You and Your New Baby. Anna McGrail

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      For some parents, the surprise is how much they take to parenthood, as Rachel happily remembers: ‘The one thing that I wasn’t prepared for is how lovely it would be. And I didn’t realise how happy I would be. People just don’t tell you that. When you’re a mother, you don’t find yourself saying to other mothers, “Isn’t this wonderful?” You find yourself saying, “Are Pampers or Boots nappies better?” So I didn’t know how absolutely wonderful it would be. There is a negative side, because I also didn’t realise how much my life … well, how unselfish you have to become. You always have to put the baby before yourself. You stop doing things you enjoy doing because the baby comes first. But I enjoy feeling that she depends upon me. It makes me feel very special.’

      Amanda likes parenthood too: ‘People always seem glad to see you when you’ve got a baby. When you’re out shopping, people come over and talk to you and can be really friendly. I enjoy the days, just me and the baby.’

      OTHER PARENTS will be surprised at how unhappy they suddenly feel, often for reasons they cannot quite articulate.

      Beverley had a difficult delivery, forceps, 23-hour labour, pethidine: ‘It was really awful, and that did make a difference to how I felt afterwards, without a doubt. At least for the first, I should think the first four weeks, although I wouldn’t have been considered clinically depressed, I was suffering from some sort of depression, shock, whatever. I just couldn’t relate to Josh at all. People would say, “Oh, isn’t he lovely? Doesn’t he look great!” And I’d think, “Well, no.” It wasn’t until he was about four weeks old that I wanted to spend any time cuddling him, and then I did start to feel better. Also, because it was a traumatic birth, he was quite a whingey baby, and I didn’t really like him. I kept wanting to put him down. I think my husband got very depressed around that time as well. He used to say, “I don’t feel the way I thought I’d feel about Josh.” And I’d say, “Neither do I.” It was quite weird, and really horrible.’

      DIFFERENT PEOPLE will tell you different stories about parenthood, but only you can know how you really feel: ‘People kept saying to me when she was tiny, “Oh, make the most of it, this is the best time.” And I thought it was the most dreadful time of my life. I thought, “If this is the best time, how am I going to cope when things get worse?” Then I met someone else who felt the same way, and her baby was slightly older, and she said to me: “This isn’t the lovely time, this is the horrible time. Things do get better.” And that was such a relief. Not everyone thinks it’s good, that very early bit, though you get so wrapped up in it.’

      Baby blues

      BABY BLUES do seem fairly universal. That is to say, they have been suffered by women in all cultures and all times when their baby is very tiny – usually around three or four days after delivery, when hormone levels drop and milk production kicks in. They are often linked with a sense of physical and emotional anticlimax after the birth. Nurses will often dismiss your tears with the label ‘three-day blues’, which is of no help when you can’t stop crying.

      This is something Helen tried to explain: ‘The day Jo and I came out of hospital was very exciting. I was so glad to be home, and so pleased to sleep in my own bed again. But the next morning my breasts were enormous and solid, Jo was fretful, and everything just seemed to fall apart. I started crying and crying and didn’t really know why. I felt odd but I didn’t feel sad. The tears just came out of nowhere.’

      THE FACT that these blues are so common, and always happen at around the same time, leads many experts to think that one of their causes is hormonal, though this explanation may not be much comfort.

      ‘I was sobbing and sobbing, though if someone had asked me why I’d have been hard pushed to tell them, and the nurse said, “Oh, a lot of you go through this – you’ll feel better tomorrow, believe me,” and that just made it worse. I thought, “How do you know?” I felt so unhappy, I couldn’t see myself ever smiling again. It all just seemed so pointless.’

      Baby blues, whatever their cause, are usually all over by Day 10 at the latest. Few women find that this unusual sadness persists for longer. If it happens to you, it will help if not only you but your partner and perhaps other members of your family are prepared for the possibility. That way people will be able to reassure you that everything will be all right again, and with their reassurance and support, and patience, it soon will.

      Helen has an extra remedy of her own, however: ‘I was so sad, so sad and Kieron was flapping about not knowing what to do, so partly to get him away from me because I wanted to be able to cry in peace, I’d say, “Oh, I could just eat a Marks & Spencer prawn sandwich”, and off he’d pop to Hammersmith to bring one back. And then he ran me a bath, and then he took Jo for a long walk … And none of it made the slightest difference at the time. It only lasted a couple of days, this weepiness, but it seemed eternal, and then it was gone, without me even noticing. But a long time afterwards I thought: what loving things to do. Everything Kieron could do, he did. And whenever I was feeling down with the baby, that thought would help.’

      Puerperal psychosis

      WITHOUT WANTING to alarm people, it didn’t seem fair to write a book about becoming a family and not mention this acute illness. Puerperal psychosis is an illness completely different in kind to the usual ‘baby blues’. It is different to ordinary depression, too. Puerperal psychosis is an illness that makes its sufferers feel totally alienated from reality, as Denise explains: ‘I was overjoyed when my baby girl was born … and the joy and excitement of those first few days did not wear off Instead, I became more and more elated. For someone who is generally reserved, this was a change in personality. This powerful feeling of joy was one I had never felt before – nor have I since ever felt so happy. I literally could not stop talking – I felt that I had so much I wanted to say, so much to do, that I СКАЧАТЬ