Boundaries. Jennie Miller

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СКАЧАТЬ remember that self-boundaries are personal to us – like our own skin – which, in order to be in peak condition, needs care and nourishment. The more confidence you develop in your own decision-making and first-class self-care you give to yourself, the more that your self-boundary (or skin) will glow.

      A good example of someone with healthy self-boundaries is Mary Poppins – she is comfortable being ‘practically perfect in every way’ (said without self-deprecation), administers her own medicine without complaint, is charmed by her chimney sweep Bert but not bowled over and knows when to leave the family to care for itself (because her work is done).

      Think again of that debating table of competing voices all trying to win the holiday argument. A healthy self-boundary will help you manage those voices – while also listening to them, and drawing from any wisdom on offer. Someone used to setting and maintaining good self-boundaries knows they can hear all points of view but they are confident when making the final decision.

       EXERCISE: Getting to Know You

      This exercise is about reflecting on and understanding the different parts of yourself.

      Think back over the past week:

      Can you identify one or more occasions when you have cared for yourself or taken time to have a moment to yourself? Perhaps you enjoyed a bath or took the dog out on your own.

      Can you think of one occasion when you have criticised or felt disappointed in yourself? Something like, ‘I went for a run but I didn’t try hard enough/should have done better.’

      Can you identify an occasion when you have cared for another? You might have offered a cup of tea to a tired co-worker.

      Can you remember an occasion when you criticised someone else (either out loud or to yourself)? Perhaps you moaned about a co-worker for being always tired.

      Have you noticed a thought about something – say, a newspaper article – that on reflection owes more to your parents’ ideas than what you know you feel? Something like: ‘Isn’t the Royal Family marvellous?’

      Have you enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends? Did you laugh at a ridiculous situation?

      Have you felt frightened but known this to be irrational? For example, if waking up from a nightmare and feeling too scared to sleep again.

      Have you sulked or deliberately provoked a fight? Did you take out a bad mood on a partner?

      Have you been consciously pleasing to another? You might have offered compliments to cheer someone up.

      Looking back at the week – how was your time divided up? Do you spend more hours overall being critical either of yourself or others, or do you spend quite a lot of time caring for yourself or others? How often do you aim to please others, and how frequently do you enjoy moments of spontaneous fun?

      Now, think about which of these experiences or feelings correlate most closely to the Parental or Child-like voices at your debating table. Be aware that this is a matter of personal degree.

      Remember that no single viewpoint is superior in some way. Simply, you are making observations not judgements to help you analyse your own behaviour, thoughts and feelings. You have taken the first steps into a deepening of the understanding you have of yourself. Use your Learning Journal to make notes.

      In the next part of this Step, we are going to introduce you to some key areas where you can begin to introduce new boundaries into your day-to-day life. These will have practical benefits for your relationships, happiness and health, as well as teaching you the basics of boundary-making.

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