Dreaming Of... Bali. Fiona McArthur

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СКАЧАТЬ SEVEN

      NATHAN PACED THE STUDY in the home he had avoided thinking of for so many years, fighting the surge of memories that attacked him. The study had been one of his favorite rooms with huge floor-to-ceiling shelves covering two walls completely and French doors on the opposite side that opened onto the veranda.

      Thick Persian rugs that had been his mother’s pride covered the floor. He remembered playing with his toys on those rugs sitting at her feet.

      The smell of old books and ancient leather stole through him swiftly, shaking loose things he had forgotten beneath layers of hurt and fear.

      Emotions he didn’t want to feel surged inside.

      They had laughed here, the three of them. Spent numerous evenings in front of the fire—his father reading to him while his mother had sat in the cozy recliner with her knitting. There had been good years, he suddenly realized, years of laughter and joyful Christmases before ruined football games and hospital visits had become the norm. Before fear had become the norm, before fear had infiltrated every corner and nook.

      Had it begun with his fainting and near dying at the football game? Had it begun when his mother had been gradually getting worse and worse? Or had it begun when his father had started his affair with Jackie?

      Did it matter anymore?

      “Hello, Nate,” his father said softly, and closed the door behind him.

      Even having learned all the details of his father’s illness from Maria, Nathan still wasn’t prepared for the shock his father’s appearance dealt him. As much as he wanted to not give a damn, he found he couldn’t not care, couldn’t not be affected by how frail he looked.

      His blue gaze seemed dulled, haunted by dark circles underneath. His frame, always lean and spare, now looked downright skinny.

      Alarm reverberated through Nate.

      He didn’t want to feel anything for his father. Damn Riya for forcing him to this. The blasted woman was making it hard on herself and him.

      “It’s so good to see you, Nate. Riya’s been telling me all about your ventures and how powerful and successful you are. I’m very proud of you.”

      Nathan could only nod. He couldn’t speak. Was he as big a sap as Riya? Because one kind word from his father and he couldn’t even breathe properly.

      Fury, betrayal and so much more rose inside him. And that kind of emotional upheaval scared him more than the little fracture in his breathing the other night.

      If he let one emotion in, they would all follow. Until all he felt would be fear.

      There were too many things out of his control already. And to be in control, he had to remember things he’d rather forget, remember things that had driven him from his home, things that had driven him to live his life alone. “Let’s not pretend that this is anything but the fear and regret a man faces once he sees death coming for him, Dad.”

      His father flinched, and this time, nothing pierced Nathan. Not even satisfaction that he had landed a shot. Tears flooded those blue eyes that were so like his own. “I’m so sorry, Nathan, that you felt you couldn’t stay here after she was gone.”

      He couldn’t bear this, this avalanche of fear and love, of need and despair that it always brought. “It was so hard to lose her like that, so hard to see my own fate reflected in her death. But to learn that you were with that woman. Can you imagine what that must have done to her?”

      “I made a mistake, Nate, a ghastly one. I couldn’t bear to see her wilt away. I let that fear drive me to Jackie. I was so ashamed of myself. And your mother...I instantly told her. And she forgave me, Nate.”

      Shock waves pounded through Nate. “I don’t believe you.”

      He collapsed onto the settee and buried his head in his hands. There was an ache in his throat and he tried to breathe past it, but his dad’s words already stole through him.

      Because Jacqueline Spear was the one thing his mother hadn’t been in that last year—vivacious, brimming with life, an anchor for a drowning man. He had assumed that his dad had done that to his mom. But what if it was the reverse?

      What if seeing his mom lose all her will for life had driven his father to Jackie? It was still the worst kind of betrayal, but didn’t Nathan know firsthand what fear could do? How it could turn someone inside out?

      His dad reached him. “I don’t blame you for not believing me. All these years, I have regretted so many things and the worst of it was that my cowardice drove you away. How many times I wished I had been stronger for you.”

      “If you were sorry, then why did you bring them here? Jackie and Riya? What was that if not an insult to Mom’s memory?”

      Wiping his face with a shaking hand, his father met his gaze. “What I did was abhorrent. So much that I couldn’t bear to look at Jackie for years after that, much less marry her. She was my biggest mistake given form. But I couldn’t do anything to hurt Riya.

      “I couldn’t turn away from the child who needed a proper parent, and Jackie...she was still reeling from her separation from her husband. It was fear that drove us toward each other, that made us understand each other.

      “Riya made me think of what I should have been to you, gave me a chance to rectify the mistake I made.”

      Nathan nodded, his throat raw and aching, a ray of pure joy relieving the burden in his chest. Something good had come out of all the lies and betrayal.

      Because this man who looked at him now, this man who had cared for someone else’s daughter, he knew. This was the man he remembered as his father before everything had been ruined. “Is that why you gave her the estate?”

      “I had no idea what had become of you. I had no way of reaching you. And when I thought I would die...I thought it a good thing that she have it.

      “Riya loves this house, this estate, just like Anna did. Everything she touches blossoms. Jackie and Riya gave me a reason to live for, after I lost everything. I thought it fitting that it went to her.”

      Nathan shook his head, the most perverse emotion taking hold of him. He should be a bigger man, he knew that. His mother had been generous and kind. She wouldn’t have minded the estate going to Riya, going to someone who loved it just as much as she had. But he couldn’t just walk away, couldn’t sever the last thing that had some emotional meaning to him.

      Couldn’t let himself become a complete island severed from anything meaningful in the world. “She can have as much money as she wants instead. The estate is mine. If she’ll listen to you, ask her to stop playing games with me and sign it over.”

      His father frowned. “What are you talking about?”

      “I asked her to sell it to me, and the condition she put in front of me was that I see you. That I remain here for two months.”

      “Oh.” His father sank to the couch, and Nate reached him instantly.

      “What is it? Are you unwell again?”

      “No. I...” His father sighed, regret in his eyes. “I ended СКАЧАТЬ