The Universal Reciter. Various

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      My bishop's satin gown;

      For I maun tell the baillie's wife,

      That Colin's in the town.

      My Turkey slippers maun gae on,

      My stockings pearly blue;

      It's a' to pleasure our gudeman,

      For he's baith leal and true.

      Rise, lass, and mak a clean fireside,

      Put on the mukle pot;

      Gie little Kate her button gown

      And Jock his Sunday coat;

      And mak their shoon as black as slaes,

      Their hose as white as snaw;

      It's a' to please my own gudeman,

      For he's been long awa.

      There's twa fat hens upo' the coop,

      Been fed this month and mair;

      Mak haste and thraw their necks about,

      That Colin weel may fare;

      And mak our table neat and clean,

      Let everything look braw,

      For wha can tell how Colin fared

      When he was far awa?

      Sae true his heart, sae smooth his speech,

      His breath like caller air;

      His very foot has music in't

      As he comes up the stair.

      And shall I see his face again?

      And shall I hear him speak?

      I'm downright dizzy wi' the thought,

      In troth I'm like to greet!

      The cold blasts o' the winter wind,

      That thirléd through my heart,

      They're a' blown by, I hae him safe,

      'Till death we'll never part;

      But what puts parting in my head?

      It may be far awa!

      The present moment is our ain,

      The neist we never saw.

      Since Colin's weel, and weel content,

      I hae nae mair to crave;

      And gin I live to keep him sae,

      I'm blest aboov the lave.

      And will I see his face again?

      And will I hear him speak?

      I'm downright dizzy wi' the thought,

      In troth I'm like to greet.

      For there's nae luck about the house,

      There's nae lack at a';

      There's little pleasure in the house

      When our gudeman's awa.

SNYDER'S NOSE.

       Table of Contents

      "OUR FAT CONTRIBUTOR."

      S NYDER kept a beer saloon some years ago "over the Rhine." Snyder was a ponderous Teuton of very irascible temper—"sudden and quick in quarrel"—get mad in a minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great resort for "the boys"—partly because of the excellence of his beer, and partly because they liked to chafe "Old Snyder," as they called him; for, although his bark was terrific, experience had taught them that he wouldn't bite.

      One day Snyder was missing; and it was explained by his "frau," who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had "gone out fishing mit der poys." The next day one of the boys, who was particularly fond of "roasting" old Snyder, dropped in to get a glass of beer, and discovered Snyder's nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and blistered by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato.

      "Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said the caller.

      "I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, laying his finger tenderly against his proboscis; "the sun it pese hot like ash never vas, und I purns my nose. Nice nose, don't it?" And Snyder viewed it with a look of comical sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It entered at once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected half a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged that they should drop in at the saloon one after another, and ask Snyder, "What's the matter with that nose?" to see how long he would stand it. The man who put up the job went in first with a companion, and seating themselves at a table called for beer. Snyder brought it to them, and the new-comer exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?"

      "I yust dell your friend here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt de sun he purnt 'em—zwi lager—den cents—all right."

      Another boy rushes in. "Halloo, boys, you're ahead of me this time; s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring me a glass of lager and a pret"—(appears to catch a sudden glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks wonderingly a moment and then bursts out laughing)—"ha! ha! ha! Why, Snyder—ha!—ha!—what's the matter with that nose?"

      Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt nose or having it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly emphatic:

      "I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt de sun it yust ash hot ash blazes, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right."

      Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em up" for the whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the boys' glasses, and take a drink yourse——ho! ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha—ha! ha!—what's the matter with that nose?"

      Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his voice grows deeper and sterner:

      "I peen out fishin' mit der poys on the Leedle Miami. De sun pese hot like ash—vel, I burn my pugle. Now that is more vot I don't got to say. Vot gind o' peseness? Dat ish all right; I purn my own nose, don't it?"

      "Burn your nose—burn all the hair off your head for what I care; you needn't get mad about it."

      It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one tweak at that nose; for he was tramping about behind his bar, СКАЧАТЬ