Valentine's Day. Nicola Marsh

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СКАЧАТЬ nice men.’

      ‘They try too hard.’

      ‘Doing this is hard. For a lot of people coming to one of these things is either last resort or a kind of admission of failure. That you can’t be cultured and interesting without help.’

      His eyes narrowed. ‘Is that how you feel?’

      She studied him, wondering if she could trust him. She would have told Zander off a month ago, no problem. But corporate Zander wasn’t anywhere near as approachable. Then again, the Year of Georgia was all about taking risks.

      ‘I’m smart, I have a good job, excellent work ethic, property. I’m passable-looking. So what’s wrong with me?’

      Zander opened his mouth but she barrelled onwards. ‘Maybe he would have liked me more if I was sportier, wittier, prettier. Maybe there’s a whole range of things that other women out there can do that I can’t.’

      ‘This is about Daniel?’

      ‘No. Daniel is Everyman, he’s just a symbol. But he was a man so like me I thought we were a perfect fit, so to not even be good enough for him...’

      ‘I thought you were doing this for you. The Year of Georgia.’

      She glared at him. ‘First—as you’ve so carefully pointed out—I’m doing this for you. Because your contract says I have to. But right behind that is me. And part of me is wondering why I’m not more popular with men. Or with other women. Why I don’t have more friends. Or a family yet. Or a better job. Or why my life isn’t like other people’s.’

      He shook his head. ‘What do you imagine happens in other people’s lives that’s so special and different?’

      ‘I don’t know. Cool stuff. Busy, interesting, challenging stuff?’

      ‘That’s just dressing. Most people’s lives are exactly the same underneath. The same worries about finances, their careers, the same family dramas. Only the outer coating changes.’

      ‘What about you—rich, popular, respected, in demand, powerful? You can do whatever you want and go wherever you want whenever you want. That’s not the same as everyone else.’

      He stopped again and faced her. ‘I haven’t had a holiday in five years because the network believes the station will collapse if I walk away from it for a moment. I have a big, expensive house that someone else decorated and I can go weeks without even going into rooms that aren’t my bedroom, bathroom, and study. I have parents who live in a perpetual state of warfare. That power you covet means people either shy away from me or suck up to me. So my life is riddled with its own hassles but I don’t dwell on it and I certainly don’t voice it. I just get on with it.’

      Such a confession, after weeks of standoffish Zander, struck her deep. Was that really how he felt about his life? Maybe the trappings of success and popularity really were just that.

      ‘Are you saying I should just suck it up?’ And shut up.

      Maybe that was exactly what she needed to hear? Perhaps her self-reflection was just self-indulgence in disguise.

      ‘I’m saying all the classes in the world aren’t going to make your life better, because life isn’t something you apply like make-up. It’s something you grow and tend. Like a garden.’

      Her present life would make a pretty straggly, restricted garden. But a life filled with makeovers and clubbing and movie premieres wasn’t all that brilliant, either, unless you happened to discover a new passion. They were just flashy statues amongst the weeds.

      She blinked. Thought. Smiled. ‘That’s kind of profound. We should have recorded that.’

      ‘I have my moments.’

      ‘So am I wasting my time?’ Because she certainly hadn’t discovered a hidden passion for anything they’d done so far.

      ‘Not if they’re things you’ve always wanted to do.’

      They weren’t, really. They were things she thought she should do. Things EROS’ listeners might like. Things that she felt Zander might have expected her to do.

      ‘How locked in is the schedule?’

      He squinted one eye. ‘Some of them are all booked and paid, some transferable. Why?’

      ‘I think I need to tweak them. To be more...me.’

      He smiled. ‘OK. Just talk to Casey.’

      Just like that? How strange that she felt so uncomfortable asking for what she wanted. When it was so straightforward.

      They walked on.

      ‘So, how come you don’t fix your life, then?’ Her words came out as mist on the cool air. ‘Make changes? If you believe so much in the garden of life.’

      He shrugged. ‘Not everyone wants a garden. Or the hassle of tending it. Sometimes a single focus is just easier.’

      His work. Of course. ‘But you love running. Your weekends are always full. That’s at least a small garden bed, surely.’

      ‘I don’t do it because I’m passionate about it.’

      ‘Why then?’

      ‘For the silence.’

      Hours and hours of silence as his machine of a body put foot in front of foot. ‘Just you and the voices in your head, huh?’

      He smiled. ‘Right. That’s all the company I need.’

      Suddenly she felt very self-conscious to be standing here taking up his silence. Although she suspected he’d only be working anyway. Fortunately, a tube entrance loomed.

      ‘Well, I guess I should—’

      ‘I have a garden,’ he blurted. ‘An actual one, I mean.’

      She figured that the big house in Hampstead Heath came with a big plot of land. ‘OK.’

      ‘I’d like you to see it.’

      ‘Why?’

      He paused before answering. ‘Because it’s lovely. It should be appreciated.’

      The man who didn’t even use the rooms in his house? She couldn’t picture him getting out in the garden. But maybe this whole contract arrangement had some kind of implied reciprocity that she hadn’t considered.

      Or maybe this was some kind of peace overture. If it was, she’d take it.

      ‘Sure. I’d like to see it.’

      ‘Maybe you can give me some tips on what to do with it.’

      ‘I’m not a landscaper—’

      ‘I’m not looking for shape, I’m looking for soul.’ Surprise flooded his face, as if he’d never СКАЧАТЬ