Only Fools and Horses. Richard Webber

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       Rodney thinks Del is cheating him … the trouble is, he can’t prove it.

      RODNEY: It’s obvious you’re stitching me up. Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day. Me – I’ve got one suit from the Almost New Shop. It gets embarrassing sometimes.

      DEL: Oh, I embarrass you do I? You’ve got room to talk. You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born. You couldn’t be like any other little brother could you, and come along a couple of years after me. Oh no, you had to wait 13 years. So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting! I could never get your oystermilk stains out of me Ben Shermans – I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies.

      Memories …

      ‘Nick and Lennard were great to work with. Although he was very young, Nick had spent his entire life, more or less, in the business because he’d been a child actor. Lennard Pearce, meanwhile, had been a stage actor for all his life. So we were dealing with actors who I had a healthy respect for because they had served their apprenticeship.

      ‘Both of them were tremendously easy to get on with, but I think a lot of that was because we’d all worked a lot of time in the theatre, travelling the country, working every night with a live audience, learning our trade. That is hugely beneficial when you work in television. So with John Sullivan’s scripts, and the experience of the cast, I knew we had the essential ingredients.’

      DAVID JASON

‘GO WEST YOUNG MAN’

       Del and Rodney try chatting up girls at a nightclub. The trouble is, Del reverts to a pack of lies, suggesting his younger brother is an international tennis player, in order to impress but, as usual, just makes a fool of himself.

      DEL: Yeah, he’s an international professional tennis player and I’m his manager. You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney. The sporting press call him Hot Rod!

      NICKY: Don’t think I have. What’s the surname?

      ‘WHAT A PLONKER!’ (DEL)

      RODNEY: Trotter!

      NICKY: Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.

      DEL: No, no that’s because we generally concentrate on the big American tournaments, you see.

      MICHELE: Do you ever play Wimbledon?

      DEL: No, no, we only play the big ’uns! We’ve just come back from the Miami Open …

      NICKY: Really? You’re not very tanned for Miami, are you?

      RODNEY: No, no, it was an indoor tournament.

      Did you know?

      Offers to turn Only Fools into a film and stage production have been made over the years.

      DEL: Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing that, innit. I mean they call it the Miami Open and then they go an’ hold it indoors. That’s the Yanks for yer though eh? Anyway, we can’t complain like because he won it, he did, he er, beat that Jimmy Connolly in the final.

      MICHELE: Jimmy Connelly? Don’t you mean Jimmy Connors?

      DEL: No, he knocked that didlio out in the first round, nine sets to one! Actually we’re only in London to get Hot Rod here measured up for a new bat.

      ‘TRES BIEN ENSEMBLE.’ (DEL)

      MICHELE: It’s a racquet!

      DEL: It is, the price they charge, darling.

      Memories …

      ‘When I began writing Only Fools I never had a system of working. I’ve had mobiles by the side of my bed, Dictaphones, but when the ideas happen, they just happen.

      ‘Initially, I wrote Fools straight on to an old-fashioned typewriter. Then, slowly, I turned to computers. But during the days of the typewriter, I’d sometimes work through the night re-typing.

      ‘I change my scripts and mess about with them so much before putting “first draft” on it. By then, I’ve actually changed it six or seven times. In these early stages, it’s like weaning a baby, but eventually I can get quite nasty with my script.

      ‘Once we’re in the editing suite, I don’t care about favourite lines. When I started, Dennis Main Wilson gave me the best advice: “Never fall in love with your lines.” He was right because that can cause you such pain.’

      JOHN SULLIVAN

‘THE SECOND TIME AROUND’

       Street traders Del and Rodney are using their sales patter, trying desperately to shift packs of hankies from a suitcase, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers.

      DEL: Here we are, the finest French lace hankies – there you are, they’re a pleasure to have the flu with! Thanks, luv.

      RODNEY: Now, hurry up girls, get in while the going’s good. It’s one for the price of two. One for the price of two.

      DEL: Keep taking the money, Rodney, I’m gonna pop down the pub to get a lemonade for the old Hobsons.

      RODNEY: Get us a packet of pork scratchings would you?

      DEL: Pork scratchings. Sounds like a pig with fleas.

      RODNEY: Come on then, get in while the going’s good. We’re not here today gone tomorrow, we’re here today gone this afternoon, now come on.

       Rodney and Grandad aren’t happy when Del starts dating his scheming, money-grabbing ex-fiancée again, especially when they get engaged once more and she moves in.

      DEL: (Looking at Grandad) What’s up with you then, eh?

      GRANDAD: It’s her innit!

      DEL: What?

      GRANDAD: She’s hid my teeth!

      DEL: What? What you hidden his teeth for then, petal?

      PAULINE: Look you don’t know what it’s like in this place. You and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market. But I’m stuck here with him. He’s nibbling all day long. There’d be nothing left if I let him carry on! Don’t worry, he gets his teeth back at meal times.

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