The Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (33 Works in One Edition). Уильям Сомерсет Моэм

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      It was not difficult to impose upon the Parsons, and Major Forsyth had gained over them a complete ascendancy. They took his opinion on every possible matter, accepting whatever he said with gratified respect. He was a man of the world, and well acquainted with the goings-on of society. They had an idea that he disappointed duchesses to come down to Little Primpton, and always felt that it was a condescension on his part to put up with their simple manners. They altered their hours; luncheon was served at the middle of the day, and dinner in the evening.

      Mrs. Parsons put on a Sabbath garment of black silk to receive her brother, and round her neck a lace fichu. When he arrived with Colonel Parsons from the station, she went into the hall to meet him.

      "Well, William, have you had a pleasant journey?"

      "Oh, yes, yes! I came down with the prettiest woman I've seen for many a long day. I made eyes at her all the way, but she wouldn't look at me."

      "William, William!" expostulated Mr. Parsons, smiling.

      "You see he hasn't improved since we saw him last, Frances," laughed the Colonel, leading the way into the drawing-room.

      "No harm in looking at a pretty woman, you know. I'm a bachelor still, thank the Lord! That reminds me of a funny story I heard at the club."

      "Oh, we're rather frightened of your stories, William," said Mrs. Parsons.

      "Yes, you're very risky sometimes," assented the Colonel, good-humouredly shaking his head.

      Major Forsyth was anecdotal, as is only decent in an old bachelor, and he made a speciality of stories which he thought wicked, but which, as a matter of fact, would not have brought a blush to any cheek less innocent than that of Colonel Parsons.

      "There's no harm in a little spice," said Uncle William. "And you're a married woman, Frances."

      He told an absolutely pointless story of how a man had helped a young woman across the street, and seen her ankle in the process. He told it with immense gusto, laughing and repeating the point at least six times.

      "William, William!" laughed Colonel Parsons, heartily. "You should keep those things for the smoking-room."

      "What d'you think of it, Frances?" asked the gallant Major, still hugely enjoying the joke.

      Mrs. Parsons blushed a little, and for decency's sake prevented herself from smiling; she felt rather wicked.

      "I don't want to hear any more of your tales, William."

      "Ha, ha!" laughed Uncle William, "I knew you'd like it. And that one I told you in the fly, Richmond—you know, about the petticoat."

      "Sh-sh!" said the Colonel, smiling. "You can't tell that to a lady."

      "P'r'aps I'd better not. But it's a good story, though."

      They both laughed.

      "I think it's dreadful the things you men talk about as soon as you're alone," said Mrs. Parsons.

      The two God-fearing old soldiers laughed again, admitting their wickedness.

      "One must talk about something," said Uncle William. "And upon my word, I don't know anything better to talk about than the fair sex."

      Soon James appeared, and shook hands with his uncle.

      "You're looking younger than ever, Uncle William. You make me feel quite old."

      "Oh, I never age, bless you! Why, I was talking to my old friend, Lady Green, the other day—she was a Miss Lake, you know—and she said to me: 'Upon my word, Major Forsyth, you're wonderful. I believe you've found the secret of perpetual youth.' 'The fact is,' I said, 'I never let myself grow old. If you once give way to it, you're done.' 'How do you manage it?' she said. 'Madam,' I answered, 'it's the simplest thing in the world. I keep regular hours, and I wear flannel next to my skin.'"

      "Come, come, Uncle William," said James, with a smile. "You didn't mention your underlinen to a lady!"

      "Upon my word, I'm telling you exactly what I said."

      "You're very free in your conversation."

      "Well, you know, I find the women expect it from me. Of course, I never go beyond the line."

      Then Major Forsyth talked of the fashions, and of his clothes, of the scandal of the day, and the ancestry of the persons concerned, of the war.

      "You can say what you like," he remarked, "but my opinion is that Roberts is vastly overrated. I met at the club the other day a man whose first cousin has served under Roberts in India—his first cousin, mind you, so it's good authority—and this chap told me, in strict confidence, of course, that his first cousin had no opinion of Roberts. That's what a man says who has actually served under him."

      "It is certainly conclusive," said James. "I wonder your friend's first cousin didn't go to the War Office and protest against Bobs being sent out."

      "What's the good of going to the War Office? They're all corrupt and incompetent there. If I had my way, I'd make a clean sweep of them. Talking of red-tape, I'll just give you an instance. Now, this is a fact. It was told me by the brother-in-law of the uncle of the man it happened to."

      Major Forsyth told his story at great length, finishing up with the assertion that if the army wasn't going to the dogs, he didn't know what going to the dogs meant.

      James, meanwhile, catching the glances which passed between his mother and Colonel Parsons, understood that they were thinking of the great subject upon which Uncle William was to be consulted. Half scornfully he gave them their opportunity.

      "I'm going for a stroll," he said, "through Groombridge. I shan't be back till dinner-time."

      "How lucky!" remarked Colonel Parsons naively, when James had gone. "We wanted to talk with you privately, William. You're a man of the world."

      "I think there's not much that I don't know," replied the Major, shooting his linen.

      "Tell him, Frances."

      Mrs. Parsons, accustomed to the part of spokeswoman, gave her tale, interrupted now and again by a long whistle with which the Major signified his shrewdness, or by an energetic nod which meant that the difficulty was nothing to him.

      "You're quite right," he said at last; "one has to look upon these things from the point of view of the man of the world."

      "We knew you'd be able to help us," said Colonel Parsons.

      "Of course! I shall settle the whole thing in five minutes. You leave it to me."

      "I told you he would, Frances," cried the Colonel, with a happy smile. "You think that James ought to marry the girl, don't you?"

      "Certainly. Whatever his feelings are, he must act as a gentleman and an officer. Just you let me talk it over with him. He has great respect for all I say; I've noticed that already."

      Mrs. Parsons looked at her brother doubtfully.

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