200 Harley Street. Lynne Marshall

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СКАЧАТЬ hair, blue eyes. Staring at him with a look of expectation, a look of reciprocation of the feelings that were bubbling inside him.

      It was like a bucketful of ice chips tumbling over his body. The horrible, stomach-churning realisation that not once this evening—not once—had he given Bonnie a second thought.

      He stepped backwards, trying to put some distance between him and Lexi. Distance that had already formed in his mind a mile wide.

      For the last few years he’d thought about Bonnie every single day. Every single day.

      Whether it was first thing in the morning when he woke up, at some quiet time snatched in the middle of the day, or late at night when he was home alone, Bonnie had appeared in his thoughts every day. Sometimes the memories were good ones, happy thoughts of places they’d been, things they’d experienced together.

      Other times he was in Theatre when he relived those horrendous moments. Losing his precious wife and losing his twins in one fell swoop.

      Other times he was racked with guilt, replaying conversations when he’d persuaded her to give IVF one last go. To give that particular chance of having a family that way one last try.

      So many steps in his life that he wanted to rewind. Wanted to turn back the clock and do differently.

      But no matter what the thoughts, no matter whether the memories were good or bad, they had been there. Every single day. Until now.

      The guilt was horrendous. From the second he’d got up that morning he’d thought about Lexi, knowing that she was meeting him at Kate’s.

      He’d even thought about her at some points today during surgery. Unthinkable.

      The only time today he’d given Bonnie any thought had been the tiniest fleeting moment at the end of the interview when he’d walked out.

      But it had vanished in a flash when he’d realised his reaction had been over the top and his priority had been to apologise to Lexi. Not to sit down for a few seconds and wonder why he was so mixed up. Wonder why he was reacting in such an irrational way.

      Somewhere along the way an invisible line had been crossed without him even realising it. A line that he’d drawn in the sand years ago to protect himself from taking actions that could affect the life of another. The consequences were too big a cross to bear.

      Casual relationships were fine. But Lexi was no one’s casual relationship. And he’d known that from the second he’d seen her and realised the affect she had on him.

      Avoiding her had been a self-preservation technique—one he should have stuck to.

      ‘Iain? Iain, what’s wrong?’ Her voice was still breathy, panting, as if she was full of pent-up frustration. The last thing he needed right now. What he needed right now was space. Distance. As much as possible.

      ‘This was a mistake. A big mistake.’ With every word he stepped back a little further, as if it helped him say the words.

      A splash of rain landed on his nose and he looked upwards at the dark sky above him. Clouds were circling above his head in more ways than one.

      ‘I have to go. I’m sorry, Lexi. Let’s just leave it. Just leave it alone.’

      She started to shake her head. Utter confusion was painted across her face and his gut clenched at the fact he’d hurt her. It had never been his intention. Things had just got out of control.

      ‘But, Iain—’

      He whipped away as the rain started to deluge the pavement around him, his stride lengthening with every step.

      He didn’t care about the weather, he didn’t care about the rain.

      He just needed to get away from her. Get away from her intoxicating scent. Even as he walked down the street he could still smell her—smell her perfume on his clothes.

      He lifted his hand and something reflected under the orange streetlight. A strand of shiny blonde hair, glittering like a moonlit stream. She was everywhere.

      Not just in his head.

      Guilt ground away at him. He should be thinking of Bonnie and his lost children. He should be remembering the terrible impact he’d had on three lives, all because he’d persuaded his beautiful wife to give IVF one last try. She hadn’t been sure. The previous two attempts had been tougher than either of them had anticipated, and they’d almost resigned themselves to the fact that they wouldn’t have a family by a natural means.

      And he’d felt fine about that.

      So, why, why had he pushed for one last try? Even he couldn’t fathom out the details now. The decision seemed so ridiculous, so misguided. And that had been before the eventual outcome.

      Carrying two tiny white coffins next to his wife’s had been the end of Iain McKenzie.

      It had been the end of the light-hearted, laughter-filled man that he’d become thanks to Bonnie. She had always been the person to lift his sometimes dark moods. She’d always been the glass-half-full kind of girl.

      She’d been his shining light. And look what he’d done to her.

      ‘Beloved Wife. Beloved Son. Beloved Daughter.’

      The words etched in gold on the black granite, along with the three red poppies, were forever in the back of his mind.

      Maybe he’d been wrong to come to London. Maybe he should have stayed in Edinburgh, where he could have visited the grave every day?

      But the smoky strands of depression had been circling around his brain. Creeping up on him with their strangulating hands. His parents, his friends and his family had all urged him to go with Leo. They had told him it was for the best. They had told him he needed a fresh start.

      They hadn’t counted on Lexi Robbins.

      And, three years later, neither had he.

       CHAPTER SIX

      THE DEMONS WERE whispering in Lexi’s ear again. Those horrible little voices of self-doubt and self-deprecation.

      She’d fought hard to keep them at bay as it seemed as if there had been constant reinforcement of them in her life.

      First from her parents. Then from her boyfriend. The one who’d liked her name and standing instead of Lexi Robbins the person, Lexi Robbins, the human being.

      Jack Parker had spent most of his time mocking her bedroom performance and mocking her flat chest. It had taken her a long time to get the measure of him. And it had been at his insistence that she’d gone for the boob job.

      Her hands went automatically to her breasts. Automatically to the over-sensitised skin that Iain McKenzie had just been touching.

      The rain was pelting down, soaking straight through her thin raincoat and even thinner jersey dress. But Lexi didn’t care about the rain.

      She СКАЧАТЬ