How to Say Goodbye. Katy Colins

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СКАЧАТЬ emergency,’ I lied. I couldn’t bear to go into the church hall disaster.

      Freddie made a strange noise between his pursed lips, flecks of spittle jumping from his mouth onto the glossy tabletop. ‘What? Too many stiffs to deal with?’

      Brendan smiled as if he understood the joke. Then realised he didn’t. ‘Stiffs?’

      ‘Yeah, did Mum not tell you?’ Freddie said.

      I noticed Mum’s painted red lips tighten. She picked up a tired-looking cocktail list, zoning out from this conversation.

      ‘Our Grace here is the local Morticia Addams.’

      Brendan looked at me and back to Freddie.

      ‘She’s a funeral director,’ Freddie explained.

      ‘Arranger. A funeral arranger,’ I corrected. Frank wouldn’t be happy with me stealing his job title. Not that detail mattered to someone like Freddie. He thought feminists were hairy, angry lesbians, and still called women ‘birds’. I’d once overheard him explain, in depth, that it was scientifically proven you couldn’t get wasted two nights in a row, something to do with the first night cancelling out the second.

      ‘Really?! You work with dead people!’ Brendan literally recoiled, a little precariously on his stool.

      ‘I’m going to get a mojito. Anyone else want one?’ Mum said loudly, pretending to be oblivious to the topic of conversation. ‘Or maybe a pornstar martini?’

      ‘It’s sick, innit. I see dead people…’ Freddie said in a little boy’s voice, ignoring her.

      Brendan leant forward, placing an elbow in a small puddle of lager. His eyes widened. ‘Wow, Grace, you work with corpses, what’s that like?’

      Inwardly I sighed.

      ‘It’s just my job and I love what I do.’

      ‘Yeah, but it’s like… you know… death.’

      ‘And?’

      ‘I’m not in denial, don’t get me wrong. I’ve even planned my funeral.’ Brendan sat up straighter. ‘I know exactly what I want.’ Mum looked up from the cocktail list. ‘I want “I Am A Cider Drinker” playing as they carry me in for a start –’

      ‘You’re joking? You want The Wurzels played at your funeral?’ She blurted out an incredulous laugh.

      ‘Why not?’ Brendan winked to hide any embarrassment. ‘They’re only like the greatest band in the world, ever!’ I could see his shine fading as Mum frowned at him. ‘Just a little underrated, that’s all.’

      ‘But at your funeral? I really don’t think it’s appropriate. Plus, the greatest band in the world are Queen. That’s who Freddie’s named after.’ She squashed my brother’s cheeks in her hands.

      ‘Alright, Mum.’ He swatted her away.

      ‘No. We won’t be having some country hicks play at your funeral,’ Mum decided for him. ‘Anyway, you won’t even be there so you can’t complain. Right, can we please change the subject? We’re meant to be here celebrating Grace and her birthday. You know, Grace, who is still alive!’

      ‘I’m going for a piss.’ Freddie sprang to his feet, making a comment about how my birthday was actually ages ago and that this was a load of bollocks.

      ‘So Grace, is your boyfriend joining us later?’ Brendan asked. I squirted a dollop of antibacterial hand gel in my palms and rubbed them together, hoping to avoid the question.

      ‘She’s single and ready to mingle!’ Mum sang.

      ‘Well…’ I have never been ready to mingle in my life. Just the very word made me want to uncomfortably scratch my arms and hide under my duvet.

      ‘Ah, I get it. I guess it must be tough finding someone because of what you… do.’

      ‘I don’t know why you didn’t see more of that Ian. Cheryl said he’s a lovely bloke, when I bumped into her last,’ Mum piped up, sloshing red wine from the bottle into her empty, lipstick-stained glass. How much had she got through this evening? Cheryl was my mum’s chiropodist and Ian was another of her clients.

      ‘Cheryl isn’t the best judge of character,’ I said tactfully, desperate to move the conversation on.

      I’d never told my mum about Henry. We had promised each other not to tell anyone about us – it was part of the deal. A deal that felt like it suffocated me at times. But it was a promise I had stuck to, despite everything that had happened. The only living soul who knew was Maria, but, well, that was different.

      ‘You need to get yourself on Tinder,’ Freddie had returned from the bathroom, waving his lit-up phone screen in my face, the brightness blinding me for a second.

      ‘Ah, Tinder,’ Brendan said wistfully, before sticking his reddened face into his wine glass as Mum glared at him.

      ‘Right! Present time!’ Mum shrieked. ‘Freddie, put your phone away now. This is family time.’

      Freddie muttered but obeyed, and slid his phone into the pocket of his tight chinos.

      ‘Grace, Brendan and I got you this.’ She rummaged in the tie-dye pillowcase thing that acted as a handbag. I’d have palpitations thinking about her gallivanting off to the next country on her travels with such a badly designed bag; a pick-pocketer’s dream. She pulled out a slightly crumpled gift bag that had a boiled sweet wrapper stuck to the back and an almost perfectly spherical tea-stain ring in the top right-hand corner.

      ‘Whoops,’ she picked off the wrapper and dropped it to the floor. ‘Right, well, happy birthday my little Gracie.’

      ‘You really didn’t have to…’ I started to protest as I cautiously took the packet off her and peeled it open. Last year she’d got me a clunky handmade Tunisian shell necklace. It was still in its bubble wrap, sitting patiently in the half-empty Tesco Bag for Life that was destined for my next trip to Oxfam.

      ‘Oh…’

      I wrapped my fingers around a red and yellow hand-woven cotton bracelet. The type of thing you’d give your school friend when you were about thirteen. A tiny peace sign was threaded in the centre, next to a small metal disc that was engraved with my name.

      ‘It’s personalised! Do you love it? Put it on!’

      I smiled tightly and let her tie it around my wrist. I could cover it up with my watch without hurting her feelings.

      ‘There’s something else in there too!’

      The other gift was a yellow plastic radio in the shape of a bumblebee. Two slim silver antennas had been coated in black paint, it’s bulbous behind was covered in wire mesh for the speakers, and two thick black stripes over a sunflower-yellow body were the dials. There was no kind way to put it…

      It was hideous.

      ‘It’s a radio! Isn’t it funky!’ Mum beamed, СКАЧАТЬ