Midnight and Mistletoe at Cedarwood Lodge. Rebecca Raisin

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СКАЧАТЬ in the same situation? Probably retreat too. Isn’t that what I had done when things got too hard with my mom? Packed a suitcase and headed to New York, and didn’t look back until I was forced to.

      But I couldn’t help think that whether Kai was related to them by blood or by love, did it really matter in the long run? Love was love, right?

      “You should call them, Kai. They’re probably heartsick over it all too, you know. I don’t think it matters much what you say. Just call them, for their sake, if not your own.”

      What I was picturing was my own mom, sitting at the table on Christmas Day for the last few years, missing her absent daughter. Guilt roiled inside me that I’d left her alone so long. I had left for good reason and stayed away for self-preservation, but that didn’t change the fact that I should’ve reached out sooner. While our relationship hadn’t been normal in any sense of the word, I knew she wouldn’t ever ask for help even if she desperately needed it, and I’d simply packed up and left without so much as a backward glance. Maybe I could stop Kai doing the same thing; he shouldn’t have to live with the regret, or wishing things had turned out differently.

      As it stood I wasn’t even sure if my mom would hug me and wish me a merry Christmas today. Her moods went up and down like a yoyo, and I was never certain how she would be. Sure, things had been getting better, but would she even look me in the eye and really see me?

      Kai had dream parents, ones who’d cheered him on at his surf comps and football games, then later supported him through university, all with one goal in mind – a successful future for him. He’d told me all about them and it was hard to think they’d want anything for him but the best. Yeah, they should have probably told him he was adopted earlier – but they kept silent out of fear they’d lose him, and now they had.

      He rubbed at his face. “I know. And I don’t want to hurt them. Really, I don’t. My silence isn’t some kind of revenge. It’s more that I’m lost about how to be, what to say. They’ll hear it in my voice. I just can’t believe I had birth parents I won’t ever get to meet. I won’t be able to see if I have the same color eyes as my dad, the same smile as my mom… you know? I am angry, and I can’t help it. I keep hoping that it’ll subside and then we can move on. But it hasn’t. What if it never does?” His voice was low and anguished and I wished I knew the right thing to say.

      Houses crowded closer together the nearer we got to the town; twinkling Christmas lights flashed behind lace curtains, tinsel was strung across neat hedges, and wreaths blew sideways on front doors. Every house looked like a fully decorated gingerbread house, only on a real-life scale.

      “I understand all of that, Kai, I think I’d feel the same. But I think the only way forward is to deal with it now, otherwise you’re just sweeping it under the carpet, and you of all people know how toxic that is.”

      Using Kai’s philosophy on himself seemed fitting. He was a big believer in letting out negative emotions, and concentrating on the positive, through breathing exercises, yoga and meditation. While I teased him relentlessly about his surfer yogi guru prowess, it really had made a difference to me, no matter how crazy doing the lotus position at midnight might have looked to an outsider. And I think he probably needed to practice what he preached, for his own sanity.

      “You make it sound so easy, Clio. But how do I articulate to them how I really feel without letting my anger creep in? I know they’re hurt too. What if I make it worse? Wouldn’t it be easier to just keep silent until I work it all out?”

      I considered it. Who was I to advise him anyway? I still hadn’t mended things with Mom and I was walking into Christmas keeping a secret from her. But for some inexplicable reason, I felt calling them was the right thing for Kai to do. “I don’t know them Kai, but I’d hazard a guess they’d prefer you yelling down the phone line than silence. At least that would be progress.” I shrugged, hoping I wasn’t wrong. “The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to bridge that gap. It doesn’t have to be all sunshine and butterflies. Just be honest, say how you feel, and go from there.”

      He nodded, his jaw tight. Kai wouldn’t yell at them, he wasn’t the yelling type, but his hesitation said a lot about the black cloud hovering over him. “Maybe,” he finally said.

      I gave his arm a reassuring pat, feeling like a fraud – I could dole out advice easily, but when it came to my own life I kept bottled up tight too, not sure which way to go with my own mom.

      Sensing a subject change was in order, I said, “I hope you’re hungry. Aunt Bessie has been talking up her festive donut tower, and says we’re not allowed to leave until it’s all been eaten, because…”

      “They’re artisan donuts,” he finished, and we burst out laughing. Aunt Bessie took her donuts seriously and Christmas Day was no different. I expected it wouldn’t be long before we fell into some sort of sugar coma with the amount of eating that was expected at any soirée at Aunt Bessie’s. For a moment I almost regretted the second helping I’d had at breakfast, but who would ever wish away a single forkful of Cruz’s sinfully delicious berry nice Christmas pastry tree?

      “If I eat any more I’ll explode,” Kai said with a grimace.

      “Me too,” I laughed. “Damn Cruz for making such a huge delicious breakfast. Let’s just hope Aunt Bessie is running behind schedule.” I turned on the radio and as we drove down the last few streets Kai and I sang tunelessly along to Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. When I surreptitiously glanced sideways at him I noticed he was grinning – our conversation hadn’t been forgotten, but at least he didn’t seem to be burdened by it.

      In Aunt Bessie’s driveway, I shut off the engine. A gasp escaped when I caught sight of her house. “Golly,” I said. “It’s got to be the most decorated on the block!” Aunt Bessie never did do anything by halves! It was the most fabulously festive cottage – which said a lot as competition in Evergreen was fierce. There was a sleigh complete with reindeer on her roof, and even Santa’s legs visible – as if he was heading down the chimney to deliver presents. The look was completed with thousands of twinkling fairy lights, and I’d bet money that the enormous wreath on her door was a musical one. I peeked at Kai, who wore an expression of surprise – maybe they didn’t decorate quite as fantastically where Kai came from?

      “Aunt Bessie really likes Christmas…” I said as I climbed out the car.

      He winked at me across the back seat as he started to gather presents. “Ah, I had been wondering where you got your love of excess from.”

      “So I like buying gifts?” I said with a flick of my hair, and laughed as he pretended to teeter under the weight of his pile.

      I loved Christmas, and gift buying even more so … I couldn’t help but put things away all year round when I found perfect presents for those I loved. Which would have been fine, except I kept forgetting what I’d bought, and ended up with more than I had intended. Though it was fun to exclaim over them, and remember what store I’d found them in, and what I’d been doing at the time.

      When we reached the porch I leaned over to press the doorbell and tamped down giggles as Jingle Bells rang out.

      “Come in, come in,” Aunt Bessie trilled from inside the house, before throwing the door open. She wore a bright green Christmas sweater, her hair curled and make-up immaculately applied… if not a touch heavily, as was her way.

      “Don’t you look fabulously festive?” I said, hugging her with one arm as I grasped the wine.

      She СКАЧАТЬ