Angels in Our Hearts. Rosie Lewis

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СКАЧАТЬ smile at each other. I turn away, feeling like an unwelcome intruder spying on a private moment.

      ‘Perhaps you could tell Paul and Kate a bit more about Sarah,’ Sue prompts, an unusual gentleness in her tone. ‘Give them an idea of her routine and what’s she’s like to care for.’

      ‘She’s lovely, so lovely,’ I say, embarrassed to find my voice cracking.

      Sue’s habitually sour, downturned expression softens. She reaches out and rubs my arm, a brisk but comforting gesture. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude at the unexpected show of sympathy.

      In the days leading up to the handover I find myself talking to Sarah all the time, trying to hold back my nervousness at letting her go, knowing I’ll probably continue to rock for days after she has left my arms.

      The night before she is due to leave I sleep uneasily, tossing and turning. My dreams are confused and when I wake in the morning I feel the same flat sadness of the last few days but decide against trying to shrug it off. It might help me to stay calm, distanced.

      When I pick Sarah up from her crib at 6:30 a.m. she is wide awake and gazing around. She catches my eye and smiles so adoringly that my stomach lurches with a longing to keep her. Warming some milk, I realise it’s the last bottle I’ll ever give her. She seems to sense this, frowning in puzzlement as she sucks. I sing through my lullaby repertoire, to give her nice memories to take to her new home.

      After her bottle Emily and Jamie ask to give her a short cuddle. They both seem reserved this morning and I feel another little stab of guilt, hoping these endings don’t haunt them when they’re older. I remind myself that fostering has helped them to develop a strong sense of empathy and kindness.

      ‘Good luck, Sarah,’ they call out before leaving for school. Tonight I plan to take them for a pizza as a reward for being part of a fostering family. It will be good to be out; the house seems to echo with an unwelcome silence for days after a placement has ended, especially a much-loved one. Anyway, Emily and Jamie deserve the important part they play in children’s lives to be acknowledged.

      Forcing a bright smile as I wave the children off, I lay Sarah in her crib, watching as she slowly turns her head from side to side. Her eyes drift to the twinkling lights twisted around a miniature Christmas tree on the hearth. Transfixed, her tiny lips form the shape of an ‘O’. Minutes later her tiny fingers uncurl and she drops off into a relaxed sleep, reminding me how far she’s come in a short period of time. Six weeks ago she was tucked up tightly in a ball of drug-induced pain.

      While she’s resting I pack her memory box, filling it with items that her adoptive parents will hopefully keep safe for her. I label everything carefully, including a blanket that her birth mother was thoughtful enough to buy before she went into labour and a little pink rabbit with a rattle inside, a present from her grandmother. Little details that may mean so much to her when she’s older. I’ve also written her a life-story book filled with photos of our family, so that she has a record of where she spent her first few weeks of life. Sitting on the floor, I allow myself a few tears as I close the lid, unable to hold back any longer.

      When I open the door to Desmond half an hour later I’m sure he notices my swollen eyes, but he knows better than to mention it. It’s a sight he’s seen on a fair number of occasions and I’m grateful for his sensitivity. I know he will hang around when the adoptive couple have left with their new daughter, to hold my hand and congratulate me on a job well done.

      ‘You’s looking particularly dreadful this morning, Rosie,’ he jokes, aware that any hint at sympathy would set me off. I hoot with laughter, the chuckle catching as a little sob at the back of my throat.

      Some foster carers are able to cope with separation more easily than others. I was hoping that with time I would get better at letting go, but I’m still a work in progress as far as that’s concerned. With babies I find it particularly difficult to keep my distance and not become attached, even though I know my job requires me to maintain a cool professionalism.

      For the next half an hour, while we wait for the new couple to arrive, I busy myself folding Sarah’s freshly washed little clothes and packing them into her new Peter Rabbit suitcase. Desmond chatters away in the background but I hardly notice what he’s saying, I’m so distracted. I try not to look at him, knowing that if I meet his eye my guard will come crashing down.

      With fifteen minutes to pass I sit on the sofa, Sarah in my arms. I take a few deep breaths, trying to dislodge the uncomfortable knotting sensation in my stomach. Wanting some warning before they descend, so that I can gather myself, I fix my eyes on the window, watching the part of the road I can see beyond the front garden.

      Paul and Kate arrive a few minutes earlier than planned, no doubt itching to begin this next exciting phase of their lives. It seems like such a long time since I first met them, even though it was only a week earlier. With older children the handover periods tend to be much longer, but with a baby as young as Sarah it’s over with quickly, with only one or two pre-planned meetings before the big day.

      The atmosphere is a little forced as I fuss around offering them tea and biscuits, my breakfast churning vengefully in my stomach. Kate perches on the edge of the sofa, her mouth working at the edges. Her husband hovers in the doorway, his eyes barely leaving Sarah’s peaceful face as she snoozes in her crib. They’re probably desperate to get away but the formalities have to be attended to, medical information imparted, etc. I try to keep the atmosphere light; this is, after all, one of the happiest days of their lives. I have heard that adopters find the final handover day almost as traumatic as the foster carer, as if they’re stealing someone’s own child.

      With details exchanged and forms signed there is not much else to be said. Unexpectedly, Kate walks over and squeezes my arm. ‘I want you to know we’ve waited a long time for this day. Thank you for taking such good care of her.’

      The well of tears I was fighting to hold down threatens to overflow. Reassured that Sarah is going to someone sensitive and kind, I gulp, nodding in acknowledgement. I don’t really trust myself to speak as I lift the sleepy baby from her crib, tucking her blanket gently around her.

      ‘Well, tha’ seems to be everything covered,’ Desmond says as he walks over to me, tactfully touching my shoulder to remind me that we have a job to do.

      Surrendering someone so vulnerable to an unknown future feels unnatural, wrong even. Every instinct shouts at me to hold on to Sarah but I summon all my mental energy and brush a brief kiss on her warm forehead. ‘Be happy,’ I whisper, ignoring the ache in my chest and planting her firmly in the social worker’s arms.

      As Desmond turns to cross the room I hold onto the thought that whatever life holds in store for Sarah, at least during her first six weeks she was cocooned, suspended for a short while in a net of love and safety. I hope that I’ll see her again one day, even though I know it’s unlikely. Adoptive couples often prefer to draw a line under the past, a sentiment I can sympathise with, however difficult it can be for foster carers to accept.

      ‘Do you think she’ll be alright?’ I ask Desmond as we watch her for-ever parents settle Sarah’s seat into their car then exchange a tender kiss over the open passenger door. I give up trying to hold back the tears.

      ‘She is a much-wanted child.’ Desmond, a rock at times like this, wraps a steady arm around my trembling shoulders and draws me back into the house. ‘They’ll cherish her,’ he assures me, leading me into the kitchen. ‘You’s no’ to worry. Now, put tha’ kettle on. I need to give you the heads up on an urgent case we’ve just had in.’

      And so the wheel turns, I СКАЧАТЬ