Stella, Get Your Man. Nancy Bartholomew

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СКАЧАТЬ zone out on I–95. Sometimes I wondered how Spike, the seeming counterculture opposite to Nina, had ever fallen in love with such an oddball.

      Spike was the only one of us who seemed unperturbed by a 4:00 a.m. wake-up call to the emergency room. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a simple, conservative ponytail. Her jeans were Tommy Hilfiger, dark denim, and very much unwrinkled. Her turtleneck sweater was unblemished beige, and matched her skin tone and flawless complexion. She wore stiletto heels, even at this hour, when it was all I could do to balance myself in sneakers. But that was Spike, performance artist and former D.A. With her, nothing was truly as it seemed. She was like a tiny Christmas present in a huge, well-wrapped box.

      Of course, Lloyd wasn’t allowed in despite my aunt’s protests that he was really my uncle Benny reincarnated. He was, after all, an Australian sheepdog. My dog. Instead, Lloyd was relegated to Aunt Lucy’s ancient Buick, where he sat behind the wheel, with one paw on the gearshift, waiting for updates. Nina had tried to smuggle him in to no avail, and I could tell she wasn’t going to let the issue die an easy death.

      As if reading my thoughts, Nina got up and decided to revisit the issue with the powers that watched over the emergency room. She walked across the room, shoulders squared, head held high. Spike watched, following Nina’s progress with a benevolent smile.

      “The Western world so discriminates against Eastern philosophy,” Nina told the security guard at the E.R. entrance. “I mean, like, in China, Border collies would be a part of the family. They wouldn’t have to wait in cars.”

      “Yeah, but that’s on account of the family don’t want nobody eating their backup stash,” the guard said. “Here we just say leave the animals outside where they belong.”

      “You are such a bigot!” Nina sputtered.

      That was when Aunt Lucy decided to get into the fray. “You are talking about my husband, sir,” she snapped. “And I do not appreciate your attitude! Benito should be with Jake.”

      The security guard wasn’t sure what to do with this turn of events. He took the cigar stump out of his mouth and stared, slack-jawed, at my aunt.

      “Excuse me?” he said.

      Nina stepped in between the two. “My uncle died a few months ago. Aunt Lucy says the dog is him, reincarnated.” She glared at the guard. “And who’s to say he isn’t?” she finished, daring the man to disagree.

      The security guard cocked his head to one side. “Is this uncle related to the patient?” he asked.

      “No,” Aunt Lucy answered. “But we look out for each other.”

      The guard gave her a patronizing smile. “Well, then,” he said, “if he ain’t family, he ain’t coming in anyway, so he can park his canine butt in the lot like all the other dogs!”

      That’s when Spike took over dragging the two women inside while I took a detour back into Jake’s examining room. I was family on account of I’d told the admitting clerk that I was Jake’s wife. I figured they might get sticky on the policies and procedures, so I took care of the red tape early on.

      After all, Jake had been unconscious. It was up to me to ensure his safety and overall well-being. We were partners now and even if I had mixed feelings about the guy in real life, it wouldn’t do to act that way when the chips were down. It just wouldn’t be professional. Actually, I was about to lose my mind worrying about him. I was having a great deal of trouble stuffing my feelings back into a neat little box. I couldn’t stand thinking he might be critically wounded.

      “Relax,” the resident told me. “It’s just a flesh wound with a lot of blood loss. The bullet went clean through his side. Other than a couple of little scars, he should be fine. Just give him a few days’ rest and go easy on the, um, physical activities.”

      It must’ve been the late hour. I stared at the doctor, not comprehending what he was trying to tell me.

      “He means no sex for a couple of days, honey,” Jake said, leering at me from the exam table. “He doesn’t want you wearing your old husband out and possibly busting something open.” Jake chuckled. “Like I told you, Doc, she’s a feisty one, that wife of mine!”

      The young doctor had the decency to blush, but Jake merely looked pleased with himself.

      “I was only looking out for your best interests, Jake!”

      “Don’t worry, baby,” Jake said. “I won’t let you get too frustrated.”

      I crossed the room to the stretcher, bent down close to Jake’s ear and whispered. “You just wait until I get you out of here, then we’ll see who gets frustrated. You’re lucky I don’t rip those stitches out here and now, sport.”

      Jake moaned and the doctor worked to conceal a smirk. I turned around just as he reached to hand me Jake’s discharge instructions.

      “It’s really not at all like it seems,” I said. “He’s been like this since high school. See, I turned him down and he just hasn’t gotten over the shock. And by the way, we’re not really married. I just said that so the guard dogs out there would let me in. We work together.”

      The doctor smirked harder. “Sure,” he said. “Happens all the time.” He stepped closer and peered into my eyes. “Were you injured at all? I mean, like a blow on the head maybe?”

      I spun around just in time to see Jake behind me, making circular motions around his ear and then motioning to me, trying to indicate that I was the crazy one and the doc should humor me.

      “Listen here, you,” I told Jake. “Don’t try me, buddy. It’s never too late to be seriously wounded.”

      Jake laughed.

      The doctor turned back to me. “I want you to close your eyes, then stand on one foot and touch your nose with the tip of your left index finger.”

      “Oh, bite me!” I said. “Are you coming, Jake?”

      “Not yet,” he said, grinning. “I’m running a little slow. Maybe if you talk dirty…”

      “It’s probably the pain-medication talking,” the doctor said, still peering intently into my eyes. “Now, I really would like to check you out.”

      “Wouldn’t we all?” Jake leered.

      The doctor handed me a bottle of pills. “Give these to him every four hours, as needed.”

      I gripped the bottle and looked back at my new victim. “Hear that, big boy? I’m to give these to you for pain, so I’d suggest you behave.”

      I turned and glowered at the doctor who was approaching me with a blood-pressure cuff. “Back off, Shorty. I told you, I’m fine!”

      The doctor blanched and practically ran from the room. I watched the door swing shut behind him and turned my attention back to Jake Carpenter. I was about to take him to task for everything, from leaving me at the altar my senior year of high school to making my life a living hell, but we were interrupted before I could launch my lecture.

      “How you talk, Stella! I could hear every word you said to that nice doctor. What a disgrace. And then, to turn on this one when he is wounded and half out СКАЧАТЬ