Someday. David Levithan

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      “Have you heard from Steve or Stephanie?” Alexander asks. Safer ground.

      “Yes. The war continues. Nobody wants to pick a side, so we didn’t invite either of them. It’s weird, but Rebecca says that’s the only way to do it, when we’re all together.”

      “Makes sense,” Alexander says, even though he’s only met Steve and Stephanie once, and they spent most of the time pulling each other aside to fight.

      “Couples are weird,” I say.

      He smiles at that. “Yeah, they are. Single people, too.”

      I can’t be mad at him for long. But I don’t think that’s enough to call it love.

      Will has built a fire to make his backyard warm enough for a picnic. We sit on a blanket covered with too much food. Will says, “Peel me a grape!” to Preston, and as Will, Rebecca, Ben, and Alexander laugh, Preston does exactly that. Then he holds the sad grape skin in one hand and the gelatinous pulp in the other hand and asks which part, exactly, Will was wanting. Will says, “Really, it’s just that I’ve always wanted a boy who’d peel a grape for me. Thank you.”

      “Peel me a blueberry!” Rebecca commands Ben.

      “No,” he says. “That’s messy.”

      Rebecca is leaning on Ben. Will plays a little with Preston’s hair. Alexander offers me more tea from the thermos, and I shake my head. I am surrounded by my best friends. I am sitting next to a boyfriend who treats me well. We are gathered around an afternoon campfire, its warmth creating a comfortable space in the wide air. I should be happy. But instead I feel like I am standing outside my own happiness. When I was with A, I was inside it. I could touch it freely, could recognize it. But now I have no idea how to get to it. I have no idea what it really is.

      I don’t understand how it’s possible to know you have a good life, but still be missing out on it. I don’t understand why I won’t let myself give in to what I have. It’s good. What I have is good.

      “Anything you’d like peeled?” Alexander asks me.

      I shiver.

      He doesn’t say, “What?” But it’s there in the way he’s looking at me. The way Rebecca, who knows me even better, is looking at me.

      “It’s nothing,” I tell Alexander, tell them all. “I just thought about how freaked out I would get when my dad would say keep your eyes peeled when I was a kid—I thought that meant there was a way your eyelids could be peeled like a banana.”

      “That always freaked me out, too!” Preston says. “Or—oh God—when people say bless you when you sneeze? I know it’s polite. But when I was a kid, I was like, WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT A SNEEZE THAT YOU NEED TO BLESS ME?!? I mean, if you skin your knee and are bleeding all over, no one says bless you. If you puke up your guts, no one says bless you. So I couldn’t help but wonder how a sneeze was, like, worse. ”

      The rest of them start talking about other things that freaked them out as kids. I eat strawberries and leave the tops in a circle on my plate. I don’t think any of my friends notice that I’m not really there.

      Not until we’re cleaning up. Not until Rebecca holds back and waits until everyone else is inside to ask me if something’s wrong.

      “I’m fine,” I say. “Everything’s fine.”

      She gives me a level glance. “Any time you have to say that twice, it’s at least half-untrue. Is there something wrong with you and Alexander?”

      I shake my head. “Nothing wrong. It’s just that . . . it isn’t okay if there are some days that aren’t wrong but aren’t really right, either? He hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m the one who isn’t feeling right. Do you know what I mean?”

      “All too well. There are days when I look at Ben and think, Why am I even bothering—we’re only going to break up when we go to college. I think my time could be better used elsewhere. Like, learning Russian. Or watching every BBC mystery that I can find on Netflix. But then he does something stupid and endearing like texting me to see how my day went, and I’m like, Oh yeah. That’s why I do this. ” She hands me some plates to take back to the kitchen. “Look—with Justin, you were always so desperate for him to love you that you never really got to experience what it’s like when the two of you are balanced. It’s different when you’re balanced. Let yourself get used to it instead of assuming you know how it works.”

      This is typical Rebecca: a little bit wise, a little bit condescending. What I want to ask her—what I can’t ask her—is if it always feels like you’re pretending, if part of being in a relationship is feeling like you are going through the motions of being in a relationship. Will and Preston have been together for about the same amount of time that Alexander and I have been together, and they seem to be genuinely happy and genuinely in love.

      But I guess neither of them is wondering about someone else.

      “Come on,” Rebecca says. “Let’s go inside. You don’t need to commit to forever, or even to tomorrow. But commit to right now. We all want you to be here.”

      She’s right. When I get back into the kitchen, Preston gives me a hug and Will turns the music up a little louder and asks me to dance, even though his signature dance move is the pogo. Alexander pours me some pink lemonade. Ben asks Rebecca to dance and she swats him away. The night begins, and goes on. I manage to step into my happiness. But I am always looking back, checking where I came from.

       Comment from M:

      None of you understand.

       Comment from PurpleCrayon12:

      Why do you say that? (I don’t ask this to dispute what you’re saying. I want to know why you feel we don’t understand.)

       Comment from M:

      I don’t belong in this body. I have nothing to do with this body. I am trapped in this body. I exist separate from this body. But I can’t die, because I am afraid I will take this body with me.

       Comment from PurpleCrayon12:

      There are times I wish I could separate from my body.

       Comment from M:

      The fact that you can say that shows how little you understand.

       Comment from PurpleCrayon12:

      You don’t know anything about me.

       Comment from M:

      This is pointless.

       Comment from Someone:

      I understand.

X

      It is easy to find the boy, because he has not moved. His life does not change.

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