The Loner. Josephine Cox

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      Struggling with her, he managed to sit her up. ‘Where are you hurt, Mam?’ His voice trembled with fear.

      Composed now, she smiled resignedly. ‘I’m not hurt. Give me a minute to get my breath.’ She chucked him under the chin. ‘He can go if he wants to. You can make your mammy a cup of tea and the two of us will talk until the sun comes up – what d’you say to that, eh?’ She didn’t tell him how her back felt as though it was broken in two, nor that her arm had bent beneath her at a comical angle, and the pain was excruciating. She felt strange. Drunk, yes. But there was something else, a frightening thing, as though all the life and fight had gone out of her in an instant.

      Horrified, and riddled with guilt, Don ran down the stairs two at a time. ‘For God’s sake, Rita, are you mad?’ He stretched out his arms to help her. ‘What possessed you to start a fight at the top of the stairs like that? You could have been killed!’

      Seeing her like that, he couldn’t think straight. He loved her, hated her, needed to stay yet had to leave. The look on young Davie’s face tore at his heart. Where did it all go wrong? Was it after Davie was born? Maybe she couldn’t cope when money was tight and he found it difficult to get a job? Was the badness always in her? Or did he somehow cause it? But how could he blame himself? What did he do that was so wrong? And could he really stay here now and keep his sanity? Did he still love her enough?

      ‘We don’t need you!’ Her spiteful voice pierced his thoughts. ‘You bugger off!’ She waved him away, angry with him, angry with herself. ‘Go, if you like, and don’t come back. Me and Davie can do well enough without you.’

      For a long moment he looked at her, at the dark, lifeless hair that long ago shone like wet coal, and the eyes that were once alive and smiling but were now dull and empty. He recalled the years of happiness they had shared. But then he thought of the many times he had given in and gone another round and each time it ended in arguments. This time had been the worst, when her own father had lashed out and sent her hurtling down the stairs.

      It was no good. He knew that their lives together were over and, though it was a wicked shame and he would have done anything for it not to be so, it was time to realise that they had no future together.

      ‘I thought I told you to bugger off!’ She kicked out at him, gritting her teeth at the pain that shot through her.

      ‘All right, Rita.’ The sigh came from his boots. ‘But I’m taking the boy with me.’ He knew if he left Davie with her, their son would only be taking on a thankless responsibility, one, which even he himself could no longer cope.

      ‘I’m not coming with you! I’m staying with Mam!’ The boy looked up, his eyes hard and accusing. ‘If you won’t take care of her, I will’

      ‘No, son. She’ll only break your heart. Whatever you do, and however often you beg her to give up her bad ways, she’ll never change.’

      ‘She will!’ Tears stained his young face – angry, hopeless tears that tore his father’s heart wide open.

      Don shook his head. ‘You’re wrong, son. She’ll carry on the same way, with the men, and the booze…and she’ll make all kinds of excuses. She’ll tell you lies until you start to believe them. She’ll shame you, make you lose all your friends, until in the end you can’t hold your head up. She’ll make you feel life isn’t worth living.’

      ‘NO!’ Seeking reassurance, Davie turned to his mammy. ‘You won’t, will you? You won’t tell me lies and make me ashamed?’

      She shook her head. ‘No, son, I won’t do that to you.’ God forgive me, she thought. I should let him go – let them both go – and leave me to suffer the consequences. But she was weak, and frightened, and she couldn’t bear to relinquish her child.

      ‘And you won’t go with all the men, will you, Mam?’

      ‘No, son, I won’t do that ever again.’ False promises and lies! Too many lies, too often, until now she didn’t know any other way.

      For a while, the household settled to an uncomfortable calm. Davie helped his mammy into the sitting room where she slumped into a chair.

      The sound of Don moving to and fro, packing his case in the bedroom overhead, could be heard. There was a buzzing behind Rita’s eyes and her whole body was trembling; Davie sat holding her hand.

      About a quarter of an hour after he had disappeared upstairs, Don came downstairs, carrying his case. Setting it down in the doorway, he paused to ask one more time: ‘Can you change your ways, Rita? Can you be the woman you once were?’

      Some last crazy impulse made her taunt him: ‘For my son, yes. But not for you.’

      He did not reply, but merely nodded. It was confirmation to him that the wife he knew was long ago lost to him. Looking at his son, he said quietly, ‘I’ll make us a good life, Davie. I want you to come with me. Will you do that for your daddy – will you?’

      The boy shook his head stubbornly. Torn two ways, he knew that every word his father said about his mam was the truth. He knew how often she had lied; he sensed she was lying to him now. But still he couldn’t bring himself to leave her.

      ‘I have to stay here.’ His head told him one thing; his heart another. And being a child who had not yet learned the way of life, he gave the only answer he could. ‘Mam needs me.’

      The man looked from the boy to the woman, and back again at the boy, who had a man’s heart, and he felt an overwhelming sense of pride. His sorry eyes went across to his father-in-law who had come downstairs and was now hunched at the table looking as though the end of the world had come.

      That was what Rita did, Don thought. She had sucked the life out of everyone here, and it was never her who paid the price. It seemed to give her some sort of twisted satisfaction. Well, as far as he was concerned, the spell that had held him captive for so long was well and truly broken.

      ‘Don’t blame yourself, Dad,’ he told the old man. ‘Don’t let her destroy you! Joseph, do you hear what I’m saying?’ He waited for the old man to look at him, and when he saw his quiet smile, he returned it with a nod of the head; reassured that they now understood each other.

      Taking a piece of paper from his pocket, he handed it to the boy. ‘If ever you need me,’ he told Davie, ‘contact this man. I was in the Army with him. He’ll know how to find me.’

      The boy took the paper and laid it on the ground. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ he whispered, his uplifted gaze like a knife in the man’s heart.

      Without a word, Don flung his arms round his son. Choked with emotion, he embraced him for a long moment, before releasing him. ‘I wish to God it could be different, son. But your mam’s made her choice, and now I’ve made mine.’ He held the boy at arm’s length. ‘I don’t want to leave you behind. Please, Davie, get your things and come with me.’

      The boy shook his head. ‘I can’t.’ Everything was disintegrating, and there was nothing he could do. ‘Don’t go, Dad. Please, please don’t leave us.’

      Don looked at his wife and saw the angry set of her mouth, and he knew his decision was right. ‘I need to go, son,’ he answered СКАЧАТЬ