Dating By Numbers. Jennifer Lohmann

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СКАЧАТЬ Beck held up her find and Marsie laughed. The shirt was a pretty metallic blue jacquard, but it couldn’t decide how it wanted to be a mix of both edgy and romantic.

      “It should either be off the shoulder or have ruffles or have a high neck or an eye-catching collar. It can’t have all the above. Too bad, because it’s a pretty fabric.”

      “It’s silk,” Beck said, putting the top back on the rack.

      “So it’s probably more than I want to spend.”

      Her friend checked the tags. “Three hundred and fifty dollars.”

      “If I make it to the sex date with a man, I’ll consider spending that much on a top, but not when I’ve not even kissed a guy. And not on that top,” she said with a vigorous shake of her head.

      “Wait? Which one’s the sex date?” Beck was still holding the top. She looked at it, shook her head and hung the blouse back on the rack. “Never mind. You have too many rules. I want to finish talking about opposites attract.”

      “What’s there to talk about? Dating someone different from you seems very exciting. Then the sex wears off, and you’re left staring at someone you have nothing in common with while picking at your dinner. Which they made, so it’s nothing you like.”

      “Your parents must really hate each other. Everything you’ve ever said about them makes me think that’s them talking.”

      “Hate is a strong word.” And, if she were being honest with herself, was probably the right word for how her father felt about her mother. Her mom had always seemed a little sad about the whole thing, like she’d been reaching for an amazing dream, failed, and hadn’t yet managed to fully wake up. Even after more than thirty years.

      Beck looked closely at Marsie, seeming to examine every line of her face. Then she went back to flipping through the tops like this was a casual conversation.

      They both realized that this had stopped being a casual conversation a while ago. Beck had significant advice she wanted to give; she just needed to figure out how to say it. Finally, she stopped moving shirts around on the rack and put her hands on the metal rung. “It’s not that you’re not looking for someone who is the opposite of you, but that you’re looking for you. For someone with your education and your kind of job, who reads your kind of books and likes your kind of movies. Who’s your kind of introverted and wants to eat your kind of food. Like you’re a sock that got separated from its mate in the dryer.”

      Beck suddenly looked sad, like she had a vision of Marsie’s future and it snapped her heart in two. “You’ll never grow. In fact, I think you’ll contract that way. You’ll shrink until you disappear. You need someone to challenge you.”

      Her friend’s words hit a little too close to something that sounded true, and the smack stung. “My date wasn’t ever going to be a challenge.”

      Jason would, but she was pretty sure he didn’t like the same kind of movies she did. And she wasn’t sure what she thought about his job. He was smart. Why was he doing maintenance in an office building?

      You could ask him. Asking him would be inviting intimacy, which she wasn’t sure she wanted. Then she’d have to share parts of herself with him, and his smile might be more teasing than she was comfortable with.

      Work was challenging enough.

      “I’m not talking about your horrible date,” Beck snapped and Marsie stepped back, blinking in surprise.

      “Sorry. That came out more harshly than I meant. That guy sounded like an ass. And there are asses out there. If anything, it should prove to you that a man who scores well on your algorithm has as much of a chance of being an ass as a man who only gets two points for being gorgeous. Date people who don’t pass your algorithm. Grow a little. Be willing to change your mind.”

      Beck’s sadness wasn’t only about Marsie, she realized with a flash of insight. “How is marital counseling going?”

      “Neil said he’s stopped growing in our marriage. I told him he would grow if he could ever change his mind about things. Like having a kid. The counselor told me that wasn’t a fair thing to say. That I wasn’t listening to what Neil was saying. That was where our last appointment stopped.”

      “So you’re talking things out,” Marsie said, trying to sound hopeful.

      Beck shrugged. They both stopped even pretending to look through clothes. Her friend’s marriage was more important than any number of cute tops.

      “Is the counseling helpful?” Marsie asked.

      “I don’t know. I can’t tell if knowing these feelings is good, or if I’d rather we pretended things are fine. Like I guess we were doing before.”

      “Oh, Beck.” Marsie’s heart broke at that statement. “I’m sure it hurts. And is hard and scary. But you don’t want to be in a fake marriage. That sounds miserable.”

      “I was happy. We were perfect for each other. God, when we met, we were even using the same shampoo and conditioner. I thought it was a sign.”

      “You want a kid.”

      “I could go back to saying that I don’t want a kid. We could pretend.” Beck’s voice was so flat that it was scary, like she didn’t have any emotions left.

      Or maybe she didn’t want to feel them and so had shoved them deep enough that they gave her ulcers, but didn’t make her cry.

      “What happens when you’re sixty-five, no children. You might regret not having children, but I think you’ll regret not going through the hard stuff to even try more.” As Marsie said the words, she realized they were directed at herself, as much as at her friend. The kid stuff, yes, but also that she could reach sixty-five and still be single and what would really piss her off was that she hadn’t truly tried. That she’d let her fear and a couple horrible dates trap her in that status quo.

      No matter how pleasant the status quo was, if she didn’t want to be there, it was a prison. And her own fears could be as much of a jailer as any guy in jackboots holding a gun.

      “I guess. Trying is so hard right now. We’re miserable. I’d rather be anywhere but my house.”

      “I’m sorry, honey.” Marsie reached over and pulled her friend into a tight hug. “It’ll be okay. Maybe not in the way you want, but it will be okay.”

      When they pulled apart, Beck was blinking away tears. “Thanks. I have to believe that, or I’ll give up.”

      “Yup.” Wasn’t that the truth of life. No matter what life looks like, you have to believe.

      “Let’s go buy your top and look at more. There are always more fish in the sea.” Beck rubbed Marsie’s shoulder and they turned to the cashier, ready to continue their hard day of shopping.

      Maybe, Marsie thought, if she looked like fun, dating would be fun and she’d be able to laugh about it with Jason, like he laughed about it with her.

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