The It Girl: Don't Tell the Bridesmaid. Katy Birchall

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ me after. Now you have your phone back there’s no excuse.

      J x

      *

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Jess. It’s me. Anna. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t stop to consider the family of weirdos I was born into and the disaster zone into which Connor is about to step. You have to HELP. How do I cancel the dinner?! ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Jess, pick up, this is an emergency. Oh Lord, I just remembered when Mum and Marianne had just met and Mum told her a story about how she befriended a bushpig in Malawi. WHAT IF SHE TELLS CONNOR THE STORY ABOUT BEFRIENDING A BUSHPIG? Would you date someone whose mother told you a story about befriending a bushpig? Exactly. It’s all over.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Plan A has failed. Dad didn’t buy the story I told him about there being a panther on the loose, escaped from London Zoo, and we should all stay inside for our own safety. Turns out London Zoo doesn’t even HAVE panthers. I’ll have to come up with a Plan B. What kind of zoo doesn’t have panthers? Stupid zoo.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Plan B failed. And now my arms are covered in ketchup for no good reason. Dad is yelling at me to clean up otherwise we’re going to be late. Well, the dinner is going ahead. Connor has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I’ll call you later when I no longer have a boyfriend and my life is over.

       Hello! It’s Anna here. Leave a message. OK, bye!

      *BEEP*

      Just got all your messages. What on EARTH was Plan B?

      *

      ‘Anna,’ my mum chuckled over her salmon, ‘I think when people ask what you’re most looking forward to on a trip to beautiful Roma, you shouldn’t lead with “getting away from all the stupid London pigeons”.’

      ‘They’re getting out of control. It’s like they’re plotting, the way they strut around the place,’ I argued, letting Marianne steal a chip from my plate. ‘When there’s a pigeon on the throne, don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

      ‘They are truly a threat to national security,’ Connor nodded, throwing me a disarming smile. ‘Thank goodness Helena knows the prime minister personally.’

      ‘Well, yes. You know, he has a wicked sense of humour, although you wouldn’t have guessed it from the ties he wears. Anyway, I think it’s just fabulous that you get to go on such a trip,’ Helena enthused. ‘You’ll come back for the wedding completely refreshed.’

      ‘And such a place! Ah Roma,’ Mum sighed.

      ‘What happened in Roma ?’ Marianne asked eagerly as Mum got this dazed look on her face.

      ‘Oh, you know.’ She picked up her glass, swirled its contents and slowly leaned back in her chair as though she were Gandalf about to tell the hobbits of her great adventure. ‘I met Alberto there.’

      ‘Mum,’ I groaned, looking at her pleadingly. ‘Please don’t say anything too weird.’

      ‘He was a handsome poet and he played a ukulele,’ she sighed, causing Marianne to giggle and me to put my head in my hands. ‘I became his muse.’

      ‘Oh, Rebecca, how wonderful!’ Helena swooned.

      Connor and my dad shared a glance and looked distinctly awkward. I slid further down in my chair and became very focused on my glass of water.

      ‘Such a shame that you can’t go, Connor,’ Mum said, tilting her head sympathetically. ‘It really is a very romantic city. You and Anna could have shared some moments under the stars and –’

      I choked on the ice in my drink and began to splutter. Marianne knocked me on the back.

      ‘Thanks,’ I wheezed before turning to give Mum a pointed look. ‘Anyway, enough about Rome. Let’s talk about Connor’s comic book.’

      ‘So you’re going to be working on it for the whole summer?’ Marianne asked.

      ‘Looks like it.’ He nodded enthusiastically. ‘It’s sad to miss out on stuff like Rome, but I have to get on with it. And –’ he turned to smile at me – ‘I can spend time with Anna when she gets back.’

      ‘I’m sure she’ll have plenty of adventures to tell you about!’ Helena said. ‘Plenty of fun and getting into trouble!’

      ‘No, no,’ I replied in my most sophisticated and grown-up voice. ‘I will be following all the rules and lying low, drawing no attention to myself whatsoever. The itinerary looks fascinating.’

      ‘Ow!’ I looked at Marianne accusingly who had for some reason just kicked me in the ankle.

      Helena raised her eyebrows in surprise. ‘Well, I hope you’re not intending on following all the rules.’

      ‘Actually, Helena, I think Anna should absolutely do so,’ Dad said sternly, prompting Mum to snort and Helena to shake her head at him in disappointment.

      ‘Well, if you’re going to insist on following rules,’ Helena said authoritatively, rolling up the sleeves of her kimono, ‘let them at least be good ones.’

      Helena Montaine’s top five rules for making the most of a new city:

      1. Don’t be afraid to say ‘yes’ to new things, such as local delicacies and traditions.

      ‘I don’t think I’d have had half as much fun on that film set in Dubai if I’d said no to riding that ridiculous creature, the camel. At first I didn’t have the slightest interest, but I very much bonded with Ibil in the end. When he stopped spitting, of course.’

      2. Speak to the locals.

      ‘This is an absolute necessity when visiting a new place because they will be able to point you in the direction of the cleanest lavatory facilities in the area. Indispensable knowledge.’

      3. Make sure that you visit at least one historic landmark early on in the trip so you can get a photo of yourself next to it.

      ‘Then if you just happen to wander into a luxurious spa and end up staying there for a few days, no one can accuse you of missing out on the terribly important culture of wherever you are because you have photographic evidence.’

      4. Be sure to learn at least one essential phrase that you will be using often in the local language of where you are holidaying.

СКАЧАТЬ