Archer’s Goon. Diana Wynne Jones

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СКАЧАТЬ you’re talking about. I’ve never heard of this Archer. The man I deal with is Mountjoy.”

      “Don’t know Mountjoy,” said the Goon. “Must go to Archer in the end. Archer didn’t get it.”

      “But I tell you I sent it,” Quentin insisted. “I sent it last week. I know it was late, but Mountjoy never bothers, as long as it’s the full two thousand words.” He turned to Fifi. “You know I sent it, don’t you? It was that long envelope I gave you last week to drop in at the Town Hall.”

      It seemed to Howard that Fifi gave the faintest gasp at this, but she said promptly, “Oh, was that what it was? Yes, you did.”

      “Well, then?” Quentin said to the Goon.

      The Goon folded his long arms and loomed a little. “Archer didn’t get it,” he repeated.

      “Then go and ask Mountjoy about it,” said Quentin.

      “You ask him,” said the Goon. His round eyes slid sideways to the telephone on the desk.

      “All right,” said Quentin. “I will.” He went to the telephone and dialled. Howard, watching and listening and by now quite mystified, knew that his father really did dial the Town Hall. He heard the switchboard girl answer, “City Council. Which office, please?” And Quentin said, “Mr Mountjoy. Extension six-oh-nine.” After a pause he could hear a man’s voice, a rich, rumbling voice, answering. Quentin, looking unlovingly at the Goon, said, “Quentin Sykes here, Mountjoy. It’s about my two thousand words. Someone seems to have sent me a hired assassin—”

      “Not killed anyone yet!” the Goon protested.

      “You shut up,” said Quentin. “He says the words are overdue. Now I know I sent them to you, just as usual, nearly a week ago—”

      The rich voice rumbled on the telephone. And rumbled more. Quentin’s face clouded and then began to look exasperated. He cut through the rumbling to say, “And who is Archer?” The voice rumbled some more. “Thank you,” said Quentin. He put the phone down and turned to the Goon, sighing.

      The Goon’s grin grew wide again. “Didn’t get them, did he?”

      “No,” Quentin admitted. “They do seem to have gone astray. But he’ll give me another week to—” He stopped because the Goon’s little head was shaking slowly from side to side. “Now look here!”

      “Archer won’t wait,” said the Goon. “Want to go without electricity? Or gas? Archer farms power.”

      “I know,” Quentin said angrily. “Mountjoy just told me.”

      “Do the words again,” said the Goon.

      “Oh, all right,” Quentin said. “Come on, all of you. Let’s get back home and get it over with.”

      They marched silently back with the Goon looming over them. Howard was aching to ask his father what on earth was going on, but he did not get a chance. As soon as they reached the house, the Goon took up his former place, filling half the kitchen, and Quentin hurried to his study. The sound of typing came from there, in little rattling bursts, with long pauses in between. Awful went to the front room where she turned on the television and sat brooding on bad things to do to the Goon. At least, Howard thought thankfully, Mum had not come in yet. He hoped very much that Dad could finish his typing and get rid of the Goon before she did.

      In the kitchen Fifi was climbing back and forth across the Goon’s legs again. “Help me get supper started at least, Howard, there’s a love,” she said. “Your mum’s going to be so depressed when she comes in and finds all this going on!”

      Catriona Sykes came in five minutes after that. She came in with her eyes shut, tottering, meaning it had been a bad day. Her job was organising music in schools, and she got headaches from it. She put a stack of music, the evening paper, a tape deck, a bundle of recorders and a set of cymbals down on the table, and fell into a chair by feel, with her hands to her head.

      Howard watched the relief fading off her face as she listened to the sounds in the house and began to realise something was wrong. He saw her locate Awful by the sound of the television, and Quentin by the clattering of the typewriter, then Fifi by the hurried pouring of hot water into the coffee mug Fifi had ready. Howard saw Catriona follow the haste with which Fifi handed the mug to him and locate Howard by his footsteps hurriedly stepping over the Goon’s legs to give her the coffee. A frown grew on her face. As she took the mug, her head tilted to catch the scraping from the Goon’s knife as he sat cleaning his nails. She took a deep drink of the coffee, pushed her hair back and opened her eyes to look at the Goon.

      “Who are you?” she said.

      He grinned his daft grin at her. “Goon,” he said.

      “I mean,” said Catriona, “what is your name?”

      Howard’s mother had a very strong personality. But so had the Goon in his way. The room seemed thick with them. Howard and Fifi both held their breath. “Goon will do,” said the Goon, and went on grinning.

      Catriona gave him a long, level look. Then, to Howard’s surprise, she smiled quite pleasantly. “You look strong,” she said. “There’s a set of drums in my car. Help Howard get them in before they get damp or stolen.”

      And to Howard’s further surprise, the Goon got to his feet and loomed through the room. “Where to?” he asked Howard.

      The Goon was so strong that all Howard needed to do was show him the car and unlock the back. The Goon carried the drum set, bumping and booming, and set it down with a further boom in the hall. Then he went back to his chair in the kitchen. There Howard could see his mother had been asking Fifi what was going on. Fifi was looking upset. Catriona was taking it all much more calmly than Howard would have expected. She was just looking gloomily mystified.

      “I don’t mind as long as he’s quiet,” she said to Howard. “I’ve been listening to school orchestras all day – have you done your violin practice? – and my head’s splitting.” And before Howard needed to lie about the violin, she looked at the Goon and said, “Who is Archer?”

      The Goon looked back. He had a short think. “Farms power,” he said. “Gas and electricity. Money, too. Won’t worry you. You come under Torquil.”

      “You mean he’s a town councillor?” Catriona asked.

      That amused the Goon highly. He threw back his little head and laughed and clapped his long thigh with his vast hand. “That’s good!” he said. “Look like the Council, do I?”

      “No, I can’t say that you do,” said Catriona. She seemed utterly unable to find the Goon alarming. “He seems harmless enough,” she said to Howard as she got up to help Fifi cook. “Move your feet,” she said to the Goon. And the Goon did. He bent his legs up until his knees were near his ears and sat looking like a huge, ungainly grasshopper while Catriona got supper ready. Howard began to see that his mother had found the right way to manage the Goon. He tried it himself when he was setting the table. He told the Goon to get out of the way of the spoon drawer, and the Goon did and grinned at him. “Set for six, Howard,” Catriona said. “I expect the Goon would like some liver and bacon, too.”

      “Would!” the Goon said. He inhaled fried onions and grinned deeply.

      Howard СКАЧАТЬ