488 Rules for Life. Kitty Flanagan

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      A word about wellness

       Wellness advocates and experts all claim they can improve your quality of life, whether it’s by not eating sugar or by drawing toxins out of your body with hot cups and candles or by rubbing your face with dung because that’s what some tribe did 5000 years ago in a tiny part of outer Mongolia. But sometimes I think we can get distracted by all the hype and forget to look at the bigger picture.

       I was backstage at a corporate event once and witnessed a well-known anti-sugar crusader nibbling the dark chocolate coating off a single almond. She was scraping it off in tiny bits with her front teeth. It took her about twenty minutes. She noticed me staring (it was hard to look away, she was gnawing at that thing like a rat on a cable) and confessed that she allowed herself a minuscule amount of dark chocolate every day as her little reward. I told her quite smugly that I didn’t allow myself any dark chocolate whatsoever. I didn’t say that it was because dark chocolate is a punishment disguised as confectionery, rather I just enjoyed pretending I took my health more seriously than she did.

       I know she looks better than me and I know she’ll live longer than me, but my point about looking at the bigger picture is that I’m not sure I want to live longer if the only ‘treat’ I’m allowed is one dark chocolate nut per day. Especially if I have to eat it hunched over in a corner like an obsessive-compulsive squirrel.

       And for the record, I don’t want to drink bone broth for breakfast or rub my face with dung either. I guess I just don’t care enough about my own wellness — which is not a word, by the way — and you can read more about that in Language Rules.

       INSPIRATION AND ADVICE

      26

       Cushions are not spiritual advisors

      The current trend for putting trite advice on soft furnishings has to stop. No one has ever read Live, Love, Laugh on a pillow or Dream, Relax, Feel on a wall hanging and thought, Oh what an excellent idea, I’ve not lived, loved or laughed in ages. Well, that all changes right now, thank you, cushion!

      In fact, more often than not, I find these clichéd bon mots have the opposite effect and actually inspire rage and the desire to punch something, usually a cushion with the hateful Keep Calm and Carry On printed on it.

      27

       Never tell someone to ‘just imagine the audience naked’

      This is one of the dumbest things you can ever say to a person who is about to do a bit of public speaking. There would be nothing more distracting than looking around a room and imagining what everyone looks like in the nude. How are you supposed to remember your speech when you’re envisaging a room full of lumpy naked people?

      28

       Don’t offer up clichés as advice

      No one who has just been dumped wants to hear, ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea.’ It means nothing. If you must trot out this hoary old chestnut, then at least try to make it more accurate. ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea … but there are also a lot of bottom feeders and unpleasant smelly creatures that won’t be to your taste at all, plus a few nasty aggressive types with big sharp teeth, so maybe the ocean’s not the best place to go looking for a new partner.’

      29

       ‘It is what it is’ actually means ‘please stop talking’

      When someone says, ‘It is what it is’, they are not being wise and philosophical, rather they are sick of listening to you and are trying to wrap up the conversation.

      30

       Life is not a sport so you don’t need a coach

      When life coaches first hit the scene, which I think was back in the nineties, it seemed like they were some kind of southern Californian joke that would go away faster than the trend for walking with ski stocks or using a PalmPilot organiser.

      Life coaches, however, have not gone away, they have proliferated. And what has become apparent over the years is that, oftentimes, life coaches are people who have failed at other professions. So really the only advice a life coach should be doling out is: ‘If you want to turn your life around and become successful, you should become a life coach. Because then you can get paid to tell someone else how to turn their life around and become successful … by becoming a life coach.’

      Come to think of it, maybe that’s exactly what they are doing and maybe that’s why there are so many life coaches out there.

       SMOKING

      31

       If you smoke, you smell

      All the time. And that’s okay, as long as you are aware of it. Sucking a mint only makes you smell like a smoker who has just sucked a mint. And washing your hands makes you smell like a smoker СКАЧАТЬ