Dance Like Everybody’s Watching!. Nick Miller

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      NAME GUNNERSAURUS REX

      TEAM ARSENAL

      SPORT FOOTBALL

      YEARS ACTIVE 1994–PRESENT

      STYLE BIG, GREEN, GOOFY, AND A DINOSAUR THAT INEXPLICABLY LIVES IN NORTH LONDON

      FAMOUS FOR IMPECCABLY OBSERVING MINUTE’S SILENCES

      It’s easy to make fun of Gunnersaurus. Broadly because, well, it’s easy to make fun of him. He’s a giant green dinosaur that’s the mascot for a team in a very urban area of north London, with wide, vacant eyes and a big stupid grin. He has a long neck on which he seems to wear a choker with an Arsenal badge, which makes him seem a bit like a 14-year-old girl in around 1999. He looks like Barney’s long-lost cousin who was exiled from the family after clumsily knocking over a vase one too many times. Very little about him makes sense.

      But there’s a very sweet story behind Gunnersaurus. The club ran a competition to design their mascot back in 1994 and it was won by 11-year-old Peter Lovell, who at the time thought up the dinosaur idea because he a) was obsessed with Jurassic Park and b) thought it represented ‘the ferocity and power of Arsenal Football Club’. Stop laughing at the back there. Anyway, 20 years later Peter got married, and who should make an appearance at his wedding but Gunnersaurus himself, bringing gifts from the club including a letter from then manager Arsène Wenger.

      Gunnersaurus is undoubtedly the most well-known mascot in football, so by that measure he’s obviously been a huge success. And he really is the best representative of mascots in the game, in that he’s inherently absolutely ridiculous, something most clearly displayed when he solemnly observes minute’s silences along with the Arsenal players.

      Clive Mason/Getty Images

      NAME POE

      TEAM BALTIMORE RAVENS

      SPORT AMERICAN FOOTBALL

      YEARS ACTIVE 1998–PRESENT

      STYLE A WINNING COMBINATION OF CUDDLY, CHILD-FRIENDLY AND MURDEROUS

      FAMOUS FOR BEING NAMED AFTER A DARK 19TH-CENTURY WRITER

      The Baltimore Ravens must have been in a bit of a bind when coming up with their mascot. It could hardly be anything other than a raven: the whole endeavour would have been a laughing stock if they’d gone off-piste and picked a lion or an otter or something. The problem being that ravens are inherently sinister creatures, associated more with lurking in the roofs of abandoned houses than being cuddly and loveable, which isn’t exactly the vibe you want from a character designed to entertain children.

      The team is named after Baltimore resident Edgar Allan Poe’s poem ‘The Raven’, and in turn a couple of years after the team was established they unveiled not one but three mascots, all ravens, named Edgar, Allan and Poe. This merely added to Poe’s sinisterness, however, as in 2008 the other two were ‘retired’, which makes it sound very much like they were ‘retired’ by a ruthless sibling. But not to worry: they were replaced by two actual, live ravens, named ‘Rise’ and ‘Conquer’, which naturally made the trio much less terrifying.

      Let’s not dance around this one. At some point – it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow or the day after – the chances are that Poe will kill us all in our sleep, while his sidekicks Rise and Conquer keep watch. We all must make our peace with this.

      Larry French/Getty Images

      NAME SAMMY THE SHRIMP

      TEAM SOUTHEND UNITED

      SPORT FOOTBALL

      YEARS ACTIVE c.1980–PRESENT

      STYLE BLISSED-OUT SEAFOOD ON THE ENGLISH COAST

      FAMOUS FOR GETTING INVOLVED IN A TEAM INJURY CRISIS

      They had a bit of a rethink about the Sammy the Shrimp costume recently. Just as well, really. Whichever way you sliced it, however generously you thought of it, no matter how pure you thought their intentions, it was difficult to look at the old Sammy with his tall, pointy head and see anything but a pink Ku Klux Klan hood. It was not, to say the least, the best look.

      Now Sammy’s bonce has been rounded a little more, and he looks normal. Well, not normal: he’s a giant shrimp who dances around the football pitch in a town near the seaside in the south of England. There’s not much normal about that. It’s also pretty funny that they replaced Sammy’s previously quite human-looking hands with some more shrimpy pincers. You know, for realism’s sake.

      Sammy has been an integral part of the Southend family for some time, but he took things to another level in 2018 when he – or at least the man inside the shrimp costume – became involved in an injury crisis, joining ten players in the treatment room after damaging a disc in his back. Don’t worry, though. He got treatment from the club physiotherapist and was back in action shortly afterwards.

      Daniel Hambury/EMPICS Sport/PA Images

      NAME WALLY

      TEAM BOSTON RED SOX

      SPORT BASEBALL

      YEARS ACTIVE 1997–PRESENT

      STYLE FRIEND TO THE CHILDREN, ENEMY TO THE GRUMPY NATIVES

      FAMOUS FOR SUPPOSEDLY LIVING INSIDE THE LEFT-FIELD WALL AT FENWAY PARK

      Boston sports fans have a reputation for being … how to put this … salty. No nonsense. Bad tempered, even. So you can imagine the reception when, on opening day of the 1997 season, a 6ft-tall green cuddly toy emerged onto the field at Fenway Park to throw the ceremonial first pitch.

      Fenway is famous for the giant wall in left field, latterly known as the ‘Green Monster’. So you can imagine the brainstorming meeting the Red Sox bods had when trying to come up with a concept for their new family-friendly, cuddly mascot. ‘So you’re saying we have a WALL, called the GREEN MONSTER СКАЧАТЬ