William Wycherley [Four Plays]. William Wycherley

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      SCENE I.—A Room in Mrs. Crossbite's House.

      Enter Mrs. Joyner and Mrs. Crossbite.

      Mrs. Joyn. Good morrow, gossip.

      Mrs. Cros. Good morrow;—but why up so early, good gossip?

      Mrs. Joyn. My care and passionate concern for you and yours would not let me rest, in truly.

      Mrs. Cros. For me and mine?

      Mrs. Joyn. You know we have known one another long; I think it be some nine-and-thirty years since you were married.

      Mrs. Cros. Nine-and thirty years old, mistress! I'd have you to know, I am no far-born child; and if the register had not been burned in the last great fire, alas!—but my face needs no register sure; nine-and-thirty years old, said you?

      Mrs. Joyn. I said you had been so long married; but, indeed, you bear your years as well as any she in Pepper-alley.

      Mrs. Cros. Nine-and-thirty, mistress!

      Mrs. Joyn. This it is; a woman, now-a-days, had rather you should find her faulty with a man, I warrant you, than discover her age, I warrant you.

      Mrs. Cros. Marry, and 'tis the greatest secret far. Tell a miser he is rich, and a woman she is old—you will get no money of him, not kindness of her. To tell me I was nine-and-thirty—(I say no more) 'twas un-neighbourly done of you, mistress.

      Mrs. Joyn. My memory confesses my age, it seems, as much as my face; for I thought—

      Mrs. Cros. Pray talk nor think no more of any one's age; but say what brought you hither so early.

      Mrs. Joyn. How does my sweet god-daughter, poor wretch?

      Mrs. Cros. Well, very well.

      Mrs. Joyn. Ah, sweet creature! Alas! alas!—I am sorry for her.

      Mrs. Cros. Why, what has she done to deserve your sorrow, or my reprehension?

      Enter Lucy, and stands unseen at the door.

      Lucy. What, are they talking of me? [Aside.

      Mrs. Joyn. In short, she was seen going into the meeting-house of the wicked, otherwise called the playhouse, hand in hand with that vile fellow Dapperwit.

      Mrs. Cros. Mr. Dapperwit! let me tell you, if 'twere not for Master Dapperwit, we might have lived all this vacation upon green cheese, tripe, and ox cheek. If he had it, we should not want it; but, poor gentleman! it often goes hard with him—for he's a wit.

      Mrs. Joyn. So, then, you are the dog to be fed, while the house is broken up! I say, beware! The sweet bits you swallow will make your daughter's belly swell, mistress; and, after all your junkets, there will be a bone for you to pick, mistress.

      Mrs. Cros. Sure, Master Dapperwit is no such manner of man!

      Mrs. Joyn. He is a wit, you say; and what are wits, but contemners of matrons, seducers, or defamers of married women, and deflowerers of helpless virgins, even in the streets, upon the very bulks[36]; affronters of midnight magistracy, and breakers of windows? in a word—

      Mrs. Cros. But he is a little wit, a modest wit, and they do no such outrageous things as your great wits do.

      Mrs. Joyn. Nay, I dare say, he will not say himself he is a little wit if you ask him.

      Lucy. Nay, I cannot hear this with patience.—[Comes forward.] With your pardon, mother, you are as much mistaken as my godmother in Mr. Dapperwit; for he is as great a wit as any, and in what he speaks or writes as happy as any. I can assure you, he contemns all your tearing wits, in comparison of himself.

      Mrs. Joyn. Alas, poor young wretch! I cannot blame thee so much as thy mother, for thou art not thyself. His bewitching madrigals have charmed thee into some heathenish imp with a hard name.

      Lucy. Nymph, you mean, godmother.

      Mrs. Joyn. But you, gossip, know what's what. Yesterday, as I told you, a fine old alderman of the city, seeing your daughter in so ill hands as Dapperwit's, was zealously, and in pure charity, bent upon her redemption; and has sent me to tell you, he will take her into his care and relieve your necessities, if you think good.

      Mrs. Cros. Will he relieve all our necessities?

      Mrs. Joyn. All.

      Mrs. Cros. Mine, as well as my daughter's?

      Mrs. Joyn. Yes.

      Mrs. Cros. Well fare his heart!—D'ye hear, daughter, Mrs. Joyner has satisfied me clearly; Dapperwit is a vile fellow, and, in short, you must put an end to that scandalous familiarity between you.

      Lucy. Leave sweet Mr. Dapperwit!—oh furious ingratitude! Was he not the man that gave me my first Farrendon[37] gown, put me out of worsted stockings and handkerchiefs, taught me to dress, talk, and move well?

      Mrs. Cros. He has taught you to talk indeed; but, huswife, I will not have my pleasure disputed.

      Mrs. Joyn. Nay, indeed, you are too tart with her, poor sweet soul.

      Lucy. He taught me to rehearse, too—would have brought me into the playhouse, where I might have had as good luck as others: I might have had good clothes, plate, jewels, and things so well about me, that my neighbours, the little gentlemen's wives of fifteen hundred or two thousand pounds a year, should have retired into the country, sick with envy of my prosperity and greatness.

      Mrs. Joyn. If you follow your mother's counsel, you are like to enjoy all you talk of sooner than by Dapperwit's assistance:—a poor wretch that goes on tick for the paper he writes his lampoons on, and the very ale and coffee that inspire him, as they say.

      Mrs. Cros. I am credibly informed so, indeed, Madam Joyner.

      Mrs. Joyn. Well, I have discharged my conscience; good morrow to you both. [Exeunt severally.

      SCENE II.—Mrs. Crossbite's Dining-room.

      Enter Dapperwit and Ranger.

      Dap. This is the cabinet in which I hide my jewel; a small house, in an obscure, little, retired street, too.

      Ran. Vulgarly, an alley.

      Dap. Nay, I hide my mistress with as much care as a spark of the town does his money from his dun after a good hand at play; and nothing but you could have wrought upon me for a sight of her, let me perish.

      Ran. My obligation to you is great; do not lessen it by delays of the favour you promised.

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