Welcome to Mills & Boon. Jennifer Rae

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СКАЧАТЬ anything more than a convenience, from this day forward.

      It was all over for them now. It had to be.

      * * *

      Helena stared at him, horrified. How could this be the same man she’d shared this bed with the night before? Or even the man she’d worshipped at fourteen for his kind understanding? This Flynn was someone she barely recognised. ‘You’re right. You don’t know me at all.’ No more than she knew him, apparently.

      ‘On the contrary, I believe I’ve finally got a glimpse of the real you.’ Flynn’s mouth twisted in a cruel sneer. ‘And the sight sickens me.’

      He didn’t know, Helena told herself. He didn’t know the truth of what had happened to her that night. But he wouldn’t listen either. Just like her father never had.

      She couldn’t forgive him for that.

      ‘Trust me, the feeling is mutual.’

      ‘What did you expect, Helena?’ Flynn threw his arms wide, the injured party, hurt and wounded at her hand. And he was, she knew. She should have told him the truth from the start, let him make his own choice with all the information. But things had moved so fast, and she couldn’t bear the thought of losing him so soon after he’d finally become hers. She’d wanted them to build a relationship that could survive the truth.

      Great job, Helena.

      ‘Did you think you could keep it a secret forever?’ Flynn asked. ‘Or at least make me fall so in love with you that it wouldn’t matter what horrific things you’d done in your past?’

      She felt the colour rise in her cheeks, warm and humiliating. That was, of course, exactly what she’d thought. Or hoped, at least.

      She should have known better. People didn’t ever really forgive, not when it mattered. Even taking her sister’s place and marrying Flynn hadn’t been enough for their father to forgive either of them. Why should Flynn be any different?

      ‘I thought you’d respect me enough to listen to me when I told you. To hear my reasons and try to understand.’

      ‘You want me to listen? I’ll listen. Tell me, Helena. How did it feel to give away your own child to a total stranger? Did you feel bad for a whole day, or just until your daddy gave you your credit card back so you could go shoe shopping?’

      He didn’t have a clue. Didn’t know her or care for her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt, even.

      ‘It’s all black and white to you, isn’t it?’ she said, staring at the man she’d thought she loved. ‘On-plan or off-schedule. Right or wrong. Us and them. It doesn’t occur to you that people might have reasons or beliefs or feelings different to yours, does it? You can’t imagine any scenario in which I might have done the right thing.’

      ‘The right thing? How can giving away a child ever be the right thing?’ Flynn stood gripping the frame at the foot of the bed, his arms stretched out to the sides as he loomed over her. Helena swallowed, her mouth dry as the image of him there, so much stronger and more powerful than her, took her back to another awful day. The worst of her life from the day her mother died until now.

      Two other men, barely more than boys, that same look in their eyes. The look that told her she didn’t matter to them, that what she wanted, the decisions she made, didn’t matter at all. She meant nothing.

      She had put herself there in that room with them. She’d made her choice and now she would pay for it.

      ‘You can’t tell me you thought you were giving her a better life,’ Flynn went on, and Helena flinched at just the accusation in his voice. ‘You come from one of the richest families in the country. You could have given that child everything it ever needed and you chose not to.’

      ‘No.’ It wasn’t loud, but Helena put every bit of feeling she had behind the word. ‘No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t give her what she needed most.’

      ‘And what was that?’ Flynn asked, a bitter mocking tone in his voice.

      ‘Love.’ She looked up and met his eyes then, took every glimmer of hatred and disgust he had to give. ‘I couldn’t have loved her the way she needed, the way she deserved. And so I agreed when they told me I had to give her away.’

      ‘You couldn’t...’ Flynn shook his head in disbelief. ‘You really are a piece of work, aren’t you? Have you honestly convinced yourself that you did what was best for that child?’

      ‘You tell me.’ Helena got up from the bed. She needed to be equal with him for this, couldn’t let him glare down at her any more. He still had almost a foot of height on her, but at least she didn’t feel quite so helpless. She fisted her hands at her hips and stared him down. ‘You grew up in a family like mine—our families were practically one and the same for years. You tell me, how did it feel to grow up there without being wanted or loved? Because if it felt anything like my childhood did after my mother died, you wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’

      For a moment he looked stunned, and she wondered if this was her opportunity. Her one chance to make him truly understand what had happened that night and how it had changed her. How knowing it was all her own fault had only made everything that followed a thousand times harder.

      Could she make him understand the depths of despair she’d hit? How it had felt as if her soul had been torn apart the moment she’d realised she could never look at or think of her own child without remembering the night that she had been conceived? Without feeling that same pain over and over again?

      But then his expression changed and the repulsion in his eyes grew greater than ever.

      ‘If that’s truly how you feel, Helena, perhaps you should ask yourself something. How are you any different from your father or, worse, mine? And what kind of monster can’t love their own child?’

      Monster.

      The word hit her in the gut and she wrapped her arms around herself as she doubled over, as if he’d hit her with bullets not insults. He was right. He didn’t understand and he wouldn’t listen, but he was still right.

      But if he thought she could ever forgive herself for the decisions she’d made, then he hadn’t got a clue about her.

      ‘Do you think I don’t live with that knowledge every day?’ she asked. ‘Why do you think I held out against the agreement? I know you want kids and I know I can’t have them. We could have adopted, perhaps, but the thought of carrying another child...I couldn’t do it. Even for you.’

      ‘Do you think I’d want you to, now? Do you think I can even imagine touching you?’ Revulsion shadowed his face. ‘You say you live with it every day. Well, so will I, now. Because you talked me into marrying you, into sleeping with you, and now we’re stuck with each other.’

      ‘You want a divorce?’ Helena asked. ‘I’ll give you one, and gladly. We can both be free. You can find another way to find that legitimacy you crave. Except there isn’t one, is there? You’ve run out of Morrison sisters now. It’s me and my sordid past or nothing at all. Entirely up to you.’

      Hatred burned from Flynn’s eyes, and Helena realised that they could be making each other unhappy for the rest of their lives. That knowing how happy they could have СКАЧАТЬ