Hindsight: The Unraveling Effects of Addiction. Denise Williams

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СКАЧАТЬ saying, “This is wrong.” Still, I chose to remain silent. I regret it.

      Over the next few years, I’m ashamed to say, there were several underage drinking parties at my house. The first one was Ryan and Matt’s senior prom night. I overheard some of their friends talking about going to an after-prom party at another friend’s house in Bowie, Maryland (about thirty minutes away from our house). The child’s father was going to be out of town. No parents would be supervising the party. I was very upset and confronted Ryan and Matt about it. They didn’t deny anything but simply told me I couldn’t stop them from going. According to them, they were eighteen years old and could do whatever they wanted.

      Tim thought we should just let them have a small party at our house after prom instead. This way, they wouldn’t drink and drive, and we could supervise them. We would not supply any alcohol, but we’d provide a safe environment for them to have fun. The voice in my head was saying, “Oh my god, are you insane? We could go to jail if the kids bring alcohol!” Instead, I told them I’d think about it. After about two weeks of pressure from Tim, Ryan, and Matt, I gave in. I agreed to host an underage drinking party at my house.

      I set a few rules: (1) beer only, no hard liquor; (2) everyone was to remain at our house all night—I was going to collect all keys; (3) everyone had to eat and drink water if they were drinking beer. Thank God, no one got drunk, and everyone remained safe.

      As parents who agreed to host an underage drinking party at our house, we could have lost everything that night. Looking back now, I did lose a lot that night. Ryan and Matt viewed me as a pushover. All my kids had to do was join forces with their father, and I would cave to their demands. They were too young to have a father who was their buddy and a mother who was a pushover. Over the next couple of years, there continued to be parties at my house. I knew about some, but most happened when Tim and I were away at the beach.

      As time passed, Matt continued to drink heavily and use drugs. His drugs of choice were marijuana and cocaine. It was getting more and more out of hand. He came in all hours of the night (or morning) completely wasted and disruptive to everyone. We all agreed that it would be best if Matt moved out.

      Even though Ryan remained focused on his schoolwork and running, he was dabbling more and more in pot and drinking. This was going on mostly during college breaks and summer months. Katie soon started following in her brothers’ footsteps. I was seeing all this happen before me and kept asking why. All three of my kids hated when their father drank, which was all too often. Now all three of them were doing the one thing they disliked the most about their father. I saw them spiraling out of control and did nothing. Another regret.

      The next few years of our lives continued to spiral. Ryan got arrested for selling a small amount of pot. Matt used every last bit of his savings to buy cocaine. Katie continued to worry me but more for her choices in boyfriends than her partying.

      Matt

      I thought my life came to an end on January 17, 2007, when at 4:15 a.m., I received a phone call from the University of Maryland Medical Center at Shock Trauma. Matt had been in a car accident, and we needed to come quickly. They were preparing him for emergency surgery. He broke, chipped, dislocated, or crushed almost every bone in his left arm and hand. He broke a leg, cracked, and bruised his ribs and had minor lacerations all over his body. He also suffered a concussion. Matt’s toxin screen came back, showing he had high amounts of cocaine, pot, and alcohol in his system. We all knew Matt had a substance abuse problem, but none of us did anything to try to control it.

      Matt underwent seven operations and spent three to four days per week in physical therapy over the next two and a half years. His injuries prevented him from ever playing his beloved guitar ever again. Matt became very depressed.

      What happened over the next nine years made the previous four seem like child’s play. It was obvious that Matt, with his extensive injuries, surgeries, and therapy, would need pain medication. He was prescribed OxyContin and Percocet. Matt had never taken pills recreationally before. He actually had a hard time adjusting to them. During his first week home, it was not uncommon for him to vomit after taking his medications. He said he hated them but was in so much pain that he needed them. He initially took the prescribed amount of pills, but after about two months, he craved more and more. Matt started subsidizing them with illegally purchased OxyContin and Percocet.

      In August of that same year, Matt was hospitalized with seizures. His neurologist said that more than likely, he had suffered a seizure the morning of the car accident. I found out that Matt had been having blackouts and seizures for quite some time but hadn’t told me. The doctor said his seizures were triggered by smoking, drinking, and drug use.

      By the one year anniversary of the accident, Matt had a $100-per-day pill habit over what was being prescribed by his doctor and therapist. Matt started using heroin because it was cheaper and easier to get. No one in the family knew. He kept it a secret.

      Ryan

      As Ryan’s college years were coming to an end, he fell in love with a young lady. He also started using cocaine, Percocet, and drinking more and more. When the girl became pregnant, Ryan wanted to do the right thing and get married and buy a house. He started saving everything he made for a down payment. Because Ryan was abusing drugs and alcohol, he started selling on the side to afford his habit. He ended up finding a small home, something not too expensive, but it cost more than what they could afford. Ryan convinced his father to lend him a sizeable amount of money so they would qualify for a loan. Tim agreed. I spoke up and told him he should look for something cheaper, but I lost the battle. I wish I would have made my voice heard.

      When the baby was born, Ryan was a great hands-on father, but he continued to party excessively. Immediately, after moving in to his new home, he wanted everything in the place to be updated and improved. He applied and got approved to any credit card he could get his hands on. His fiancée lost her job, and their debt increased.

      His “dabbling” in drugs had reached a full-blown addiction. He was using drugs to hide from the realities in his life. He was drowning in debt and having serious relationship problems.

      Matt

      It was apparent to everyone that Matt was an opioid addict. Money, jewelry, electronics, and tools were all coming up missing from the house and from my husband’s business. We were finding needles and heroin bags; capsules and crack pipes; along with other household items, such as cotton balls, Q-tips, spoons, vinegar, cutup straws, foil, and Chore Boy steel wool in Matt’s room. These are all items an addict would use for drug paraphernalia.

      Katie called him out on several occasions and even attempted to do a drug intervention. I backed her up but was so damn clueless. I wasn’t much help. Ryan and Tim wanted nothing to do with an intervention. Tim did not believe that Matt was an addict. Ryan was barely talking to Matt because he was shooting heroin. Ryan thought Matt had crossed the line when he became an IV user. I always thought it was more because he had seen himself following in Matt’s footsteps. Ryan may not have crossed over that line, but he most certainly had one foot on the line. Matt was a mirror image of what Ryan was becoming.

      Tim and Katie’s relationship really became strained because of the suggested intervention. They never had that great of a relationship. They were so much alike and were always fighting and butting heads. But now the relationship was damaged.

      Matt was discharged from his doctor and therapist in the spring of 2009. I called the therapist and let her know that Matt was a full-blown heroin addict. At first, she was shocked and horrified. Then she got very defensive and said that she was sorry, but I needed to understand that without СКАЧАТЬ