Brave. Rose McGowan

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СКАЧАТЬ lovers of Christ, right? To this day, I’ve never eaten lamb again.

      I started to become angry. Angry at the injustices that were adding up. Angry at the rules that seemed, and were, so arbitrary. I decided the best course of action was to light it up. And so, one day my older brother decided to light a stable on fire. He was mad, too. I for sure wanted to be there for that, so I ran after him to help. We were in the barn when my brother pulled out a book of matches. He started lighting them and flicking them at the hay on the stone floor. Whoosh. The fire leaped up the side of the walls and onto the ceiling. The roof was thatched hay and started popping above us. I tried stamping out the flaming pieces with my feet, but I was too little and it was too late. I stamped and stamped, but I couldn’t put them out. If I had known how to say fuck, I am sure I would have. The roof crackled more and it was getting very hot. I knew we were in big, big trouble if we went outside and were caught by the adults. But everything was on fire.

      We chose to run.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you some hideous story of punishment for lighting it up, but I really can’t remember. I do remember the terror of being found out. It made me feel like my skin was about to fall off with fear. The movie scene of this would be:

      A sturdy blond boy and an elfin girl are hiding from their father. Suddenly four hands grab them by the shirt collars, dragging them off. Turning down a path in a maze, the children are paraded past a gauntlet of leering cult members. The members drag the children to the Judge of All. The Judge of All is on a throne made of soft wood. There are young nude women, heavy breasted and round bottomed, on their knees, gazing up adoringly and reverentially at the dynamically dangerous leader. The leader tilts his head back, eyes shut. He’s being worshipped. He’s in heaven on earth. The women work oils and lotions into the leader’s skin, their hands using a feathering touch as they go, chanting with intention. The leader, the Judge of All, opens his eyes and points at the boy and girl. The shaming begins.

Sounds like a Hollywood film, right? Maybe it’s not too far off. In fact, my life as a performer began there in the cult. We were made to go out in groups to sing at local orphanages and hospitals, or on the streets, to perform. Singing Jesus songs on the streets of Rome with a hat in front of me, street busking. After the coins would stack up in the hat, a hand would come over my shoulder to take all the coins I’d earned. They let me carry the empty hat. Gee, thanks. It was my work that was bringing the money in and I was pissed at the injustice of having to give it up. I’d see regular families with the kids walking around with gelatos and candy and I’d wonder about their lives at home. Did they have a bed? We had plastic mats and I got cold at night. The girls wore pretty dresses; I had faded brown overalls and Jesus sandals. My hands and feet would get dirty and I’d try to hide them when other, cleaner children looked at me. For hours we would stand and sing those damned songs, under hot sun, in the rain, it didn’t matter. I was five or so. My little legs would get so sore from standing, but I knew I couldn’t sit or there’d be trouble.

      We had to return with money or else there would be sanctions and punishments against our family. I could feel the stress of the adult members as the “Systemites” (that’s what they called people outside the cult) turned away and ignored us and the pamphlets we were selling. Little incoming money equals not much food. Not surprisingly, there was often hunger. Our food was rationed. If we returned with not enough money, the rationed food was given to another family as punishment. If potential new members or press were coming to visit, they’d put us kids on a white rice, milk, and sugar diet to fatten us up. We’d stuff ourselves with it until we gagged, but I loved it because at least there was something to keep me full. Plus, sugar, which I loved.

      Sometimes the local press would be invited to come and cover our good deeds: “To see what great work we’re doing in the Children of God community, join us.” See, we’re not a bunch of freaky hippies, what kind of freak could sing a Jesus song this well?

I was sent to entertain sick children in hospitals. I remember thinking: Kid, if this is your last day on earth, I’m really sorry that we’re forcing you to listen to little me singing about Jesus. I don’t want to be here, either. I apologize.

      But even though it was awkward performing in hospitals—and this may sound weird—I always knew I was going to be famous, even before I understood what fame was. It was kind of a foregone conclusion. I don’t know how to explain it.

      At some point in my childhood I remember being taken to see a film. It had a great impact on me. I don’t know what it was called. It was Italian. The lead actress had short raven hair and was a nurse. She wore a crisp white uniform and a little white hat. She was in a phone booth, crying and screaming at her married doctor lover, who was throwing her aside. She took the back of her hand and smeared her lipstick across her face. She ripped her shirt open, popping its buttons. Her chest exposed, she took lipstick out of her purse and drew all over her breasts like a wild woman. I was captivated. It was fabulous. I wanted her lipstick and her hair. I finally got to see some glamour in my young life and I knew it was for me. My feelings of being in the wrong life intensified.

At some point my father found a Brownie, a vintage camera, so the few photos that exist from my childhood look like they’re super old and are largely black and white. I watched my father as he captured objects and people with the camera. Then I got to play with it myself. I learned to see things through a frame. Looking through that crappy lens, I felt as if I could see more and that everything I looked at told a story. Soon I was nearly always outside of myself, watching and filming and documenting everything that was going on, taking note of everything: smells, sounds, tastes, situations, people. Only now can I see that this was early disassociation to deal with trauma. Looking through a lens has been a coping mechanism I have employed throughout my life. It had a silver lining: my falling in love with photography and cameras. But more than that, it gave me a way of putting something between me and the world, and a different way of looking at it. Every detail as seen through a lens. Because it’s not really happening if I’m once removed, right?

      I also used books as an escape. Words were my solace and my saviors when I was small and have remained so to this day. Words, different lives, different centuries, that was how I survived.

      Books also furthered my training for being an actor because I took on the persona of whichever character I was reading. It could be a serf, it could be a queen. I would mimic the posture, everything about that character, while I was reading his or her story. When I finished a book, I went into mourning for that character because it was a death. I took books very seriously. But not the Children of God books. I could not understand how anyone could believe them. Those Mo Letters were just so . . . well, stupid. It’s so hard to understand how so many have fallen for it.

Meanwhile, the beliefs and practices of Children of God started getting more and more dangerous. Moses David, our leader, made the young women members do this thing called “flirty fishing.” He sent them out—and these were little more than girls, really—to seduce men at bars or cafés. The men would wake up in the cult. Moses David christened the girls “Hookers for Jesus.” Hookers for Jesus? Fuck you, Moses David, you piece of shit. Fuck you for all the pain you caused. At the end of the day, it was all about male dominance, and using sex as a weapon for mind control. Beautiful women were major targets, not unlike what I would later see in Hollywood. And, like in Hollywood, there were women who helped Moses David do bad things to others.

      The cult was a highly sexualized environment, run by men, to benefit men. My father loved it, I could tell. I remember standing in a corner, watching my father preach, as he sat on a thronelike rattan chair. Women—girls—were on their knees staring up at him with dreamy expressions. Women literally worshipped at his feet. I remember looking at the women on their knees. Then my father on his throne. I’ll never be like those women, I thought. Never. It grossed me out. Looking back, it was the time of my father’s life when he was at his most radiant. Abuse of power was inevitable, and he certainly abused his position.

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