutenant). Here, Lieutenant: YOU’RE not afraid of them.

      LIEUTENANT (retreating). Keep off. (Seizing the hilt of the sabre.) Keep off, I tell you.

      LADY (to Napoleon). They belong to you, General. Take them.

      GIUSEPPE. Don’t touch them, excellency. Have nothing to do with them.

      LIEUTENANT. Be careful, General: be careful.

      GIUSEPPE. Burn them. And burn the witch, too.

      LADY (to Napoleon). Shall I burn them?

      NAPOLEON (thoughtfully). Yes, burn them. Giuseppe: go and fetch a light.

      GIUSEPPE (trembling and stammering). Do you mean go alone — in the dark — with a witch in the house?

      NAPOLEON. Psha! You’re a poltroon. (To the Lieutenant.) Oblige me by going, Lieutenant.

      LIEUTENANT (remonstrating). Oh, I say, General! No, look here, you know: nobody can say I’m a coward after Lodi. But to ask me to go into the dark by myself without a candle after such an awful conversation is a little too much. How would you like to do it yourself?

      NAPOLEON (irritably). You refuse to obey my order?

      LIEUTENANT (resolutely). Yes, I do. It’s not reasonable. But I’ll tell you what I’ll do. If Giuseppe goes, I’ll go with him and protect him.

      NAPOLEON (to Giuseppe). There! will that satisfy you? Be off, both of you.

      GIUSEPPE (humbly, his lips trembling). W — willingly, your excellency. (He goes reluctantly towards the inner door.) Heaven protect me! (To the lieutenant.) After you, Lieutenant.

      LIEUTENANT. You’d better go first: I don’t know the way.

      GIUSEPPE. You can’t miss it. Besides (imploringly, laying his hand on his sleeve), I am only a poor innkeeper; and you are a man of family.

      LIEUTENANT. There’s something in that. Here: you needn’t be in such a fright. Take my arm. (Giuseppe does so.) That’s the way.(They go out, arm in arm. It is now starry night. The lady throws the packet on the table and seats herself at her ease on the couch enjoying the sensation of freedom from petticoats.)

      LADY. Well, General: I’ve beaten you.

      NAPOLEON (walking about). You have been guilty of indelicacy — of unwomanliness. Do you consider that costume a proper one to wear?

      LADY. It seems to me much the same as yours.

      NAPOLEON. Psha! I blush for you.

      LADY (naively). Yes: soldiers blush so easily! (He growls and turns away. She looks mischievously at him, balancing the despatches in her hand.) Wouldn’t you like to read these before they’re burnt, General? You must be dying with curiosity. Take a peep. (She throws the packet on the table, and turns her face away from it.) I won’t look.

      NAPOLEON. I have no curiosity whatever, madame. But since you are evidently burning to read them, I give you leave to do so.

      LADY. Oh, I’ve read them already.

      NAPOLEON (starting). What!

      LADY. I read them the first thing after I rode away on that poor lieutenant’s horse. So you see I know what’s in them; and you don’t.

      NAPOLEON. Excuse me: I read them there in the vineyard ten minutes ago.

      LADY. Oh! (Jumping up.) Oh, General I’ve not beaten you. I do admire you so. (He laughs and pats her cheek.) This time really and truly without shamming, I do you homage (kissing his hand).

      NAPOLEON (quickly withdrawing it). Brr! Don’t do that. No more witchcraft.

      LADY. I want to say something to you — only you would misunderstand it.

      NAPOLEON. Need that stop СКАЧАТЬ