Barry Loser and the trouble with pets. Jim Smith

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ cried Bunky as I walked into Mogden School Hall nine trillion hours later.

      Coloured lights were flashing round the edge of the room and music

       was blaring out of two ginormous speakers. Balloons bounced around

       on the dance floor and a black box hanging off the ceiling pumped purple clouds of smoke into the air.

      17

      In the corner of the hall, standing behind a table, was Mrs Dongle the school secretary.

      ‘This is DJ Dongles coming at ya on the ones and twos!’ she warbled into a microphone.

      Then she pressed a button on her music player and the Future Ratboy theme tune started playing through the speakers.

      18

      Future Ratboy, in case you didn’t know, is my all-time favourite TV show. It’s all about this kid who gets zapped to the future and transformed into a half boy,

       half rat, half TV.

      ‘Future Ratkeels!’ I cried, sticking

       my hand out in front of me like

       I was holding a dog lead, and I jiggled towards Bunky, my bum wagging like it had a tail.

      19

      ‘What in the name of unkeelness are you doing, Barry?’ laughed Nancy Verkenwerken, who was standing next to Bunky.

      ‘It’s the Doggy Walk Wiggle!’ I said, skidding to a stop next to them both.

      Nancy chuckled. ‘How’s the badgering going?’ she asked. I’d told her all about me badgering my mum for a sausage dog, of keelse.

      20

      ‘Hasn’t worked yet unfortukeely,’ I said, my nose drooping.

      Bunky patted me on the shoulder and grabbed a Cherry Fronkle from a pyramid of cans that’d been stacked up on a table.

      ‘Have a Fronkle instead,’ he said, like he’d bought it for me.

      21

      Just then, Anton Mildew marched past, doing his world famous robot dance. ‘MUST. DESTROY. ALL. BALLOONS,’ he bleeped, and Nancy chuckled.

      I cracked my can of Fronkle open and took a sip. ‘Fancy a boogie, Bazza?’ said a familikeels voice.

      22

      I twizzled round and spotted Sharonella Sharalumbus from my class, standing three millimetres away

      from the end of my nose. Next to her was her friend Fay Snoggles.

      ‘NO WAY!’ I spluttered, Fronkle spraying all over her and Fay’s shoes.

      Sharonella fluttered her eyelashes

      at me. ‘Lemme know if you change your mind,’ she said, dancing off, and I shuddered like a dog who’s just finished a wee.

      23

      After that I jiggled around on the dance floor, doing the Doggy Walk Wiggle with Bunky and Nancy for about nineteen hours. Then all of a non-sudden the song we were dancing to stopped.

      24

      Mrs Dongle tapped the microphone with one of her shiny red nails. ‘And now something for all you lovers out there!’ boomed her voice through the speakers.

      ‘Yuck, did you hear that?’ I said, pretending to puke all over Bunky and Nancy’s trainers. ‘DJ Dongles just called us lovers!’

      25

      Mrs Dongle pressed a button and a Frankie Teacup song started to warble out of the speakers.

      Frankie Teacup is my dad’s favourite singer, in case you didn’t know.

       He’s so old he

       isn’t even alive

       anymore.

      26

      ‘Ooh, Banana Moon - that’s my gran’s favourite!’ squawked Sharonella, and she twizzled round on the spot, looking for someone to have a smoochy jiggle with.

      I stepped backwards a millimetre, remembering how she’d fluttered her eyelashes at me earlier. ‘Let’s get the keelness out of here,’ I cried, grabbing Bunky and Nancy and zooming off the dance floor.

      27

      ‘Hide!’ I whispered, zig-zagging over to

       the huge triangle of Cherry Fronkle

       cans, which by the way was right

       next to the emergency exit.

      ‘Hey!’ shouted Bunky, skidding to

       a stop. ‘I was enjoying that song.’

       He looked back at the dance floor

       where Anton was still doing his

       loserish robot dance.

      ‘What are you, crazy?’ I said, ducking

       behind the cans. ‘You wanna end up

       dancing with a GIRL?’

      28

      ‘Or even worse - a BOY!’ said Nancy, pretending to puke all over my trainers.

      Gordon Smugly, who’s the smuggest, ugliest person in our class, wandered up to us.

      ‘It’s dangerous out there,’ he said, plucking a salt and vinegar crisp out of a ginormous bowl and slotting it into his annoying mouth. ‘I had to get off the dance floor before Sharonella pounced on me.’

      29

      ‘Oh please,’ said Nancy. ‘Even Shazza’s not that desperate.’

      Stuart Shmendrix, who’s sort of like Gordon’s sidekick, trundled over all sweatily. ‘Phew, that was close,’ he said, grabbing a Cherry Fronkle. ‘Did you see the way Fay Snoggles was staring at my bum?’

      30

      ‘Listen to you losers!’ chuckled Bunky. ‘What are you afraid of?’ And he bopped back on to the dance floor.

      ‘Be careful, Bunky!’ I cried, but it was too late, he was gone.

      31

      Stuart cracked his Fronkle open and me, him, Nancy and Gordon watched all loserishly as Bunky waggled his legs around on the dance floor.

      Sharonella and Fay were circling him like cats about to pounce on a very stupid, bum-wiggling mouse.

      32

СКАЧАТЬ