My Words Were All I Had. William Sanchez

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СКАЧАТЬ do what she was about to do with me,” I argued. “What if I was her husband? What if?” His eyes were narrow the whole time. As if he understood another reason for my outburst. “I know you think it’s funny playing these games and all. But sometimes, Mike, when we think we’re playing games, we’re actually playing with lives. And sometimes, we might just be playing ourselves the whole time,” I finished saying. I felt a relief. My chest was as calm as still air after I spilled all this out. Mike sat down yapping with his hand like a puppet, giving me the sign that I’m just talking gibberish.

      “Who you think you talking to, man? I used to be your wingman at times. Should we reintroduce ourselves all over again? Because this is not you, bro,” he described. He didn’t speak another word after that, and started to drive off.

      I had no plans on apologizing, but I did feel I had to explain myself. “I don’t regret anything I’ve done. And I’m not saying I won’t date around while I’m here single. I just don’t feel the drive to be fast and crazy like we were ten years ago, bro!” I argued. He looked over at me and smirked. “What?” I yelled. “Go ahead…say it! What’s that look for?”

      His demeanor went as calm as someone who had just woken up in the morning. “I know what’s wrong with you,” he claimed.

      I was confused as to where he was going with this. “What do you mean? I questioned. “What’s wrong with me according to you?” I asked as I shook my head with sarcasm. I was upset at this point.

      He suddenly started to speed through traffic. “Matter of fact, let me just show you the problem,” he said, determined. Then he put the radio on and pretended that I wasn’t even there.

      After five minutes, I started noticing a particular route; these houses and streets seemed familiar. It made me anxious and bothered. Since I’m one who hates surprises. And with my flesh sizzling from my boiling blood, I was not in the mood for such a thing. I slapped the volume button of the radio to mute the station. “All right! That’s it, where you going with this?” I demanded of him to answer. He took one more turn, and there we were, behind the street that I once lived in, when I lived with Isabel. The only relationship I’d always regret. It was a very long street, but once we got to the actual house, he parked.

      “We accidentally drove by this old place of yours a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to say anything to you because I thought you were over her,” he continued. “You can’t be in love. I saw you happy it was over! But what I did notice, your whole mood as well as your thinking that day all changed after staring at that house, bro,” he described. He took a pause for a moment to observe my reaction. I sat still, not saying a word. “You’re like family to me. I just want to know if you are okay,” said Mike.

      And he was right, I had forgotten about Isabel. Or at least I thought I did. What I really did was block her out of my mind when I realized that I might have made a mistake leaving her. I refused to give myself the time to regret, the time to forgive myself, and most of all, the time to hurt and heal. I had gone on with my life dating women and having what I thought was some fun. Not expecting that this guilt was going to hit me at some point in the future. No matter how far I ran away from the feeling, I had to face it head on eventually.

      “Listen, Mike…every step forward leaves a footprint on the ground that must stay behind. I cannot go back. I can accept that and that’s fine!” I debated.

      “So what is it?” he wondered.

      I fixed myself in my seat, posing for comfort, and I started to go into detail on what I was feeling. “We had a fulfilling future to look forward to. I cut our growth in half by doing wrong by her side then leaving her, and now there’s someone else growing with her. A healthy family and I respect that,” I continued, recalling our past. “But when I last reflect on our past relationship, what bothers me is that I knew how and what parts that I could have fixed. But my ignorance at the time would not allow me to do the improvement. I wasn’t even romantic with her like I was with random girls,” I said.

      He started to wave his arms around while he quoted something I’ve said before. “You know the human body’s arms move many unique ways and all. But the arms on a clock only move in one direction…forward. I heard you say that once, Sebastian.”

      “I know, I remember. I’m not saying I miss her. I’m just saying I learned so much from losing her,” I confessed.

      I fix homes for a living, but how was I living with myself now after knowing I took my own home apart? As I looked over at the house, I could still hear the echo of the exact words Isabel said to me. In attempt to fix or break our relationship.

      “Sebastian, this is the third time you’d be leaving me!” she shouted. “Walk out that door again, and this will be the last time I ever go back with you.” Her eyes were bathing in tears that were just a drop away from spilling over. She stood in front of me drained of her energy. Like a still zombie, waiting for my response.

      And me confused if this was a decision I was willing to make. A woman’s patience with a man can grow thinner than skin, and I knew this time around she was sure of her decision.

      I was quiet for thirty seconds, but then I answered. “Okay that’s fine with me…I’m done. It’s over,” I said.

      The phrase was as cold as a sharp icicle. I could almost feel my words piercing through her chest as she sat down and buried her face in her palms. I have never heard her cry in such pain before. This image later in life had always crushed every part of my insides whenever I thought about it. I never felt good about what I did. She made a full payment with the value of her heart, when she bought the dreams that I had sold her.

      I was avoiding the guilt, but it never made it disappear over time, and I proved myself wrong for thinking so. What I also learned through this life teaching was to never put another woman through such an upsetting situation again. There was no guideline or manual on how to love when I recklessly entered the relationship. It’s not that I gave up, I gave out. I took the easy way out when I just left her. And being within the surroundings of the wrong influences was of no help either.

      To be aware that there exists a woman out there that can use her experience with me as a lesson. On who and what type of man to avoid. It’s not part of a story that I’m pleased that I played a role in.

      Mike interrupted my thinking, my remembering. “You had trust issues that you might have brought into the relationship, bro…”

      “I did. She just didn’t have the eyes to see the wall I had up that she kept running into,” I said.

      Mike rolled down the window and started staring at the house, along with me. “You know how hard it is for a woman to take back a man that had left her in the first place?” he asked.

      I had no answer as my body slumped while I just sat there. Feeling every bit of that question as it sunk in, slowly like a knife cutting through a cake.

      Mike exhaled while nodding to my demeanor. “I’m sorry you feel that way, bro,” he added.

      “Yeah, well. I don’t plan on using this regret as just weight on my shoulders. It should be more like the skates on my shoes to help me move different.” I then continued, “At the end of the day I know now to have a little more respect for women in general.”

      Mike looked at me confused, understanding something else. “So you’re single? And what now? You’re going to just wait around?” he questioned.

      “No, bro, just let me take things easy,” I aggressively СКАЧАТЬ